I nod, a little miserably, because, even though I know my agent would advise me to do it, I strongly doubt that I’m going to enjoy whatever’s in store for us. ‘Yay, yes. Exciting!’
Jake shoots me an if-looks-could-kill glare, which immediately cheers me up.
‘So. We have a legal contract.’ Sonja’s voice is suddenly steely.
Jake lifts a lawyerly eyebrow and Sonja says, ‘We have witnesses.’ She points at the table nearest to the bar, and the two people there both wave at us. Jake and I both gasp. ‘We all know what happens when things go viral. I wouldn’t like to think what would happen to your reputations if the nation thought you’d reneged. Jake, I’ll let Laura know how much I like you. Freya, I’ll sign that autograph in a minute.’
‘Yeah, I might be too busy to join in.’ Jake’s lips have gone very straight and a muscle is twitching in his jaw area.
‘Mr Stone,’ I say, just because I can’t resist. ‘Are youscared?’
‘Of…?’ he asks, and I realise, because he did this during the interview too, that this is a thing he does. Encourages you to finish your own sentence and often land yourself in a quagmire.
‘Of losing,’ I say, not – I am pleased to say – in any kind of a quagmire. I’m beginning to feel like I don’t really mind if we do the challenge or not. The downside would be having to speak to Jake again. The upside would be more publicity. And beating him.
And I doknowthat I will win. I’ve lived through every romance trope under the sun and it just isn’t happening for me. I used to be a hopeless romantic but now I know better. It’s probably something about me, if I’m honest. My parents got divorced when I was twelve. There was no amicable conscious uncoupling; it was full-on hatred (which persisted beyond my father’s funeral); and they both had several further disastrous relationships before ending up alone. I feel like it’s a geneticthing, like I’m notcapableof a happy romantic relationship. I’m not lovable and I don’t fall in love with people properly either.
And I’m pretty sure that I can convince Jake that romance isn’t for him. My mind’s already whirring with the possibilities of all the awful dates I can set him up on. I can go through every single trope for him (can I actually organise an enemies-to-lovers snow-in for him? Hmm) and then he’ll have to admit defeat.
It would be a lot of effort, though. Practically speaking, it would be a lot easier to walk away and never see this man again and say goodbye to the extra publicity.
‘I think you’re going to have to do it,’ says Sonja. ‘Because if you don’t, it might become known who pulled out, and why.’
‘I won’t pull out,’ I rush to say (pathetically, I know, but threats do scare me, and I’m worried that my pulling out would go down badly with my readers).
‘Outrageous,’ says Jake.
Sonja smiles at him.
He glares at both of us and then, after a very long pause, says, ‘Well, fun times. When do we start?’
‘We need some rules first.’ Sonja takes her phone out of her bag and consults it. ‘Here we go. To clarify: Freya, your task is to prove to Jake that he’s never going to find lasting love.’ She ignores my audible choke at how mean that sounds. ‘And Jake, your task is to prove to Freya that sheisgoing to find love. To further clarify: you do both have to join in, in good faith. We considered sending cameras with you on each date, but we don’t want this to look too much like reality TV, so you’re going to take selfie videos during the dates and send them over, and we’ll do ninety-second montages once or twice a week on the show to keep viewers up to date with how things are going. We’ll send written instructions but basically we’ll need to see footage of thevenue, footage of you and your date, if they consent, otherwise just you, and a debrief from you afterwards.’
She finally pauses for breath, while we both stare at her, speechless, before continuing, ‘Now, prizes. Freya, if you win, Jake will spend a weekend on a learn-to-write-romance course. He will then come back on the show to read us his romantic short story. Jake, if you win, Freya will spend a weekend on a love-therapy-for-singles course. She will then come back on the show to tell us what she’s learnt. If it’s a draw, you spend a weekend together on a team-building weekend to try to overcome the mutual antipathy the nation has seen you fall into. There might be camera crews involved on the final weekend.’
She smiles at us while we both continue to stare slightly open-mouthed at her, before continuing, ‘The production team and I have discussed and we think the best way is for you to spend one evening a week on this. You take it in turns to set the other up on a date or do whatever it takes to prove your point. And you do both have to be honest.’
She looks me hard in the eye, and I nod, feeling about six years old. Then she switches her gimlet gaze to Jake, who also nods.
‘Wonderful, then.’ Sonja slaps her card on top of the bar, signals to the bartender, downs the rest of her glass, refills it, waves her card over the paying machine, and downs her second glass, all in the space of about a minute and a half. ‘Excellent.’ She slides off her bar stool. ‘Enjoy your evening. I’ll be checking in with you regularly.’
And off she goes. Leaving me to realise just after she’s disappeared out of the door in a lilac whirl that I still don’t have the autograph. Well, next time.
I can’t actually believe that two grown adults have just been manoeuvred into accepting a ridiculous challenge. It’s such a bizarre turn of events.
At least I know I’m going to win. There is no possibility that anyone can convince me there’s romance out there for me.
6
JAKE
‘Well, fuck me,’ I say eventually.
‘No, thank you,’ says Freya extremely politely, which to my surprise makes me smile.
Freya doesn’t smile; she just rolls her eyes slightly.
We sit there in silence for a long beat, and then Freya says, ‘So. Taking it in turns. We should decide who gets to go first in choosing the date.’
