Chapter Nine
Dane paced his tiny room, waiting for the nurse to come and take him to therapy. It had been four days since Tommy’s friend Sebastian left. Tommy had returned Dane to the center without a word and hadn’t come back. Dane had really messed up this time, hadn’t he?
Since he’d returned, he’d watched every episode of that silly pony show, slept wrapped around his rainbow pony every night, and worked hard each day to overcome his eating problem. Four days wasn’t really that long. He’d been there months before even calling Tommy. Why was it so different now? Why did he want to leave so bad? Why did he feel so alone?
The door opened, and Nurse Hansen gave him a tight smile.
“Ready to go?”
Dane bolted through the door and made his way to therapy. He spent his days in his room, not socializing with the other patients. Most of them made him feel bad about eating, and he knew his friends wanted him to eat. So he ate. He still could only manage stuff that was uncooked and mostly unprocessed, but at least he didn’t feel like passing out every day from exhaustion. Food equaled fuel, his therapist reminded him all the time.
He stepped into the office and sat down without waiting for the doctor’s acknowledgment. There were things he wanted to ask, stuff from his past that messed with his head and was fucking up his life. He needed some clarity. Hopefully the doctor could provide some.
Dr. Zander got up and closed the door after waving the nurse off.
“Eager today, Dane? That’s a good sign. You look like you have things you want to say.” He moved to his seat across from Dane. The man sort of looked like someone’s grandfather: white hair, kind eyes, glasses, and patient smile. “You know that whatever you have to say stays confidential.”
“What if I’m gay?” Dane blurted.
He’d thought about it for days. He could remember his father’s angry words, could practically still feel the belt that would punish Dane for singing or dancing where his family might see. He’d learned at an early age to not even glance at other boys for fear of the pain that would come if he got caught.
Dane knew he’d cared more about Ru than he should have. Was it more than friendship? Sure, there were times when he wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold his friend, but he’d been good at hiding that need. It had been months since he’d last seen Ru. Would the feelings still be there? If Dane touched him, would it feel as good as when Bas held him? But that wasn’t fair. Ru had Adam now.
“Are you gay, Dane? Let’s talk about why you think you might be gay.”
“I like to dance and sing. And I think I like to cook. When Bas helped me make cookies, I really liked that, and then when I made food for Tommy, that felt right.”
“None of these actions make you gay.”
“My dad used to beat me when I danced or sang. Called me a faggot.” Dane hated that word. He still heard it in his dreams sometimes. “I don’t want to be gay.”
“Are you sexually attracted to men?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I notice that men are good-looking, but I notice women too.” Dane thought hard. “I was attracted to one of my bandmates. He never knew. I never told him. He’s with someone else now. But I wanted us to be close. I don’t think it was for sex. I don’t like sex.”
Sex with Dane didn’t happen. After his dad left, his mom had brought home a lot of guys, and a few female friends, who weren’t shy about what they wanted from her girly blond son. It was the reason he worked hard to bulk up. He didn’t want to be that scrawny kid who had to take it anymore.
“You don’t like being touched, or you don’t like the emotional intimacy of sex?”
“Being touched. Both, I guess. I don’t know.” He had horrible memories, none that he wanted to share. “I don’t like people touching me that way. I don’t like that feeling.”
“Because they hurt you?”
“Yes.” Most of the time. “Not always.”
“So you fear sex will hurt. Or you fear you’ll like it? Or you fear the loss of control that sex can give you?”
“All of it, I guess. I don’t want to be the monster my dad said I was.”
“Because you might like sex? And worse, you might like to have sex with other men?”
“I guess.”
“And if I told you it was normal to like sex? Healthy, even? And whether you enjoy men or women, or even alone, as long as it’s consensual, you’re not a monster of any kind?” Dr. Zander said.
“I don’t know.”
“Whether to believe it or not?”
