I took a look at the list of patients Nancy was supposed to be taking care of. Helen was on the list. I smiled to myself. I always liked talking with her and wondered how she was doing.
Helen was reading a magazine when I knocked on her door. She looked up and smiled at me, waving me in.
"Becca! It's so good to see you. Time for my weekly visit?" she guessed. "Where's Nancy?"
"She wasn't able to make it in today," I said. "Sorry, you're stuck with me."
"That's perfectly all right, dear. To be honest," she said with a fake whisper and a grin, "I find Nancy to be a bit too TMI for my tastes. I probably know more about her love life than her own boyfriend."
I suppressed a grin. That did sound like Nancy.
"But you're usually such a quiet little thing," Helen said. "I'd love to hear more about what's going on outside these walls. Tell me everything."
I pulled up a chair and sat at Helen's bedside, telling her all about the party for the kids. She laughed when I made a face at Tracey's glitter ball idea.
"That stuff gets everywhere," she warned.
"That's what I told her!"
We shared a laugh.
"And what about you?" I asked Helen. "How are you doing?"
She waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, you know doctors. There's always another test to be run, another blood sample to take. I think the nurses must secretly be vampires, for all the blood they've drawn."
I noticed she specifically didn't mention her prognosis. Either way, if she didn't want to talk about her medical problems, I completely understood.
"Has your son been in to visit?" I asked.
"Oh yes," she said. "He visits me as often as he can. Well, of course he would. He always took great care of me. It was just the two of us when he was growing up, you know."
"He sounds like a good son," I said.
"I couldn't have asked for better. Although," she chuckled, "sometimes it felt like he was the parent and I was the child."
It was similar to what Nathan had told me about him and his mother. It must have been a common thing when it came to kids with ill parents.
"He was always looking out for me," she continued, a fond look on her face. "Making sure I got to my appointments on time, making sure I took the right medicine, making sure I ate a properly healthy diet." She shook her head. "It grated on me sometimes, you know, that he always felt like he knew what was best for me. But I know it came from a place of love."
I squirmed uncomfortable in my chair.
Helen's words hit too close to home. I was feeling smothered and infantilized, both by my mom and by Nathan. Telling me what to do, trying to run my life, making decisions for me.
But deep down, I knew they were only doing it because they cared about me. Maybe that was what made it worse. As much as I wanted to be, I couldn't really stay angry with them.
Mostly, I was mad at myself. Mad at my disease. I wasn't like everyone else. I wasn't able to do the things normal, healthy people could do. I had to worry about things most other people didn't.
It made me angry. It made me bitter.
And I ended up taking it out on the people I cared about.
"What's wrong, dear?" Helen asked. "You look like you ate a lemon."
I shook my head. "It's nothing. Just… something you said really made me re-think a few things."
"Oh no, did I make you have an existential crisis?" Her lips twitched, as if suppressing a smile.
I smiled back. "Yes, but in a good way."
