“I wish I could be like you.” The words tumbled out of her mouth barely above a whisper. “Wish I could have a different man in my bed every night without facing any emotional consequences.”
What the fuck? There’d be no other man in her bed besides me. I was about to tell her as much when she pulled out of my grasp and padded to the wall of windows in the living room.
Gaze fixed on the city below, she wrapped her arms around her middle. “You’d asked about my walls earlier. About why they were always up.” A sad smile touched her lips. “They were there because I need them to be. Especially with you.”
“Me? Why?” I croaked.
I wanted to touch her as desperately as I craved to take my next breath. My hand was already halfway in the air. But something warned me that she needed space from me right now.
Asmuch as I hated the thought, I’d respect it all the same. That was why I curled my fingers into a fist and shoved them into my pocket instead.
Still hugging, or shielding, herself, she finally faced me. “Do you know how many times I’ve been in this apartment, in this room, while you had some woman waiting for you in your bed?” Her tongue flicked over her bottom lip. “Too many times to count.”
Funny, usually when someone threw my lifestyle in my face, I didn’t care. Not now. Shame coated my skin. I was embarrassed and angry at myself for being so fucking careless.
“I’m not judging,” she added. “You’re a grown man. You can do whatever you want. I’m trying to explain.” A heavy sigh blew over her lips. “Not well, apparently.”
Another harsh breath left her lungs as she tried to push her unruly curls out of her face. They bounced back instantly.
“I’ve only been with one man.” Her cheeks turned red, and she stepped away from the window. Away from me. Inside my pocket, I balled my fist tighter. “I dated Bryce for over a month before I let him kiss me. Even longer before I slept with him.”
“Why the fuck are you talking about that dickhead right now?” The angry words were out before I could stop them. Not that I wanted to fucking stop them. I didn’t want to know about that asshole touching her, kissing her, or being inside her.
Not fazed by my outburst, she shrugged. “Don’t you get it? I’m trying to tell you, anything physical comes from some emotional place inside me. The first guy to kiss me, to touch me”—she’d said the last part a lot softer—“since Bryce, was you. I don’t jump from bed to bed whenever the mood strikes.”
And I had.
I’d fucked for the sake of fucking. Because losing myself in a warm, willing body was better than jerking off alone in the shower. Difficult to admit but that was the reason why I’d done it.
I wasn’t lonely. I didn’t go out to fill some void. I just liked to fuck. And for the first time in my life, I despised myself for it. I was ashamed over the careless way I’d treated sex. It would’ve been so easy to blame the example I’d seen growing up. Heaven knew, that’s probably where most, if not all, of my detachment stemmed from. But doing that would’ve been such a cop-out.
That was why I didn’t answer. Replaying her words in my head, I decided to latch on to the one thing she hadn’t said out loud.
Kate felt something for me.
“So, the reason you bolted out of here that first time I kissed you…and the sudden shutdown this morning…”
She acknowledged my unasked question with a nod. “I can’t be another body to warm your bed.”
“But you’re not.” Rushing forward, I took her hand and pressed it against my heart. “You make me feel, Kate.”
She hit me with that damn sad smile again. “You think so, but you’re just caught up in the chase.”
“Give me the credit of knowing my own feelings.”
Her gaze roamed my face. “I’m only interesting because I’m probably the only woman to ever say no to you. As soon as I give in, as soon as you’ve had me,all of me, you’ll move on.” Her eyes glistened. “And I’ll still be stuck right here.” Pulling her hand out from under mine, she stepped back. “I’m scared, Tristan. My heart isn’t safe with you.” Her gaze locked on to something over my shoulder. It stayed there as her next words tumbled over her lips. “Maybe it’s selfish or completely illogical, but I don’t want to hurt again. With Bryce...” With a shake of her head, those eyes were finally on me. “It wasn’t as intense as...” Her jaw clenched, and her throat bobbed with a hard swallow. “I can’t afford to be a broken mess. Not when I have a little girl to take care of.”
I hated that fucking asshole and her sister for causing her so much hurt that even years later Kate still had a hard time trusting people. I hated myself too. For not being a better person. For not being the kind of man she deserved.
“I know I haven’t given you any reason to trust me. Thing is, when it comes to feelings and expressing them, hell, even actually feeling them, I’ve never had the best example.” Raking a hand through my hair, I ignored the uneasiness sliding down my spine. I never talked about my parents.
“My mother and father didn’t marry for love. They simply realized they could be more powerful together and made it official. There were no big gestures or confessions of undying love between them. Hell, even though they’d never publicly admit it, they have an open marriage. I grew up seeing them with someone different every other week. It was normal. They even treated me with the same lack of emotion.”
A bitter chuckle blew over my lips. “My family is the exact opposite of yours. My mother would rather have her perfectly manicured fingernails plucked out one by one than show the kind of affection your mother does. And my father?” I shook my head. “He isn’t much better. They only had a kid so there was someone to keep the family name and firm going.”
“That’s…” Kate’s delicate fingers covered her mouth.
“Horrible?” I provided. “It’s all I knew. Listen, I’m not telling you this for pity, and I’m certainly not making excuses. I’m responsible for my own actions. I just...” Swiping a hand through my hair, I let out a sigh. “I need you to understand my frame of mind before this.” I waved a finger between us. “Before I opened my eyes and sawyou.”
