‘And I should have been here to clean the gutter for you,’ he said. ‘And to get food for you if you had cravings. Or hold your hair out of your face if you had morning sickness. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here for any of those things. I’d like to be here for the rest of them if you’ll let me.’
Cassie’s eyes were fixed on James’s face. She loved his eyes, his cheekbones, his mouth, the line of his jaw. So much. She’d like to spend the rest of their lives looking at him, sharing things with him. Ofcourseshe’d like him to be here for the rest of her pregnancy. But it had to be right for him and it had to be right for the baby. Did he mean he wanted them to be together forever? Or just for now?
‘I’d like that,’ she said. Oh, God. Had that been the right thing to say? She put one of the slices of tart on a plate and pushed it across the table. ‘Here you are,’ she said. ‘Even though you don’t like most cake.’
‘I did finally eat some of Laura’s out of politeness and it was better than I’d expected. Not that sweet. Anyway—’ James shook his head ‘—not here to talk about cake.’ He stood up. ‘I have something for you. Alright if I go to the car and get it?’
Cassie nodded.
‘Okay, great,’ James said.
He was back from the car within a couple of minutes carrying some large shopping bags.
‘Please stop me at any point if you don’t want to hear what I’m about to say.’ He sat down and picked up the first bag. ‘Or if you’d like to say anything.’
Cassie shook her head.
‘Okay,’ he said. ‘So the last time we saw each other we agreed that we loved each other. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. I hope that you still love me.’
Cassie sniffed and nodded. Maybe this conversation was going in the right direction.
‘Okay,’ he said again. ‘And we agreed that our relationship had nowhere to go because I really didn’t want children and you really did. And you didn’t want to end up resenting me if we got together and we never tried to have a baby, and neither of us wanted to try for a baby together if I wasn’t enthusiastic about that.’
Cassie nodded again. His face was so serious that she wanted both to cry and to reach out and touch his cheek.
‘Yep. So I don’t really know how to convince you of this now, but I’m going to have a go. I went shopping. Myself. No concierge company involved.’ James pulled something out of the bag.
It looked like he was holding a pack of… nappies?
‘When you told me you were pregnant, I was very shocked. I was pleased for you and stunned on my own behalf, but I immediately felt that I wanted to do my best for the baby. Except I thought that my best was bound to be pretty bad, because I’m my parents’ son.’ He pulled something else out. It looked like a box of… nappy bags? ‘I spent quite a long time, too long, thinking.’ He pulled out cotton wool. ‘And demon slaying.’ He pulled out a tub of… nappy cream? And folded that now-empty shopping bag up. ‘Not to sound too ridiculously corny, but I think I’ve grown as a person.’
Cassie took a deep breath to try to steady herself. Her heart was beating insanely fast.
James picked up the next bag and took out the most gorgeous teeny tiny navy corduroy pinafore. ‘What I’m trying to say—’ he pulled out a tiny lime-green cardigan with a navy trim ‘—is that I love this baby as much as I love you. And I want this baby as much as I want to be with you.’ He pulled out tiny lime-green tights. And some pale-blue long-sleeved Babygros. Adorable. But his words were even better.
James picked up the next bag and took out a very soft-looking, ivory-coloured blanket.
‘Alpaca wool,’ he said. ‘I’ve seen newborns in movies. Babies get wrapped in blankets when you bring them home from hospital. I’d like to be there when our daughter’s born and when she comes home.’
Cassie could only smile.
‘Final bag.’ James picked the fourth one up.
Cassie loved his hands. They were strong and capable-looking, with hard, tidy nails. He pulled out a beautiful soft blue toy elephant, a classic mid-brown teddy with a bottle-green bow round its neck and a pink alpaca.
‘They’re beautiful,’ Cassie said. ‘All of it’s amazing.’Jameswas amazing. ‘When did you get all this?’
‘This morning.’
‘Wow. I had no idea that you’d have such good taste in baby gear.’
‘I know. What can I say?’ He moved closer to her. ‘The reason that I got all this stuff is that I love this baby so much and I want her so much and I want to be her father. And I’ve started to believe that I can be an okay father. I’m looking forward to trying to be a fantastic father. And I’d be incredibly honoured if you’d agree to us doing this together.’ James was holding the blue elephant very tightly and looking into Cassie’s eyes. He was smiling, but only a little bit, like he was apprehensive.
Cassie was apprehensive too. Her heart was starting to swell with hope. But what if he didn’t want them to betogethertogether? What if he just meant that he wanted to be an involved father? And if hedidwant them to betogether– could they manage that? Could James actually deal with family life? Could she deal with him not dealing with it?
‘I’m so pleased that you’re happy about the baby.’ She chose her words carefully. ‘And of course you’re going to be a fantastic father. And I’d like to try to parent together, yes.’
James was still torturing the elephant with his hands.
