Chapter Seven
“Ican’t believe you did that,” Tommy ranted at Dane.
“You don’t see the way he looks at you.”
“I do. I know that Bas thinks I’m attractive. But I’m okay enough with my sexuality that it doesn’t bother me. He knows there is nothing sexual between us. He’s still my friend. Why you can’t see that and treat him kindly, I don’t know. Why were you such an asshole? Do you realize his grandmother just died? Like four days ago? He should be at home enjoying spring break or at least mourning her—the only one in his family who ever cared about him, by the way—but instead he came here because I asked him to look after you. To help you. And you throw it in his face with insults. Why do you hate him so much?” Tommy demanded.
“I don’t hate him.”
“You do. The things you say to him would make anyone believe you hate him. And not even because he’s not a nice guy. You hate him because he’s gay. That makes no sense to me. How does it affectyou, if he is gay? And don’t say anything to do with me, because we are friends, nothing else. And even if we were more than friends, that changes nothing between you and me.”
“Men shouldn’t like other men in that way.”
“Says who? Does that mean you hate Ru too? Is that why you never called or tried to reach out to him when he left the group? ’Cause I gotta tell you, this homophobic crap doesn’t cut it with me.”
“I don’t hate Ru. Ru’s a good guy, even if he loves another guy. It’s just not how it’s supposed to be done.”
“Then tell me, Dane. Howisit done? ’Cause looking at you, the way you try to kill yourself with exercise and no food? That’s not how it’s done either. What Ru has, the love he and Adam have found together, that’s the stuff of legends. Do you have any idea how bad I want that? Someone to go home to? Someone who makes me smile just for being there? Someone to hold me when I’m having a bad day? To share cookies or horror stories with? To have someone to tell me when I’m being stupid and give me a reason to be smart? All of that has got to be so much better than dying alone.” Tommy paced his tiny rented apartment, hands making a mess of his usually perfectly styled hair. “I’m trying to understand you, Dane. Help me understand.”
“I’ll never have that,” Dane said simply.
“What? My understanding?”
“Love.”
Tommy stopped and just stared at Dane. A moment later he crossed the room and knelt at Dane’s feet.
“That’s bullshit. Do you know that Ru felt that way, too, until he met Adam?” Tommy shook his head. “It’s out there for everyone. You just have to be open to it. Stop thinking you’re some kind of monster and just be you. Realize that there are people who love you even if it’s not a romantic love and embrace it.”
“Look at me! I’m not good-looking or talented or even charismatic like your friend Bas. Or like Ru’s Adam. I say things I shouldn’t. I hate the way I look. I can’t think like a normal person. All I can remember is how my parents treated me as a kid, and it makes me do stuff, …say stuff that was said to me, even if it burns like fire every time it comes out.”
“There’s no such thing as normal, Dane. By being here, getting into rehab, you’ve taken the first step to becoming the bestyou.” Tommy gripped Dane’s hands. “You have to realize that these issues—this crap in your head—were your parents’ issues, not yours. You are beautiful, talented, and a wonderful friend when you’re not letting yourself get in the way. If that wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be here. And Ru is always asking about you. He’s worried about you. You’ve got to stop pushing people away.”
“Maybe it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here,” Dane admitted, staring at the wall instead of at Tommy. “I have nothing left.”
“No, it wouldn’t be better without you. You are just beginning. But you need to stop being afraid of letting people see you. Look at Bas, for example. People hate him just because he’s on the more flamboyant side of gay. Ru’s not like him at all, nor is Adam, but they are all gay. It’s just like everyone else is varying shades of something. Some guys are assholes just ’cause they are. Some girls like lipstick while others prefer combat boots. You don’t hate people for that, right?”
Dane shrugged. He’d thought about it for a long time. What ifhewas gay? The memories taunted him with the accusation. People already looked at him in horror. What would they do if he added gay on top of it? His dad always accused him of being gay right before he beat him yet again.
“The important thing is only that youlove, not hate. Yourself first, then someone who will share themself with you.” Tommy wrapped his friend in a strong hug. “Be you, because you are amazing when you’re just you.”
“Nothing about me is amazing. I have an eating disorder. I work out too much. I’m depressed and always worried about something. I’ve never loved anyone. Not the way Ru does. It’s like my heart doesn’t work right.”
“Your heart works fine. You just have to let people in.”
Dane felt broken. Like there was a wall between him and everyone else. Or maybe a gaping void of darkness. His depression maybe? His rage at Tommy getting close to Bas had unraveled his minor control. Like if Bas was Tommy’s friend, then there wasn’t room for Dane. But that wasn’t right, was it?
“Bas is too perfect.” All the things Dane wasn’t.
“He’s not perfect at all. He has depression and anxiety. He’s attempted suicide before. Adam is part of what saved him. Now Bas has gotten his issues under control with medication and therapy. He volunteers at a suicide prevention hotline three nights a week talking to other people on the edge like he was. He also gives up his weekends to spend time at LGBT youth centers talking to kids about the crap they go through.”
“Yeah, yeah. He’s great. I get it. Going for sainthood.”
“You don’t get it.” Tommy threw himself onto the couch. “He’s overcome a lot of crap to be a better person. But underneath it all, he’s still got depression and anxiety issues. He just works hard to be available to everyone, to show the world that no matter how hard they kick him, he will get back up. He will make the world a better place, at least for those he reaches. And if we had lost him, we’d all be so much poorer for it. He still has his moments. Not every day is rainbows and cookies for anyone. The point is that he keeps getting back up and trying again, learning, growing, and helping others. You can’t let the world kill you.” Tommy reached out and dragged Dane across the couch into another tight hug.
“I want for you to be helping others overcome these body issues you have. I want people to look at you and say, ‘yeah, he’s an inspiration.’ But you gotta be willing.” Tommy sighed. “Do you think I’ve had a chance to love like Ru does? Most of the world doesn’t. You have to find something that great, and to do that you have to be open to it. Can you be open to it?”
“Not if I have to love myself first.”
Tommy snorted. “Thats the truth, right? Do any of us love ourselves? I don’t like myself most days.”
“But you’re Tommy.”
“And not amazing by half. But I’d like to think there is someone out there who can see beyond my giant network of flaws. Doesn’t let them bother them? I know it works that way with Adam and Ru. Adam is so innocent and sweet he makes my teeth ache sometimes. And Ru is a cynical bastard. But they work, you know? I want that.”
Dane closed his eyes and thought about it.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“You checked yourself into rehab to get better. How about you start by actually trying to get better? And stop treating my friend like he’s some sort of pervert with the plague.” Tommy picked up his phone. “I’m going to call and apologize for both of us.”
