I swallow the lump that’s built up in my throat, continuing to cook so that I don’t have to meet his devastating eyes. Thinking of my future always makes me anxious, because I feel like I’m stuck in the moment. I feel like I can’t decide what I want. “Everyone around me has already found a job or started their master’s.” I shake my head. “Sorry. We don’t have to—”
“Alara,” he cuts in. “I love the sound of your voice. I love learning about you. You can tell me anything.”
If he notices the goosebumps rising on my arms, he doesn’t say anything. I smile, glad that some strands of hair have fallenout of my bun and are concealing my burning cheeks. “Thank you. It’s just that I feel like I’m doing something wrong. How come I don’t know what I want in life?”
“Because you want to find a job that’s fulfilling and makes you happy. You want to take your time. Don’t let someone else’s journey ruin this for you. Areyouokay with what you’re doing now? Living here and helping your folks at Rock Snow?”
I nod.
Then, gently, the side of his forefinger tips my chin up and tilts it to the side, obliging me to look into his amber eyes. I feel my heartbeat picking up its pace. “Is your lifestyle satisfying enough for now?”
“Yes, it is,” I breathe out.
“Then don’t worry about the people around you. While you’re figuring yourself out, they might be miserable with their career choice. Or maybe they love it, and that’s good for them. But that doesn’t mean you should feel guilty or upset because you’re taking a break. There’s nothing wrong with focusing on yourself, even if it’s for an indeterminate time. You’re a smart woman. You’ll work this out.”
I nod at his words and turn back to my sauce, the feel of his featherlight touch lingering under my chin. “I needed to hear that.” This is the kind of support I’ve been yearning for, just understanding, uplifting, soothing words.
Diego doesn’t say anything for a beat, but I’ve found myself enjoying his silence. It’s peaceful and non-judgmental and comforting. “I wish I’d gone to college,” he states quietly, after emptying his glass. “To have a plan B, you know.”
I turn off the stove and take out two plates from the cabinet. “You’ve always seen yourself snowboarding until you have to retire?”
“Yeah. It’s really the only thing I’ve ever been passionate about.”
My lips tilt upward. “I can see that. Your eyes light up when you talk about it. But you’ll be able to compete again. I know it’s not ideal to be here, stuck in a place where there’s nothing else to do except ski and snowboard in the winter, but maybe you also need to disconnect and take care of yourself in a different way.” He cocks his head to the side, and I continue. “You’ve always been high on adrenaline and fueling your life by riding, but maybe you just need to slow down and take a breather. Taking a break won’t take away your talent and all the medals you already won.”
I can see that he’s slightly surprised from the way he gazes at me and stays silent while contemplating my words. He sits on the barstool to my right, our arms pressed together as though there isn’t enough space in my kitchen.
Twirling the thick spaghetti around his fork, he thanks me for cooking, then takes a bite. An instant, guttural moan rumbles in his chest, causing me to press my thighs together. “My God,” he whisper-groans, taking another bite of thecacio e pepe. “You are a woman after my own heart, Alara.”
I find myself smiling for the hundredth time today. As I absently stare at my twirled pasta with the deafening sound of my thrumming heart overpowering the music, I can’t help but think that Diego and I are teetering on the precipice of something dangerous – something romantic.
I don’t want to admit it.
I don’t want to let it happen.
But, at the same time, I wonder what would happen if I let myself fall.
CHAPTER TEN
DIEGO
Another week goes by in a blur, and I hate to admit that I’m starting to enjoy working at Rock Snow and assisting Alara with the lessons. I also hate to admit that helping with her social media content creation is fun. I don’t know how she does it, but she manages to turn a silly moment as we film into one filled with laughter and sometimes even one where tears threaten to escape my eyes.
I’m desperate for the ache in my body to vanish, and every day becomes harder and harder to live without snowboarding.
Every moment I spend away from home – which is the place where, despite being with my family, I’m reminded of all the pressure weighing down on my shoulders – is a good distraction. Every moment I spend with Alara feels like a balm to a wound, which is often, considering we’re constantly in each other’s company. There’s something about her that draws me in. Perhaps it’s the way she lights up a room whenever she walks into one, like she’s sunshine incarnate.
Dr Ellis is as optimistic as he can be. In addition to my weekly sessions with him, I try to include two at-home workouts to keep myself moving. The urge to scratch an itch is still there, though.I can’t even count the amount of times I wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night, panting and on the cusp of heading off to the resort to ride. Every time I almost break my promise to Coach, I get a grip and inwardly pat myself on the back for not being a reckless motherfucker.
Honestly, he’d be proud of me.
He doesn’t even understand the amount of strength it takes to abstain myself from sayingfuck itand disobey him. It’s like puttingtres lechesin front of me the day I decide to go on a diet.
“Don’t you love Christmas in this town?” Gaby asks wistfully, as she walks by my side. We’re headed to the resort, where the snowboarding amateur competition is taking place. Jordan is strolling behind us, glued to his phone as always, but his sister is nowhere to be seen.
I wanted to take the car because the walk from home to the resort is quite long, but when Gaby mentioned we’d be hanging out at the Christmas market afterward and thatparking is a bitch on Friday nights,I sighed loudly and said okay.
But I’m seeing the bright side now: taking a long walk is good for my knee. I need to stimulate it without worsening the injury, or whatever it is that Dr Ellis told me this morning.
