Tommy nodded and headed to the stage door. Once through it, he was alone. No security, no Katie, no Paige. His hands shook with anxiety. “Not the first time you’ve stood on a stage, dumbass,” he muttered to himself.
The stagehand showed him to the stage and the X in the distance. Tommy paused on the edge, watching as Paige and Katie took a seat near the back. There were only a handful of people in the seats below. He did a long chain of breathing, in and out, then stepped up to his mark, bowed a hello, and said, “I’m Tommy Foster. Thank you for letting me audition.”
“Welcome, Mr. Foster. Please turn to page thirty-seven. We’ll begin at the top of the scene.” The lights were bright and he couldn’t really make out anyone near the stage but turned to the page and glanced over the scene. He knew it by heart. Had practiced it with Ru a few times.
“I’m ready,” he said. On cue he launched into the scene without having to refer to the script once. The guy opposite him was good, and Tommy sank into the role. It was almost too easy. He had never met the man he portrayed, only knew him from video and song, but used what he did know to become the legend.
The scene ended. Tommy bowed again and made his way back to the edge of the stage where he was guided back to the waiting room. A handful of the other participants smiled and nodded his way. Giving him a ‘great job’ comment. He tried to savor that instead of the imposter syndrome growing in his gut. He still had to sing. Acting was only half of it.
He could see the others on a small TV monitor off to the side. Watched them audition. His security stayed close to him, a wall of muscle and a sound barrier that kept him from sinking into anxiety. Three other guys were really good. Like Tommy thought, wow, they are amazing actors, and who was he to compete?
And then the music portion began. He was the fourth one up and shaking by the time he was called. The first two hit it out of the park. The third had been a bit shaky. Tommy felt like he was going to be the flop of the day. But he walked out there, rolling through his breathing arsenal, and stopping to let the pianist know he’d be singing “Who wants to live forever.”
It was that moody tenor song that a lot of people found difficult. Some of those high notes could make or break a vocalist. Tommy stepped up to the mark, nodded to the pianist and focused not on the casting group, but on Paige in the back. How many times had he sang this for her? She probably hated the song by now, but never told him to shut up. Ru couldn’t sing this one, not the way Tommy could. Ru’s voice was too deep and edgy, not the floating melody Tommy could play with. Ru could do a metal version of this song that would make people vibrate with joy. Tommy’s version was more like the original. They practiced every day for hours.
Tommy sank into the song, feeling the words with his soul, sending them out as an anthem. He couldn’t see much of Paige’s face, but her red curls still caught the lights. The anxiety dropped away, and there was only the music filling him with life, and Paige in the distance watching him. This was how music was supposed to feel. When had he last felt like this? The magic of it? He breathed into the energy, pouring it back out into the song.
The song dropped away with his vibrato still echoing through the theater. The acoustics here were good. How fun would it be to play with the sound in a place like this?
There was clapping. Paige and Katie in the back on their feet. The smattering of others also clapping. The lights too bright to catch faces, and that was okay. Tommy smiled and bowed, his heart a bit lighter. He had no idea how he’d done; he’d been lost in the song and play of sound. But he’d done it.
He headed back toward the waiting area, coming through the door from the stage searching for his security first, and maybe a bottle of water. A girl he didn’t know wrapped her arms around him as he stepped through the door.
“I love you, Tommy. You were so amazing.” She clung to him, her hands all over him. He flinched, and the security guys were on her, pulling her away, dragging her out. One guard staying at his side, the other removing her from the room. It felt cruel, but Tommy didn’t stop them. He wasn’t here for some fan event. Wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t owe anyone anything. He gave them music, they expected to own him. He was still working on boundaries.
But gone were the few seconds of euphoria over his performance. One act stripping away the confidence and safety he’d been clinging to. Now he just wanted to get back to Paige and home. But they had to wait until the auditions were over. It was rude to come and go. His second guard returned, muttering an apology that the girl had gotten through. Tommy shrugged, trying to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. He was stuck waiting with the guards between him and the room, his back to the wall.
He got a text from Ru:Amazing. You nailed it. Freddie’s giving you a standing ovation from Heaven.
Tommy breathed out a long sigh.How do you know?Had Katie sent him video?
R:I’m standing in the back near the door. Will see you soon. Like I would miss this, bro.
Tommy stuck his phone in his right pocket, needing to see his people. He tried to do a few breathing counts to make the time pass quicker. Listening to the others sing made him feel like a fraud. But he’d done it, and Ru was proud. Paige had clapped. That had to mean something.
He shoved his other hand in his left pocket. What was that? He frowned and pulled out the smooth object from the left pocket. He flinched as though it burned him. It was one of those little travel liquor bottles. His heart flipped over. Panic seizing him instantly. He shoved it back in his pocket fearing someone would see it and he’d be back to square one. Locked away, and broken.
He sent a text to Ru.Help!
Everything was narrowing. Tunnels forming around the side of his vision and he worked hard to breathe. How many times had he trained in this? Knew he couldn’t avoid it forever. Someday he’d be bound to encounter one of his vices. But how had it gotten there? Had someone missed it in the pants? Not possible. They were new pants. Paige had picked them for him from her thrift shop.
He trembled and reached for one of the guards. He hated to have to be carried out, that would end up in the media, and his dad was still trying to gain control. Suing him for money outright now.
It was Paige who wrapped her arms around him first. He clung to her, giving her too much of his weight, but she didn’t complain. He was probably crushing her. “Left pocket,” he wheezed, afraid to move, to touch it again.
Ru dug into his pocket and pulled out the bottle, his expression turning to rage instantly. Tommy couldn’t stop the tears. He wanted to scream it wasn’t him, he didn’t do it, but couldn’t make out the words.
“Not you, baby. It’s okay,” Paige whispered, her breath warm on his face. “Big trigger. It’s okay.”
Katie was talking to the guards, but there were too many people. Tommy had been stupid to think he was ready for this. He should go back to rehab, keep working through all this. He’d been out a few days and already he was coming apart.
“Car’s outside,” he heard Katie say. She draped the coat over his head, and Paige directed him. Tommy walked like a zombie, head down, the guards, Ru and Katie acting as a barrier around him. He struggled to breathe and the narrow walls of terror still flooded his mind.
And then the noise ended with a car door slam. They were in the limo. Tommy bowed over his knees, seat belt stretched tight, though he couldn’t recall putting it on. Paige rubbed circles on his back, whispering soft things. Katie and Ru were silent. Tommy wondered if they were mad. Did they think he’d grabbed it somewhere? And from where? He couldn’t look up, didn’t want to see the judgment on their faces.
“You were amazing,” Paige told him.
He didn’t feel amazing. She curled up against his side, half draped over him like a shield. She didn’t stop touching him, or whispering things the entire ride home. He barely remembered being led upstairs and dropping into bed to hide from the world.
