“No, erm … I get it. I totally understand.” He encased his arms around his body and took several steps back. The chasm between us growing wider.
“Don’t do that, don’t withdraw.” Making my way back over to him, I rested my hands on his arms. “Please, I’m listening. This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I love you, Aldridge. I just need to understand.”
Before tonight, I’d only ever witnessed Aldridge cry two times. The day his dad came to family weekend on campus drunk and embarrassed himself, calling Aldridge a disappointment and me a gold digger. And the night he was drafted. I think that was the first time he actually breathed all four years, because the pressure placed upon him was so great.
“I felt alone and lost, and the drugs made me feel lost in a different way.” He pushed a tear away with his thumb before going silent. It was brief, but if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was back in that lonely space. “Anyway, eventually it got bad, and I decided to go to rehab in the off season, and I’ve been working to stay clean ever since.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because of the way you’re looking at me right now.” Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.
I made an attempt to fix my face, plastering on a smile, but that felt wrong. Words escaped me, each answer just spurred a new question. Burying my head into his chest, I let go and sobbed against him. I knew my response was disappointing and that made me cry harder. Aldridge held me tight, and I could feel his body shake against mine.
I blew out a long breath. “Why the shower?”
“I just needed to shock my senses, and it was either punching a wall or hop into a cold shower. Pete said?—”
Lifting my head, I looked at him. “I’m sorry who’s Pete?”
“He’s my sponsor.” My brain started making connections. He’d come in here to call his sponsor, that made sense. “Pete helped me process my feelings and accept that using right now would make everything ten times worse. I knew that of course, but sometimes when you’re in it it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. He also told me if you were going to be a fixture in my life then I’d have to let you in on this part of it.”
“I want that. I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that stuff with me. And I’m here to support you in any way you need. You don’t have to do this alone.” I rubbed his back while he still held me in a secure embrace.
“Yep, I was just afraid of losing you.”
“Because of this?”
“Yeah, like you said, it’s a lot.”
“I did say that, but collectively and independently we’ve navigated through all types of shit. And will find our way through this too.”
“This is not something we get through, baby. This will always be there, and I need you to understand that. Because loving an addict, even a recovering one, is not for the weak of heart. So, if you want to tap out, I totally understand.”
“Aldi, I’m not tapping out and I’m not leaving you. Fucking look at me.” His eyes reluctantly met mine. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you needed space to process everything.”
“We’ve had enough space. I hope you’ll add me to the roster of people who you can call and vent to when like … you … think?—”
“Using. You can say the word.”
“I don’t want to trigger you or say the wrong thing.”
“It helps to be honest. Call it what it is. I’m an addict.” Aldridge scrubbed his face. “Be real, how much am I scaring you right now?”
“I’m not scared.”
He raised a dubious eyebrow.
“I mean I am but not for the reasons you think. You being okay is important to me. And sometimes I think you take on too much and I just want to be able to lighten your load. You don’t have to always have it all figured out. And when you’re struggling, and you feel vulnerable, I want to be your soft place to land. Your judgment free soft place. I want you to know there is nothing you could do or say to make me stop loving you. Because not even time or distance could do that. So no, you’re not scary to me. I’m actually really tough. I once fought off a guy who was trying to grab my purse. I kicked him in the nuts and then slammed my palm into his nose, breaking it.”
“You are so brave.”
“So brave.” We both shared a much-needed laugh.
“I’m sorry to dump all this on you.”
“I’m just happy you finally let me in. You know if you want, we can find the nearest NA meeting. I mean it’s only seven o’clock I’m sure we could find something.”
