“Add verbally and emotionally to that list as well.”
“None of those things makes me a monster. It wasn’t my fault.”
“It wasn’t. Do you believe that yet?”
“Some days.”
“And the days you don’t are the times you fear you’re gay, which would somehow make you a monster?” Dr. Zander asked. “Or why you won’t eat? Or exercise until you pass out?”
Dane shrugged.
“Your friend Ru is gay. Is he a monster? A pervert? Someone evil? Does he kill puppies or torture children?”
“No! Of course not! Ru is great. He would never hurt anyone. He takes care of people. He has a good heart. Tommy says he’s madly in love with Adam. I haven’t met Adam yet, but everyone tells me he’s great. And I know Ru smiles like a loon when they’re together. I have pictures.” Tommy sent him lots of pictures. “I should have been there for Ru, but I was jealous. And afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“That something I did turned him gay,” Dane admitted. “That he is what he is because I liked him as more than a bandmate or a friend.”
“You can’tturnsomeone gay. They are, or they are not, from birth.”
“Even after all the stuff that was done to me?”
The doctor nodded. “Those things were not your fault. I believe that’s why you hesitate to let people into your life. But if you are gay, bi, straight, or a mix of something not yet discovered, you were born that way.”
Dane sighed. Was it okay? Why did he still have a queasiness in his stomach when he thought about it? He didn’t like to be touched, but he could admire beautiful people with the rest of the world. That didn’t mean he was some kind of whore. No, those days were over. That life ended when he snuck out of his mom’s house to audition for Vocal Growth. He never thought he’d get in, but at twelve he’d seen a rainbow leading to paradise. And ithadbeen paradise for a while. Now that was all over.
“And this boy, Sebastian? Do you think he’s a monster or a pervert or any of the things your father called you? Because he wears makeup or wears clothes you don’t think men normally wear?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t know him that well. But I know he tries to help people. Tommy says he works at a crisis line, talking people out of suicide and that sort of thing. And helps at a homeless shelter. You have to be a good person to do that, right? You see preachers and stuff on TV all the time who aren’t doing stuff that good. All that has to be worth something.”
“Tell me, Dane. How does wanting to find love—whether that’s with a man or a woman—make anyone a bad person? You list these good deeds that your friends do. Wouldn’t the opposite be true? Bad deeds make for a bad person, not their sexual preference?”
“I dunno. Maybe.” Dane would have to think about it more. “Isn’t there stuff in the Bible that says it’s bad?”
“The Bible says that a lot of things are bad from shaving your face to eating pork. Will you take the way you live from a couple-thousand-year-old book that has been translated, likely incorrectly, a thousand or so times, or from your own heart? What do you feel is right?” Dr. Zander reached across and squeezed Dane’s hand. “Think about that today, and we’ll talk about your thoughts tomorrow. Now, do you truly want to move to a new facility?”
“Yes. Tommy needs to be close to his friends. And I need Tommy. And I have to apologize to Bas and Ru.” Dane wondered where to even begin. Words never felt like enough, but he always spewed them so thoughtlessly.
“I’ll call your friend and discuss the transfer options with him to find a suitable location. We can continue our therapy sessions through Zoom or another app if you’d like, or I can recommend a new doctor for you.” Dr. Zander got up from the chair and opened the door. “I’ll get back to you by the end of the day with information on a place in Minnesota for you. I also want you to seriously consider making someone your power of attorney while you’re recovering. Not just for your financials like you have with your manager, but for your care as well. Someone objective to decide when you’re ready to leave.”
“You don’t think I can make that decision?”
“Short answer is no,” The doctor said not unkindly. “I think you’re trying to push yourself too quickly to meet standards that you’ve made up in your mind. Little things often set you back a lot. Instead of working through them, you shut down, stop eating, or responding at all. Do you feel you’re well enough to make that decision? Whether you’re ready to leave or not?”
Dane swallowed, then shook his head. “I’ll talk to Tommy. If he won’t do it, then Joely will.”
The doctor nodded. Dane’s stomach fluttered with the sick feeling of hope. How many times before had he felt that, only to have it shattered? But he had to try. He could only get better if he kept working for it.
