Then, and only then, did I look around. Every Dupree and Bishop was staring at me with varying degrees of empathy. They knew. There was no acting involved in what just happened.
It was all heartbreakingly real.
seventeen
Charlie
As I crossed the footbridge onto Clean Slate Ranch, my shorts finally stopped dripping onto my thighs.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I hissed at myself. Why had I thought I could film something like that and Cash wouldn’t see my legs? Because I was blinded by the almighty dollar sign. That’s why.
Hearing Cash sayallof his songs were about me? Having him kiss me like that? My mind had run wild—thinking foolish notions about things like a wedding dress, a farmhouse, and babies. But when he said I was perfect? That’s when reality slapped me across the face.
None of those were in the cards for me. Not with someone as high-quality as Cash.
I jogged up the hill, hoping to pass my parents’ house unnoticed.
No such luck.
“Charlie?” Mom called, ousting herself from her rocking chair on the front porch of the oversized cottage I grew up in. It was evident from her tone that she’d been expecting my arrival.
I slowed to a walk.
She waddled down the stairs. “Hey, are you okay? Your dad texted.”
“I’m fine.” I pasted on a smile, waved her back, and kept going. I did not need this right now.
“Charlie, s-stop!” she cried, out of breath.
My fingers balled into fists but I did as she asked. “Mom, I just want to go home and take all of this off.” I gestured at my shorts which were chafing my thighs like crazy. “I think I have a splinter in my big toe.”
“Sweetie, come here.” She walked over and pulled me close, but her big belly wouldn’t allow for a decent hug. “Hey. Look at me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, gathering my resolve. Then I opened them.
Her expression was full of pity. “You’re cutting yourself?”
I glanced over her shoulder, focusing on the Japanese maple at the side of the house. “Not anymore.”
“But you did? In the past?”
“Mom?” My voice shook. “Can we do this another time? I’m really not up for the Spanish Inquisition right now.” I wasn’t being fair. I knew that. But I was at my max.
Emotion rippled through her features, sharp and unspoken. “Please, come home. You need our love. We’ve got your room all ready. Jane and I bought new bedding. All pastels, your favorite. We just want to spend time with you.”
I stepped back. “I…I need some space.”
“Space?” she whispered like it hurt to say the word. “What do you think the last four years have been? Do you have any idea how much we’ve missed you? How muchI’vemissed you?”
It felt like something invisible was squeezing the air out of me. I needed to go. Needed to think. I hardened my expression. “Why? You’ve made a whole family of replacements.”
She flinched at my accusation. “Is that what you think?”
Way past my breaking point, I snapped. “You want to know what I think?” Her eyes were unsure. But it looked like it was a day for breaking hearts, so why not add another to the list? “I think you ‘love me.’” I made air quotes. “Because you have to. Because I’m your kid and it’s your responsibility. Because you’ve told yourself that being a mom means never giving up on people. But you should give up on me. I’mbad,” I hissed. “I’m a bad person with bad blood running through my veins. I’m not worth loving. So I give you permission to stop. You don’t need to try to love me anymore. Go love all your other kids. They won’t let you down the way I have.” I shrugged. “Letting people down is my specialty."
The softness drained from her face, leaving steel behind. “Bad blood? Is that really what you think?”
“No.” I jabbed a finger at the ground. “It’s what Iknow. My dad—myrealdad—was a rapist! I don’t know how you can stand to look at me. I can hardly stand to look at myself becausehe’sall I see.” My voice was half-maniacal and one hundred percent out of control. “I look like him.”
