This felt like when her grandmother had died. She’d become so distant and he just hadn’t been able to overcome the walls she’d erected around herself. Probably partly because he’d never been around. Like he still wasn’t. Realistically, things really weren’t ever going to work out between them if they could only manage what was effectively a long-distance relationship.
Back in London the next evening, he retrieved Elmer from Cynthia in the next-door ground floor flat and sank onto his sofa. A dog hug would be great right now. He should actually get another dog. One he didn’t have to share the custody of. Maybe two so that the new dog wouldn’t be bereft when Elmer came and went.
His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket, his heart rate literally up just at the sound of it. Hopefully it was Lily replying to one of the many (too many?) texts he’d sent asking if she was okay. Nope. It was his friend and work partner Ade wanting to know if he was up for a pub lunch tomorrow. Ade’s local did amazing Sunday roasts.
He didn’t want to have lunch with Ade tomorrow. He wanted to see Lily, and talk, and comfort her and hold her and be with her. Apparently not what she wanted, though.
God, he hoped something terrible hadn’t happened to her father. Maybe that was why she hadn’t been replying to him. He was going to call her. Maybe Lily would pick up a call where she wouldn’t text. During the rest of his stay in Edinburgh and on the journey home he hadn’t had time for an actual call, only messages. Which in itself told a story that maybe he should listen to.
And she did pick up.
‘Hi, Matt.’ It was ridiculously good to hear her voice again.
‘Hey. How are you doing? How’s your dad?’
‘He’s hopefully going to be okay. We’re waiting to hear. How was your trip?’
‘Yeah, good, thanks. The usual. Would you like me to come over? Or you’d be very welcome to come here?’
‘Thank you so much. I might just get an early night. Matt…’ She paused.
Matt waited. He was pretty sure from the tone of her voice that she wasn’t going to say anything that he wanted to hear. Or maybe he did want to hear it. Get confirmation. Maybe some closure.
‘I think this was a holiday romance,’ she said. ‘I don’t think it’s going to work out now. You know. Work. Travel. Never in the same place for that long. Not enough time to talk properly, basically.’
‘I think we could make time.’ Turned out he really hadn’t wanted to hear it and it didn’t feel like he could ever get closure on his relationship with Lily. ‘We just need to recognise the issue and make the time.’
‘I’m really not sure.’
‘Could we meet tomorrow, just for an hour or two? Maybe for a walk or at a pub?’ Somewhere neutral. ‘If you like? Just, I just…’ He couldn’t get the right words out. ‘I know the most important thing for you right now must be your dad but I feel that, for both of us, what happened between us in Greece was huge. I’d love the opportunity to see you just one more time. If you feel able to do that. Please?’ Pleading. Pathetic. He felt pathetic, though.
‘Okay, maybe. But I’m working tomorrow. I’ll call you.’ It sounded like a tear had caught in her voice. Yeah, he was crying too. Of course she wasn’t going to call him.
‘Great. I’ll look forward to hearing from you. I hope work goes well.’ Pretty impressive that he’d got any words out. He pressed the red button on his phone hard and placed the phone very deliberately down on the table next to him, and Elmer whacked him in the face with his tail.
‘Yeah. I’ll take you for a walk. Come on.’ It felt like a real effort to stand up.
‘Thanks, mate.’ Matt raised the glass of beer that Ade had just put down on the table in front of him. ‘Cheers.’ Sunday lunchtime after a miserable Saturday night and he was really regretting having made the decision to meet Ade for lunch on the basis that wallowing alone wasn’t a good thing to do. He did want to wallow right now. And he wanted to do it alone.
‘So how was the wedding? Haven’t seen you since then.’
‘Yeah, it was great.’
Ade peered at him. ‘Mate, you alright?’
‘Yeah, all good.’
‘Sure? You look… I dunno? Rough?’ This was the disadvantage of having known someone since uni. They knew you too well and they sensed when you were miserable and they asked if you were okay but sometimes you didn’t want to talk about stuff. Especially when there was so much background to fill them in on. Actually, mainly because of the background filling-in. He wouldn’t actually mind telling Ade how shit he felt right now if it wouldn’t mean so much in the way of explanations.
Yeah, when he thought about it, that was exactly what was wrong between him and Lily, wasn’t it? They just hadn’t ever spent enough time together. So they’d always needed explanations when they were going through big stuff.
God, he was an idiot. Seriously, what the hell hadeverbeen wrong with him, expecting Lily always to spill her heart and soul to him even when they’d barely had time to see each other.
He’d been so bloody young and immature when they’d met.
‘Matt?’ Ade said.
‘I’m feeling kind of crap actually but it’s a long story and I kind of don’t want to go into it right now. A woman.’
