I forced myself to inhale and exhale slowly. “I know I’ve done that and I’m sorry. I’m going to try to do better.”
“You still don’t get it,” Theo said with a frustrated laugh, his thumb tracing over Cate’s arm. “We’re not here because we want an apology. You didn’t do anything wrong. We want you to realize that you deserve to be happy.”
“I know that,” my voice quavered unconvincingly.
Mom’s eyes turned down. “Do you?”
I cleared my throat. “Okay. I’m working on it.”
“What happened between you and Lorne?” Dad asked. “The girl we saw in Hawaii was our Charlie. Full of fire and determination and ready to fight the world for what she thought was right.”
“And why, until today, wouldn’t you look me in the eye?” Mom asked.
The nurse poked her head in. “Visiting hours are over.”
“We’re not quite done here,” Mom said brusquely, eyes alight. Mom never got hot unless she felt strongly about something. “We will send them out as soon as we’re finished.” Then, softer, she said, “Thank you.”
The nurse nodded and shut the door behind her.
“Now.” Mom swung that fire on me. “Quit hedging. We are going to have a come-to-Jesus right here, right now, Charlotte Elise. Even if that means we’re here till two a.m.” The nurse would lose her mind. Maybe call security. But the gleam in Mom’s eyes said she did not care. “Answer the question, please. Why wouldn’t you look at me?” Maybe if she hadn’t sounded like I’d mortally wounded her, I would’ve lied. But I couldn’t hurt her anymore.
I squeezed my eyes shut, on the verge of hyperventilating. Theo shifted on the couch and wound his arm around me, letting me know I had an ally. At least for the moment. It gave me the strength I needed.
I opened my eyes, looked right at Mom so she’d see I wasn’t going to avoid her anymore, and barreled in. “Because I know Trevor hurt you, a lot, and ever since I found out, I can’t shake it. And even if it’s not rational, I don’t know how you can stand to look at me because I’m part of that hurt. I’m a result of that hurt and therefore, looking at me is perpetuating even more pain for you.”
Mom’s resolve crumpled, a look of horror taking its place.
“Why?” Theo asked. “That’s not what I think about myself and I’m a product of rape too. We are not Trevor’s choices.”
“I know. In theory, I know. But in here…” I stabbed at my chest. “I…I’m still struggling.”
Mom still hadn’t gotten hold of her face. “Oh, baby, no. It isnothinglike that.” Her hands pressed against her heart. “Maybe it would be for some people. But you know what it was like for me? You and Theo gave me a reason to get out of bed every day. A reason to keep going.” A tear slipped out and she quickly wiped it away. “Did I want to have kids that way? Or that young? No. I would have liked to make that choice. But you gave me a purpose and…” She smiled. “Being your mom made mesohappy.”
“You know what your Mom told me when she confessed that you and Theo were her kids?” Dad asked. “She said that the minute the doctor put you in her arms, as unconventional as your conception was, she knew that you were meant to be a part of her family. She felt that to her core.”
Mom nodded. “During my darkest hours, you and Theo were little rays of sunshine. How could I be unhappy with you two right there reminding me that even in the worst situation, God had given me two amazing miracles.”
“Mom.” My fingers balled into fists. “I’m not a miracle.”
“Yeah, you are.” Ashton chuckled bitterly. “When your mom finally let me love her, my life went from sad, depressing, and lonely, to boom!” He pounded a fist against his thigh. “Insta-family.” His expression shifted from bright to melancholy. His thumb brushed over Mom’s wedding band. “When you all disappeared right after the wedding, I didn’t just mourn her. I mourned you and Theo too. I missedyouso much.” His deep voice cracked with emotion. “I’d gotten my heart set on all of you.”
It still wrecked me, remembering the night witness protection swooped in and made us leave our big, brand new Dupree family. Mom, Theo, and I had been devastated. But Ashton’s devastation was equal if not greater than ours. He had no idea where we were or if he’d ever see us again.
My gaze drifted to his shoulder where the faint scar of a gunshot wound stood as a monument to my mom’s tenacity. She’d slipped away in the night and gone back for him, against everything WITSEC had ingrained in her. She couldn’t live without him. And they both almost died because of it. But we were together from that day on.
I nodded at Dad. “But you said it. I’m not the same person that I was. I’m nobody’s ray of sunshine. No miracle.”
“You are,” Mom said.
“You are,” Dad echoed.
“You are,” Theo finished.
There I went, crying again.
Mom smiled through her tears. “And we’re going to keep telling you that until you believe it.”
“And.” Dad’s jaw pulsed. “You deserve to be loved.”
