Small families were the worst. My parents weren’t originally from Minnesota, both moved to the city for separate reasons. Once there, collectively they decided to stay and start a family. But that meant it was just the four of us for the longest time. All our relatives lived in other states. So conversations like this one with Kris’s family were both entertaining and a bit overwhelming.
Everyone in his family had a big personality and a story they wanted to share about a summer barbecue, family reunion, or cousin’s sleepover at Grandma’s house. None of which I could relate to. I had three cousins and the last time we all got together it was like being in a room with complete strangers who made absolutely zero effort to look up from their phones and engage with me.
Being surrounded by so much love made the gaping hole in my chest ache with longing. I didn’t have much, but I would give it all just to have one last Christmas with my parents. To go back to a time when anything was possible. When life held less consequences. I’d prefer a simpler existence, but I was forced to sign do not resuscitate forms for my dad and create a will so Celeste would be taken care of in the event anything ever happened to me.
Maybe it was jet lag or the rich meats and sauces, but everything felt cattywampus. It was as if the room was askew. Or maybe it was the other way around, the room was perfectly symmetrical and I was the one tipping over. The pounding of my heart was drowning out the laughter and loud voices. My palms felt cold and clammy, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to throw up or scream at the top of my lungs. Sometimes when words failed me, all that helped was to belt out a scream. It was like my reset button when life veered out of my control.
Luckily, I didn’t release a bloodcurdling scream, but I fear my reaction was far worse. A deep sob crawled out of my throat, causing my entire being to shake uncontrollably.
“Belen, are you okay?” Celeste asked.
“I’m fine,” I sobbed. “It’s fine. Everything is fine.”
“Sweetie, you’re crying,” Kris’s mom noted.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know what’s happening.”
Kris ran his hand along my back. “It’s okay, sometimes we just have to cry.”
“I’m ruining dinner. I’m ruining Christmas Eve.”
“Actually, you’re making it ten times more interesting,” Matthew said, before being hit by Rayna. “What?”
“I’m not good with holidays.” I pushed my chair from the table, searching for the exit. Opening a door I hoped would transport me far away, only to find an overstuffed closet, I cried harder. “I don’t know where the bathroom is.”
Kris rescued me, leading me out of the room and to a nearby half bath that was tight and kind of claustrophobic with us two inside. I fell into his arms and cried. There were two types of rain, the soft warm rain you danced in and the cold hard rain you ran to escape. This sob session was a hard rain. I wish I could disappear, but there was no place for me to hide. These tearshad been stored up for years and all at once they were trying to escape.
For his part, Kris just held me close as the storm hovered before slowly beginning to pass.
Crying was so wildly embarrassing, especially when you were unable to control it. I wished I could travel back in time about fifteen minutes. One moment I was laughing about a pet squirrel named Curly and the next I was submerged in water works. Way to make a first impression, confirming you’re damaged goods to your boyfriend’s entire family.
“I’m sorry. Your family probably thinks I’m a weirdo.”
“Oh they thought that the minute they found out you were willingly dating me,” he teased, handing me a wad of toilet paper.
“I’m so stupid.” I wiped at my runny nose.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
A quick no jerked my head, but my lips betrayed me, unpacking all my trauma. “I just miss my parents. You have this amazing family and a lifetime of memories, and I didn’t have that. I feel robbed.” Fresh tears hung from my lids. “This time of year has always sucked. And I just wish they were here. And I don’t know what I’m doing with Celeste. I don’t know if I’m making the best choices for her. I want her to be happy and independent, I do. But I’m just scared because she’s all I have and I can’t lose her too.”
Kris leaned against the sink as I paced forward four steps just to turn around and pace across the tiny space again.
“And now I’m ruining Christmas and probably scaring you away.”
“I don’t scare easily.”
I stopped and faced a corner so Kris couldn’t see my tear-stained face. Crying wasn’t going to fix anything; in fact, it was probably making everything worse.What are you doing?You met a nice guy, who likes you so much he flies you to another country to meet his family and you do this.“I’m just tired, maybe jet lagged.” I did my best to dismiss my emotional breakdown.
“Tell me what you need. Do you want to leave?”
“And be the bitch who pulled you away from your family on Christmas Eve. No absolutely not.”
“If this is too much for you, we could find a hotel and try again tomorrow.”
I sucked in the last of my tears turning to face him. “It’s Christmas Eve, finding a hotel would be damn near impossible and that’s not what I want.” I didn’t expect Kris to fix this. He couldn’t. These were my issues and I needed to work through them on my own.
“To be fair Ottawa is not really a getaway destination during the holidays. If you want to leave, I’m sure I can find us someplace else to stay.”
