Chapter 5
Jenny dropped me at home quarter after five, with my many packages. I’d only used mom’s credit card for the camera and my savings for everything else, including the dress, the shoes, the jewelry and more makeup than I thought anyone needed. Getting my nails done had been an odd sensory experience. The sound of the nail file made my skin crawl. I wasn’t sure I’d be doing that again soon, but my nails looked nice, a clear polish over the top.
James was still playing games when I came in. “Little bit of shopping, bro?” He asked as I passed.
“Got a new camera,” I said.
“Cool. You’ll have to show me later.”
“Sure.” James didn’t really care for the camera thing, but he often asked me about it, or let me take test pictures of him as I was learning a new lens or filter.
I went to my room, and began unboxing everything. Plugged in the camera, hung up the dress, sorted out the makeup and other necessary products. Apparently, there was a whole line of cleansing items. I wasn’t certain I knew how to use all of them, but Jenny promised to send me a few tutorial videos she preferred.
The dress hung on the outside of the closet door so I could admire the pattern of it. It had only been twenty dollars, which Jenny assured me was a bargain. The shoes three times that. The jewelry only a few dollars.
I ran my hand over the skirt, enjoying the texture of the bit of flared pleat with eyelets. Several hours ago, I wouldn’t have known what any of that meant. Now I hoped to look it up and learn more.
Someone knocked on the open door, and I turned to find my dad there. My heart hammered for a minute as his gaze when from me to the hanging dress and back to me. I waited to see something in his face. I always felt a bit like I was disappointing him by not being normal like James. I was too smart, too focused, too nerdy, not affectionate enough, and not like other kids. But he didn’t look upset.
He held up the folder. “I talked this over with your mom, and Patty. Read through this.” He waved his hand at the dress on the wall. “Do you want to be a girl?”
“No…”
He stared at me, his expression assessing. “You’ve always liked dressing up. Is this another costume?”
“Sort of?” I shrugged. “I like feeling pretty.”
“You’re always pretty, or handsome, or whatever,” my dad said.
I didn’t feel that way. Mostly I felt strange, different, and lonely. Having the camera in hand made the world easier. I could take pictures, focus on something else, and keep a barrier between me and everyone else.
“Nothing shameful about being a girl or dressing like one, or feeling pretty.” He frowned, reaching for a curl that rested on my shoulder, but hesitating to touch. “When you were little, you always wanted the pretty dresses we saw in the stores. Your mom bought you one and you wore it a week straight. I think it was other kids teasing that made you stop.” He sighed. “I don’t want you to be afraid to be you, Tory. Whether that’s dressing in pretty things or taking pictures of the neighbor’s dog when it’s pooping.”
“Patty said it was funny,” I muttered. A shot meant to get the colors of twilight, but instead catching the dog squatting. It hadn’t been intentional, but I’d posted it due to the comedy factor Aunt Patty and James got out of it.
Dad set down the contract, flipping it open to reveal some pages with red marks, others with sections crossed out, stuff added to the margins. “I’ve sent a copy of revisions to the agency. This is what you want to do?”
“I can learn a lot.”
“But that’s not what I asked,” Dad said. “Do you want people to see you? In pictures in magazines, dressed as a girl or otherwise?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “Some of the pictures are so beautiful. I wish I’d taken them.”
“But they are of you.”
“Yeah, weird, right?” And Lucas, Lucas was pretty. “It would be money for college, and I can learn lots. Mr. Clark said it would be easy to find work for me. Aunt Patty said she would chaperone, but I’d like if you came with sometimes.” I’d probably have been a lot less nervous if my dad had been there today.
“You’ll keep your grades up,” Dad said.
I snorted. Like school was hard? The worst part of school was socializing. But I stuck to the nerd groups and did okay. “Of course.” I frowned as I thought of something. “Would it be strange of me to like another boy?”
“No,” Dad said, “not strange at all. Does this other boy like you?”
“As a girl maybe.” That thought made me sad.
“Well, if he doesn’t like you as you, no matter how you’re dressed, then he’s not worth your time.” Dad placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“I have a date with him tomorrow,” I admitted. “Dressed as a girl.” I glanced at the dress, no longer as excited to wear it. Not if it meant ending the five minutes Lucas and I had together.
“But you like him.”
“I don’t really know him.”
“Then be you,” Dad said. “You are special in a lot of amazing ways. I hope you understand that.”
Tears blurred my vision, his words warming something in me. Even as unusual as I was, he still loved me. I threw myself into my dad’s arms and he hugged me tight. Whatever happened tomorrow I’d be okay. But I would tell Lucas, whether it meant the end of something we hadn’t even started or not. He deserved the truth.
