Elizabeth and Darcy shared a look, and Elizabeth refrained from commenting upon the nonsense of worrying about how diligent and useful a creature was when they had only left the safety of the mother’s womb less than four and twenty hours ago.
That nonsense made a smaller part of the mixture of Lady Catherine’s advice than things which were sensible, commonsensical, or at least defensible. Even the matter of aschedule was defensible, though Elizabeth thought that when she had a child, she would let him suck whenever he wanted for at least the first six months or so.
Afterwards Elizabeth and Darcy took Emily out for a walk, and they determined during the course of it that it would be best for him tonotannounce the marriage to his aunt until Jane recovered sufficiently to return with Bennet to the comfort of her own rooms at the parsonage.
Perhaps Lady Catherine would not engage in any shocking behaviour, but perhaps she would. It certainly would not make things more comfortable for everyone involved, as the woman would be made unhappy.
Afterwards they spoke about what it had been like for Elizabeth to watch Jane give birth.
“Enough of that,” Elizabeth said after telling her tale. “The whole affair was frightening, and we must talk about something else. Tell me, when did you first know that you were in love with me?”
“I believe the matter was so gradual,” Darcy said seriously, “that I was half in the middle before I had known that I had begun. I had been very determined to avoid doing any such thing.”
“That,” Elizabeth said with a smile to avoid giving it any sting, “is not a matter I am likely to forget.”
Darcy smiled. “Every gentleman makes mistakes, it is only the exceptional ones who correct them.”
“Ah, I now understand.”
“I do not like to think about how you were made unhappy… I suppose… I did not think much about that. When I approached you after arriving here, I did not imagine that you would refuse me… I always assumed that my wealth, my position would draw any woman. Your rejection, though it was not harsh — you telling me that you would not marry me if I approached you withthat attitude was of great value to me. You were wholly serious, and you were right to be so.”
“I knew what I wished for.”
“Precisely. I had always assumed that I would be received with acceptance by any woman whose hand I deigned to ask for, but you showed me that a woman worth admiring would demand more.”
They smiled at each other.
“I think I spent the entire time since I left Netherfield calling myself a fool for not marrying you, that is when business left me time.”
“But you never came back,” Elizabeth replied. “I knew you would not, but I had dreams for a month of seeing you riding to the door, telling me that you cared for nothing else, and that you had returned to marry me.”
“I did make you very unhappy.”
“Oh.” Elizabeth held up her hand. “I am only determined to think about the past as it brings me pleasure. And that will not. And Iassureyou that I did not allow myself to become miserable. I look at the world as too much of a joke, I never failed to think of myself as a little ridiculous.”
“I do not know ifthatis the way I wished you to comfort yourself,” Darcy replied, with a little frown.
“You must accept me as I am — but you had some excuse for not always being miserable yourself, as you were absorbed with your sister.”
“I hope…” Darcy drew in a breath. It seemed from his manner that the subject of his sister was one that he still worried upon. “I know that you are not one of those persons who hold me blameworthy for not wholly casting her off.”
“I am determined,” Elizabeth replied, “to adore her.”
“And you do not hold me deeply blameworthy for not having prevented the whole affair?”
Elizabeth thought for a second, wondering how to say what she wished to. Then she shrugged. “You are less anguished and filled with guilt by far than I anticipated upon hearing the tale.”
They continued their walk, following behind Emily and Nell for several minutes. When Elizabeth began to speak again Darcy raised a hand. “Permit me to marshal my thoughts.
“The matter is one of scandal and poor judgement, but the worst consequences were avoided.” He said seriously, “Her motives were not immoral. And as she had been taught, she refused to permit Mr. Wickham liberties until they had concluded their marriage. Wickham had preyed on her affection, her sympathy for the difficulties of his situation, and he had convinced her that we had wholly made peace.”
“That does not explain why you are not angry at yourself for allowing even that much to happen.”
“I did not forget that at all points I acted from good motives and decent information. I have learned a lesson. I will never grant Emily an independent establishment at fifteen. But,” Darcy shrugged, “occasionally heiresses are the victims of fortune hunters. What I think you ask is why I do not judge myself harshly, in the way I have about aspects of my marriage to Anne. The chief difference then is that I was angry that I could not make myself be different than I am — I judged my own character.”
“Ah, all is clear.”
“Do you see through wholly now?” Darcy asked, his eyes warm on hers. “I fear you shall grow bored quickly if I can be understood so simply.”
