I’m not mad. Well, I am a little. More hurt than mad. Working to understand. Adam has found a great support group for us. But talking out my feelings in a group has never been easy. Maybe once I see you again?
I don’t hate you. But I am a little mad. A lot hurt. I don’t know what else to say.
Ru
Tears burned Tommy’s eyes again as he handed the letter back. Marissa. He tried to remember her, but only got bits of some broken memory. Attacked? Had he hurt her?
“My memory is really jacked,” Tommy grumbled. “I don’t know if I remember a Marissa?” He thought about that and caught a glimpse of red hair? “Red hair?”
“That would be Paige. Marissa has dark hair. She’s moved out to live with family in Washington as she recovers.”
“Did I hurt her?” He couldn’t imagine hurting anyone, but obviously his memory was fucked up.
His mom shook her head. “No, sweetheart. I’m not sure you even knew her all that well.”
That was a huge relief. “Ru hates me.”
“He doesn’t,” his mom assured him, taking that letter and returning it to the stack. “He’s confused and very hurt. Out of the group, Sebastian and Adam seem the calmest? Understanding? We all go to the support group once a week.”
“And talk about me?” He felt sick at that idea.
“It’s more complicated than that. There’s a lot of self-blame in that room, sometimes it gets heated. Why didn’t someone push you to get help? That sort of thing.”
“I wouldn’t have let them.”
“And that is what is taking them time to accept and understand. Choices were made on all sides, not all of them good. But you’re still here. There’s a chance to fix things.” She leaned in and hugged him again. “I’m glad you’re still here.”
“Even though I’m a mess?” He blinked back tears. “I still crave it. One pill might make me feel better?” Or a drink. He could really use a drink. A whole bottle would take him back to that void.
“That is going to be the long recovery part.” She pulled away to cup his face in her hands, tears glistening in her eyes, smile bright. “But you’re finally back. You’re not staring through everyone as if they aren’t there. I think maybe you’ve turned a corner? Can really start to recover now?”
He sucked in a deep breath, fear settling in his gut. What if he failed again? What if he got out and went back to all of that? How long before the stress would drive him to drink, or lack of sleep to another pill? “I’m not ready to go back yet,” he admitted.
“No,” his mom agreed. “But maybe you’ll get to move to rehab soon and actually work on getting ready?”
“Will that be different than here?” Tommy wondered.
She shrugged. “A bit more freedom. Lots of therapy, individual and group. Learning coping skills. Things to prevent you from relapsing. Though it sounds like this is always going to be a battle.” She kissed him on the forehead. “I’m sorry for that. I have some family who have battled alcohol addiction in the past. It sounds like part of it is hereditary?”
“You didn’t hand me liquor, or pills.” He thought back to the stashes he had in both his places. In San Diego and Minnesota. “I have a lot of stuff stashed.”
“It’s already been taken care of. Katie had teams into both places to search it top to bottom. I’m not sure any of us realized how bad off you were until we got pictures.” She looked fierce now. “Dozens of bottles of that medication, from doctors everywhere. And the liquor…I’ve never seen that much outside of a bar. We didn’t find any illegal narcotics.”
Other than what Mr. Corbin had disposed of. Tommy felt bad for that. “I don’t remember it being that bad.” He didn’t remember a lot of things.
“It will come back. In fact, Adam says you’ll start to remember things as you heal that you’d forgotten a long time ago. Not all of it pleasant. Sometimes recovery brings up trauma we thought we got over. We are all reading through a long list of books he’s found to help us understand your recovery. But you have to be willing to put in the effort to recover.” She looked around. “Which means the next step is less hiding in your room, even if you don’t feel well.”
Tommy had missed months. It was what, August now? Wouldn’t everyone be headed back to school soon? Off to college? Was anyone around at all? “Where is everyone?”
“How about we worry more about getting you to the next phase, and then we’ll worry about visiting schedules?”
But he’d been so fucking alone. His doing? He didn’t remember signing anything or even telling anyone to go away. He also couldn’t deny how bad his cravings were either; the idea of seeing them or not seeing them, intensified it. His body screaming with a need to relax, while still teetering on the edge of a panicked abyss. “Okay,” he agreed after a long moment. “What do I have to do?”
