A nurse opened the door, female this time. She smiled at him as she wrote her name on the white board. Shana. “I’m your morning nurse,” she told him.
A full-on panic attack took over. Tommy hunched over. Brain narrowing to nothing but fear and anxiety. For no reason!
He tried to grasp at some reason for the attack. It wasn’t like Shana was scary. She was small and probably a woman in her forties. Shana sat beside him, rubbing his back. “Breathe through it. You know the 4-7-8 method? In for four,” she demonstrated sucking in air. “Hold for seven,” she counted, and Tommy held until he thought he’d burst. “Out for 8.” She breathed out a long breath and Tommy followed. It took a half dozen rounds before the panic began to fade.
“I don’t know why this is happening,” Tommy whispered.
“It’s called the ‘dawn effect’. Has to do with sleep and wake cycles, cortisol rising as a natural part of waking. Your hormones are unbalanced right now. In time they will stabilize.”
“Can I leave the room?” He looked around the big space full of his stuff and felt more than a little claustrophobic. He’d been hiding for months, the barrier between him and the world seeming to help, but he needed to not be in a box right this moment.
“Sure. Let’s get you to the media room for a bit. Breakfast isn’t until seven.”
“Can I have coffee?” Tommy wondered.
“Decaf or tea. No stimulants.”
He wrinkled his nose, but would take what he could get. “Okay. Decaf, I guess.”
“Do you need help getting dressed?” Shana asked. “I’ll go get you a chair. No reason to exhaust yourself already. Save the real work for physical rehab.”
“I think I can dress,” Tommy said, though he wasn’t sure at all. He hated having to use the wheelchair but the place was huge. “I guess it will be a big deal when I don’t need the chair at all, right?”
Shana smiled. “For sure. A couple weeks maybe? We see the nutrition angle help a lot. Getting enough protein and nutrients in for your body to work on repairing itself. The first few days are usually a struggle. Lots of meetings and getting used to the routine, stress always creates a bit of a stall on recovery.” She patted him on the shoulder. “Let me grab the chair. I’ll knock when I get back, if you need me to help you dress, don’t feel shy. I have boys your age.”
“You don’t look old enough to have boys my age.”
“You’re sweet.” She headed for the door. Tommy made his way to the closet, getting sweatpants, a long-sleeved shirt, boxers, and he tugged them all on a bit haphazardly, adding the pajamas to the bin beside the closet door that had a sign above it stating it was laundry.
Shana returned with the chair and a pair of socks. “These are anti-slip socks. Hospital grade, but comfy. Fall prevention.” She tugged them on his feet and he got into the chair. At least his legs were mostly working today. That strange vibration at the base of his spine was still a constant bit of noise and anxiety in the back of his mind. He wondered if it were real. Was there a way for anyone else to sense that movement? Or was that part of his nervous system gone haywire?
“I think I actually slept,” Tommy said.
“That’s a great first step,” Shana guided him out of the room and down the hall. The media room was empty, television on to some random cartoon. “No news, but we have some options like Disney movies, anime, music channels.” She passed over the remote and a plastic-coated list of channels. “Do you want coffee or tea?”
He sighed. “Decaf? Really?”
Her smile was knowing. “Yes, really. Caffeine is technically another drug. We have a good strawberry green tea that has a bit of caffeine in it, but green tea is relaxing, and about the same amount of caffeine as a cup of decaf. Do you want to try that?”
“I guess?” He looked around needing to do something more than sit there and watch TV. He’d always been a fidgeting type. High energy maybe? Even exhausted he needed to do something. “My friends brought me some activity books a while back when I was at the other place, but I haven’t gotten to really use them yet. Can I have those?” He hadn’t more than glanced at the stack.
“Let me check on the status of those. Joe will sit here while I get your stuff. That okay?”
Tommy hadn’t even noticed the guy. He lingered near the door, a big man with a neutral expression. His name tag said he was a Nurse Assistant. “Okay.” Tommy climbed into the giant armchair and curled himself into the cushy space. The lights were low, volume too, and that was okay. It felt less dark and oppressive. He flicked the TV around the channels, settling on a top forty music channel that happened to be playing Ru’s song “Start Something.” It was a black screen with the title and artist on it each time it changed. Tommy was thrilled to hear his friend’s voice again, even if only through song.
Shana returned with the tea, and it smelled good. Tasted a bit like strawberries. He also got a stack of stuff to sort through. Crosswords, word finds, Sudoku books, a blank lined notebook, and even one with blank music scores; he also had a stack of coloring books and pencils. The coloring pencils were strange, no sharpening required as the top twisted to produce a dull edge like crayons in a replaceable cartridge. He fiddled with them for a minute, fascinated. He hadn’t colored since he’d been a kid, but had been told often enough in therapy that coloring could help ease his anxiety.
He sorted through the stack of coloring books. One of them was a wash of florals hiding swear words and snarky sayings. He flipped through that book and smiled when he found a unicorn doing a downward dog yoga pose and farting. It said “Exhale the bullshit.”
He folded the book open and began to color, music playing as the last of the morning anxiety began to fade. He thought maybe he could do this after all.
