“Okay,” I agreed, feeling a little weak in the knees that he’d called me beautiful. We stepped outside and the activity had picked up, people starting their day and wandering from shop to shop in the warm weather. I had to tell him. My gut churned, threatening to upchuck all I’d eaten at the idea of keeping silent, and of telling him all at once.
“Thanks for being nice to me,” I said. “I see you at school and you’re nice to everyone. I guess I thought it was an act cause you’re famous and all that.”
“I’m not famous.”
“Around here you are.”
“It’s all low-level mainstream stuff. Not like I’m making some top models list in New York or even Paris.” He shrugged. “It’s not really in my plan either. It’s just a way to pay the bills, save money for college and all that.” He shoved his free hand in his pocket. “I’m going to go into engineering. All the lights fade anyway. My mom modeled in her teens, but now she’s a receptionist.”
“Engineering sounds interesting.”
He gave me a knowing smile. “It’s very boring. Your photography thing sounds better.”
“I hope to win awards someday. Maybe be a photo journalist.” I’d have to leave the safety of my small suburb first, which was hard, but no one was rushing me.
“You will,” Lucas said.
“You don’t even know if I’m any good.”
He laughed. “Okay. Got me there.”
“So you only model for the money?” I wondered.
“It’s good money. It’s just me and mom. Easier than working at some retail job on the weekends. Makes more, even if it takes a lot of hours of time working out and focusing on nutrition to keep in shape and compete with other models.” He flushed. “Sundays are usually my cheat days. I eat what I want and be lazy.”
I glanced back toward the restaurant. He hadn’t eaten much. Because he’d been with me? “Sorry. We can go back if you want?”
He shook his head. “It’s fine. Just trying to help you understand the different sides of photography. Sometimes it’s art. Sometimes it’s just work. It’s mostly work for me.”
I had never really thought about any of that before, that he had to fit a role and the clothing the world set for him instead of being who he wanted. “I’m sorry,” I said finally.
“Why?”
“I guess because I thought you liked it? That the camera liked you and you liked it?”
“I think that’s all in the perception. I don’t dislike photos, not even photos of me.” He pointed to a shop that featured large prints of photos for sale as wall art. “Like those are nice. I’m not sure I can appreciate them the same way as everyone else. It takes a certain eye to really see them as more than just pictures. Real talent to take that picture and perception, and be able to show the entire world what to see.”
I stared at him, breath tight, feeling like a fraud. I tugged my hand away and immediately missed his touch. “I need to tell you something, and I hope you don’t hate me.”
He frowned, eyebrows raised, expression thoughtful. “You have a boyfriend?”
“Uh no.” How could I tell him when he looked at me like that? “But I’m not what you think I am.”
“What do I think you are?”
I stepped back just in case everything went to hell. “I’m not a girl.” I spewed the words so fast I wondered if he understood them. “I’m not a girl,” I said again. “Aunt Patty asked me to fill in because the model didn’t show up and she thought I could pass. And I guess I can, but I’m not sorry that I look okay this way. I like it, and I think sometimes I might want to dress this way even if I’m not a girl.” I took a deep breath and kept going. “I am sorry because I wasn’t trying to fool you or anything. I didn’t expect you to kiss me or to like when you did, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to see me anymore or be in pictures with me or let me photograph you.”
Lucas was silent a long time. I felt owl-eyed, blinking at him, but I’d taken enough steps back that I could only sort of see his face since I wasn’t wearing my glasses. His expression was a mask of confusion.
“Why did you come here then?” he asked after a long moment.
“Because I thought you were nice. And you were worried about me. I thought maybe we could be friends.” It wasn’t really what I wanted. I wanted to find out what more meant, but friends would be okay. Him cutting ties completely would hurt when I’d only begun to learn more about him, and I didn’t want to think about that yet, even when standing face-to-face with that reality.
“Friends?”
I took another step back, his word feeling a bit like a blow. Like he was confused as to why I would want that.
“I’m sorry. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone you thought I was a girl. I just wanted you to know. I think you’re nice, and you made me feel pretty even though I’m different. I won’t bug you at school, or if I see you at a shoot or something. Maybe your manager will move me to a different manager? I’m not sure how that works.” I let out a long breath trying to hold back the sting of tears.
“Thank you for being nice. I was pretty nervous.” Was this what heartbreak felt like? I’d only read about it in books before. I turned and took a step away, needing to get some distance between us so I could cry and not feel like an idiot. Just because Lucas had seen me for a few minutes and didn’t want the real me, didn’t mean no one else ever would. “See you around,” I said and rushed away.
It was hard not to look back as I dialed my mom. He didn’t call my name or try to stop me from leaving, which was good because tears were already streaming down my cheeks.
