“I didn’t realize my life was going to be this fucked up.” Aldridge’s jaw clenched; it was clear he wanted to object. “Don’t speak. I just thought I’d be further ahead at this point. I’m not happy …” I covered my eyes with my hands. “God, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” My attention was drawn to a couple across the way who appeared lost in love. I barely remembered what that felt like. “I’m not happy with the choices I’ve made. I feel like my feet are in quicksand and when I make the slightest movement, I just sink further.
“I know objectively someone looking in would envy my life. I own a business, I drive a nice car. I have beautiful hair and a wardrobe most women and some men would kill for. But I feel like I’m wasting my potential. I don’t want to be the pretty, cool girl. I want to be a boss bitch who grabs her dreams by the fucking balls and just clamps down on it.” I made my hands look like claws to drive home my point. “You know just … ugh.”
I couldn’t have these types of conversations with Anika. She was too easily distracted and would just tell me I was being ridiculous and put on her bad bitch playlist as a rallying cry. “Say something.”
“You told me not to speak, dear.”
“Yeah, but I’m over here pouring my heart out and you’re giving me radio silence.” I tapped on a pretend microphone. Bueller, Bueller?”
“I … understand … where you’re coming from.”
“How could you?”
“You don’t think I feel inadequate?”
“No … you’re Aldridge Fucking Mosley. You are a big fucking deal. You have endorsements with Nike and Powerade.”
“And Lexus.”
In spite of my mood, I couldn’t help but giggle. “You just had to slip that in there.”
“Just want the record to be accurate.”
“You’re proving my point. You have everything you could ever want.”
“Danessa, I don’t think you realize how difficult these past few years in the NBA have been for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nice try but we’re talking about your problems not mine.”
“I know what my problem is, it’s me.”
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re twenty-six, that’s young. Do you know our frontal lobe may not even be fully developed yet?”
Rubbing my head I said, “I didn’t know that.”
“So how are you going to be hard on yourself when you most likely still have a hole in your head?”
“Well, when you put it that way.”
“Our twenties are for figuring shit out. If you don’t like the path you’re on, pivot. You are not stuck, you’re paralyzed, there’s a difference. Get out of your fucking head and stop comparing yourself to others. You do not want what Anika has because those two are going to end up in jail or in front of a judge.”
“Don’t jinx it.”
“You were the one who was saying what a horrible idea it was.”
“Yes, but I don’t want to put any bad juju on it.”
“Danessa you own a company you built from the ground up. Not many people can do that.”
“Yes, all true but I just saw myself someplace else at this age.”
“What did you think you were going to solve? World hunger?”
“I had a plan.”
“Mmm, yes your plan.”
