29
Idon't know how long I sat in the cafeteria. Long enough for the sun to set, coloring the sky pink and orange before setting into a blue twilight outside the hospital windows.
I wasn't thinking about Nathan and his mom. I was thinking about my parents.
My mom had been a paralegal. Not a full lawyer, but it still involved long hours and late nights. She'd always dreamed of going into law. And she'd had to quit because of me. I had too many appointments, too many surgeries, for her to keep working.
My dad always worked extra hard at his job as a high-powered business consultant to make up for losing a second income. He had to make sure we could pay for all my treatments. We had good medical insurance through his work, but it didn't pay for everything. He was always working overtime.
"Becca!"
I heard Nathan approach me on swift feet.
"There you are," he said. "I was looking everywhere."
He took a seat across from me. I continued staring at the table, not looking at him.
My mom had given up all her social events by the time I was a tween. No more book clubs, no more painting classes. I wasn't gaining enough weight so I needed that gastrostomy tube. She needed to make sure I was getting my feedings. I would cry, sometimes, out of worry and fear, when she hooked me up. She couldn't stand to be away from me, couldn't stand not being able to comfort me, for even one evening.
My dad spent every free minute when he wasn't at his job researching my condition. He had no other hobbies. He was always on the internet or reading textbooks and medical journals, taking reams of notes. He wanted to make sure he understood my illness as well as my doctors. He needed to make sure I was getting the best care. I couldn't recall ever seeing him read anything for fun, not even once.
"Why did you run off?" Nathan asked. "My mom would have loved to talk to you, knowing that we're dating now. She said as much."
"I had to get back to work."
Really, my shift had almost been over. Helen was the last patient I'd been scheduled to visit. But I couldn't have stayed in that room with Nathan and his mom, not knowing everything I did.
Helen Walker, the woman who told me how much her son had lost, how much he'd had to give up, because of her.
Nathan Walker, the man who told me how he'd taken care of his mom his whole life, how he'd finally hit it big and was now finally free to live his life the way he wanted.
"My mom was pretty surprised to find out the Becca who's been visiting her all this time was the same girl I'd been dating," he said. "She told me you're such a nice girl, that you always seemed sort of lonely, and that you deserved something special in your life." He let out a chuckle. "I think she was more happy for you than she was for me."
I nodded vaguely.
My mom and dad didn't have date nights. They never went out together by themselves. They didn't trust a babysitter to know how to take care of me. They didn't trust a stranger to know what to do if something went wrong.
They had to live with the knowledge that I'd need care for the rest of my life. They lived with the knowledge that at any moment, something might go wrong.
I'd seen Nathan's face during my panic attack after zorbing. He'd been so worried, so upset. He'd been so concerned, trying his best to take care of me.
I'd seen his face when we tried indoor skydiving. He'd torn up the tickets, refusing to do something he'd been looking forward to, all because he was worried about my health.
If he stayed with me, that was going to be his life. Always worrying. Always sacrificing.
Those were the burdens I'd placed on my parents.
And I'd be damned if I was going to place them on Nathan.
I took a deep breath.
"I think we should stop seeing each other."
Nathan's entire face went blank. "What?"
"I think we should stop seeing each other," I repeated verbatim, unable to force any other words out of my mouth.
His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again.
