He of course could not.
Darcy put his hand on her shoulder, and she violently shoved it away. “I never expected you to marry me. Never. Except tonight… when you played the hero, and then when you told me you admired me… I… I hoped, a little.”
“I spoke incautiously,” Darcy replied stiffly. “And I did not consider the interpretations your mind might put upon it.”
“I have come too much to rely upon your friendship.” Elizabeth trembled. She pressed her hands against her face again, squeezing around the eyes.
“I too had forgotten to be cautious,” Darcy replied. “I know that my position is extremely eligible. That is why I always make clear to every woman I meet that I am not at liberty to marry again, and that—”
“I don’t care a tuppence for your position. Do not make the pretence that you are not at liberty to marry. You are at liberty to marry, you choose not to. I am not fooled by the difference, and you should not lie to yourself upon the matter.”
Those words stood between.
“Yes, I choose not to marry again,” Darcy said at last. He felt bitter and sick. “And that is my choice. But it is an honourable and just choice. And you cannot expect me to give up my scruples for one whose situation in life is so inferior to my own. You hoped to find in me someone who would rescue you from your present situation in life and raise you to the heights of wealth and station. I do not blame you for seeking to attach me, but—”
“How can you manage to become so hateful? Why must you say such things? I had not expected you to speak in such an ungentlemanly manner. I would not now marry you were you willing. Not after I have heard what you truly think of me, and of those who I love most dearly.”
“Would you have had me flatter your vanity?”
“Mr. Darcy, I am deeply grateful for your friendship, and your kindness. But I beg you, I beg you from my soul, leave me alone so that I might cry and be sad in peace.” She pulled out her handkerchief, wiped off the tears that covered her cheeks.
Darcy could not look at her, but he sat next to her on the cold stone balustrade.
He had never felt so awful in his life. Possibly not even when he had watched Anne die. And that was the unfairness that he’d always shown to Anne again, worrying about himself and his own feelings far more than her.
The stars twinkled, the sound of violins ached from within the ballroom.
Laughter and conversation. Loud raucous sounds. Voices, voices, voices. The air was chill and cold on their bodies. Elizabeth ought to go inside. It was unhealthy to sit on a stone bench as she did.
“I did not wish to hurt you,” Darcy said. “I did not think of how it would sound to another when I spoke to defend myself. I should not have spoken so slightingly of your position. Your family, or your motives.”
She shuffled so that she sat further from him.
“I value your friendship deeply,” Darcy added. “I… hope I have not destroyed it by my thoughtless words tonight.”
She turned to face him. In the moonlight her cheeks were shiny from the tears.
After a while she nodded.
“I truly do not…” Darcy stopped. He had no idea what he could say, and Elizabeth was clearly miserable. He should not defend himself.
The voice echoed in the back of his mind again:Ask her to marry you, you fool.
“Let me have your handkerchief,” Elizabeth said. She smiled at him. A tremulous smile, but a real one. “Mine own is sodden.”
Darcy gave her the piece of cloth, embroidered in gold by his sister with F.D., and watched her wipe off her face, and then put it in her pocket next to her own.
Darcy noted this without protest, he liked the idea that she could keep a token of his.
He felt a moment of uneasiness at the possibility that she could use it in a scheme intended to entrap him in marriage. He rejected the idea immediately. Elizabeth would not, unless he had wholly misjudged her character.
The two sat together, the cold seeping into them. But at least she did not hate him.
Why wasn’t he asking her to marry him?
He’d decided to never marry again, it was that simple. He only had never before thought he would be tempted.
Elizabeth shivered.
