Chapter Twenty
Dane returned to rehab a little sad to say good-bye to his friends. It was a lot like the end of a tour season, all the crowds, lights, and excitement fading into the darkness, or the memory of a dream that was so hard to keep close.
The day had been long and the weekend tiring. He thought back to his conversation with Adam and his confession. Adam hadn’t been upset, but Dane couldn’t help his reaction to Ru’s touch. It had been surprising when the singer had wrapped his arms around him. He just wasn’t used to anyone touching him. Dane thought he would have felt something, butterflies or rainbows or something like you read about in novels. But it was just his friend and a hug. Nice but nothing earth-shattering.
Six months ago he would have been riding on a cloud of happiness, now he was just confused. Since he was facing the rest of the evening alone, his mind already began reciting horrible ideas. What if Ru found out about Dane’s feelings? Would Adam tell him?
And what did Bas feel at that moment? Was he jealous at all? Was he at all interested in Dane? Did he like touching Dane as much as Dane liked feeling Bas’s touch?
“Stop,” he told himself. His fingers knotted in his hair, tugging on the length. “You’re not helping things. Adam told you to just be friends first. Just go to bed and stop thinking so much.”
If he saw them tomorrow, what would they say? Would they be talking to each other about him at this very moment? Comparing horror stories of the things he’d said and done in the past? Or the way he looked now, like some copper-haired freak with a funny-shaped face.
He thought about his time staring in the mirror with Bas. Bas said he found Dane attractive. But what if it was a lie? What if the whole weekend was just their attempt to make him feel better about himself because he really did look awful and no one knew how to fix it? What if they were all humoring him because they were uncomfortable dealing with his problem?
So what if he hated food? He was sure there were plenty of people in the world who hated food like he did. Just becausetheyall ate like normal people didn’t mean he had to. Both Bas and Ru could probably stand to lose a few pounds. How many times had AJ said something when they were practicing or after a show and Dane had agreed?
He slapped his palm to the side of his head.
“Stop. Think about something else. Ponies or cooking. Something happy. If you don’t want anyone to judge the way you eat, then you can’t judge them.” Bas had added a few more shows to his tablet to watch, a ton of recipes to browse, and an app that kept track of his food to ensure he had enough servings of vegetables, fruit, and protein.
Dane glared at his tiny room and the pony sitting on his bed. Did he even need to be there? He felt okay. He’d done well all weekend. Only now was his head running away with him because he was alone. Maybe that was why Tommy always had a new girl on his arm. If he was at all like Dane, he just didn’t want to be alone in his own head for too long.
Dane perched on the edge of the bed and reviewed the day’s meals on the app. Bas had set it so it hid things like calories and fat and marked only servings. He had certain amounts of each group he was supposed to eat each day. He got a star for each section he’d completed. Apparently he’d achieved the goal for all of them because he had a big smiley face and five stars.
Had he really eaten all that? Who decided on those servings anyway? Why did the number seem so high? He’d gotten all his necessary servings in, which was good. But if he kept eating like that, he’d be huge in no time.
He sighed. Food was fuel, but he hadn’t done enough to combat all those calories today, had he? He put the tablet aside, changed into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, and made his way to the clear corner of the room to do push-ups and sit-ups. If he worked his body hard enough, he wouldn’t need the sleeping pills. He’d take them anyway just to turn off the noise in his head, but he had to get physically tired first. He did ten of one set before switching to the other and back again.
He thought about all the things that had happened over the weekend: his breakdown in the bathroom at Bas’s; the time at the spa; seeing himself in the mirror; and the shared kisses.
He’d kissed Bas, and Bas had kissed him. Dane’s heart hammered with the memory, his brain cycling through all the vicious things his father used to say. He pushed his body harder into the exercise. It wouldn’t matter how hard he worked, he would never fit in with all his friends. He wasn’t perfect like them. He didn’t have any right to kiss Bas. Dane was so far from being a unicorn, he was just a donkey in disguise. Still a faker.
He paused long enough to smack himself in the head again before moving into another round of push-ups. A nurse knocked on the door and entered a moment later, a large man with dark hair and shoulders wide enough that he could have doubled as a linebacker. Dane didn’t stop moving. He counted, aiming for five hundred. If that didn’t work, he’d go for a thousand. He should have plenty of fuel still in him to do that.
He didn’t know these nurses like he had at the old center, but this one had his pills.
“Just put them on the table,” Dane told the man. “I’ll take them in a minute.”
“You’re not scheduled for a workout today, Mr. Karlson. Let’s get you up and to bed for the night.” The nurse set the tray down, then approached him.
“Just a couple more,” Dane said. He had to work off some of what he’d eaten. He couldn’t be around Ru, Tommy, Adam, and Bas if he looked like a bloated cow. None of them needed to know how hard he worked to keep in shape.
The nurse grabbed Dane’s arm and yanked him to his feet.
“You’re not supposed to be working out today.”
Dane struggled against him, but the nurse wrapped his arms around Dane, holding him in place, arms at his sides.
“You don’t understand. I have to work out. Do you know who I am? Who my friends are? How perfect they are? I ate so much this weekend that anyone can look at me and see I’m a pig. Probably put on twenty pounds.” Dane fought and tried to free an arm to punch the man, but it was like being held by a brick wall. The man even wrapped one of his tree-trunk-sized legs around both of Dane’s to keep him from kicking out.
“Do you want me to be huge like you? Let me go. I’ll just go to five hundred, that’s all. It’s not that much. I’ve done it before. I did five thousand once.”
“I know that you’ve been out all weekend, and if you keep coming back from your time away like this, you won’t be let out anymore.” The nurse half carried, half dragged him to the bed. “Let’s get your meds in you. Tomorrow you can talk to your doctor about your workout program.”
Dane nodded, letting the man think he agreed, and waited for the grip to loosen as the nurse reached for the glass of water and meds. The second the nurse let go, Dane swung out with a closed fist and clocked the man as hard as he could in the jaw. The man barely budged, but Dane kept swinging. A minute later, more men came in. Orderlies, maybe. Dane couldn’t see past his need to get free and didn’t care. He struggled like he never had when he’d been a kid and was repeatedly raped.
“Let me go. You can’t keep me here. I just want to work out a little longer. I’ll go to bed soon, I promise.” He needed to move, to tire his body out so his brain would just stop for a while.
It seemed like only seconds passed before they had a firm grip on him and he couldn’t move. He felt the stick of a needle and cursed them. They were knocking him out so all the calories would just stick with him.
“Damn you!”
The blackness began to tug him down as they carried him to the bed.
“Get some rest, Dane.”
Dane felt a few moments of shortness of breath before the world snapped away with all the crap in his head. He prayed the blissful void would stay with him this time.
