‘Is it rude of me to ask how it is that a woman who lives at the end of an island in the Atlantic, which by all accounts gets several hefty dollops of snow every winter, doesn’t have the right footwear to deal with conditions on the somewhat tamer mainland?’
‘Well, that’s the point.’ Cassis clung onto James as her right foot slid on the ice. If he was honest, he was enjoying this. Lots of close contact for a very legitimate reason. ‘During the winter I don’t have a lot of opportunity to wear anything other than serious boots with serious treads, so I save my nice grip-free boots for the mainland. I just hadn’t bargained for the change in my centre of gravity due to pregnancy.’
James nodded. ‘Fair enough.’
When they were seated in the restaurant – Cassie still in one piece fortunately – and had menus, James said, ‘I have a really big question for you.’
Cassie’s head jerked up from studying the menu, her jaw somewhat dropped. Damn. It looked like she’d misinterpreted what he’d said.
‘Notreallybig,’ he said. Damn, that sounded bad too, like he thought she thought he was going to ask her to marry him or something. ‘But quite big. I wondered whether you had any ideas about names for the baby.’ Now he thought about it, he did of course want to marry Cassie. Except he couldn’t ask her, could he, because he’d messed up big time when they had the baby conversation in London. And then he’d messed up even more by not calling her for three weeks. Why had he done that? How was it okay? He’d been thinking about her and the baby pretty non-stop the whole time, but Cassie didn’t know that, did she? She probably just felt that he didn’t care.
‘I hadn’t thought of any names.’ She put the food menu and the drinks menu down on the table one on top of the other and patted their long sides together and then their short sides. All very neat and tidy. Unlike their relationship, such as it was. ‘I was feeling superstitious before the scan, so I didn’t want to think about it then. Now, though, I’m thinking that I might be investing in some baby name books.’
‘So are you thinking traditional? Out there? Jordanian? Scottish? American? Just something that takes your fancy? Do you care about the meaning of the name?’
‘I would say that I do care about the meaning of the name and I’d like a name that Ilikeand that ideally all my relatives on both sides of the family would like. So, yes, although my Arabic isbad– I mean, I speak it with exactly the same Glaswegian accent that I speak English but with a much smaller vocab – I’d like one that’s good in Arabic as well as English. What about you?’
‘Me?’ It didn’t feel like James should be making any choices here.
‘Yes, you. You’re her father.’ It sounded huge, vocalised like that.
‘I think I’d agree with you, on all counts.’
‘Okay, cool.’
‘I mean, obviously we might not agree on what’s a pretty name and what isn’t,’ James said, ‘but it should obviously be your decision.’
‘Why is that?’ Cassie was looking him right in the eye, and she wasn’t smiling. Confusing, because wasn’t he just being polite?
‘Because you’re the one growing her and that’s a lot of hard work?’
‘I’d still like you to like her name. And I’m sure she would, too.’ Still not really smiling.
‘Okay, well, great then. I’d like to like her name too.’ James felt like there was a subtext to this conversation that he really wasn’t getting. Like it symbolised some bigger stuff. Oh, okay, yep. It symbolised all the bigger stuff. ‘I’d love to help you choose it.’
‘Great.’
Luckily lunch morphed into a great experience after that, because they spent alongtime talking about girls’ names, some good suggestions, some not so good, on both sides.
By the time they were finishing their desserts, they’d laughed a lot, they had a very long longlist and an empty shortlist of names, and James was in utter despair about the fact that he loved Cassie, and their daughter, so very much but he just didn’t have the words to communicate that properly.
Maybe it was for the best. Maybe they’d be better off without him.
‘I love you,’ he blurted out, just before Dina was due to drive into the parking lot to pick Cassie up.
‘I love you too.’ Cassie’s beautiful deep brown eyes misted over.
Maybe James should say more. Maybe he shouldn’t, though. Maybe he wouldn’t be a good enough partner and father for Cassie and the baby.
Cassie broke the silence between them to say, ‘You know what? We haven’t discussed your involvement in the baby’s life. You’re welcome to be as involved as you’d like. She’sourdaughter, not just mine. And you need to understand that you aren’t either of your parents – you’reyou, just like the baby isn’t me, or you; she’s already a perfect mix of both of us, her own person. You’re totally capable of being a great father. You didn’t let Leonie down. You were her brother and you were a great brother to her. You’ll be a great father. I’m really happy that you’re my baby’s father.Ourbaby’s father.’ A couple of tears slid down her cheeks. ‘Although I do want her to read and I do not want her to watch as much football as you do.’ She smiled a lopsided, teary smile at him. ‘Or any Hitchcock films.’
James’s heart squeezed. He so much wanted to say something. But he had to get it right. And it was so hard. Having opened up to Cassie about Ella, and then to Ella herself recently, he knew now that something had closed off inside him when Leonie died, like he’d just shoved all his emotions away. He’d got better at talking. He’d been able to tell Cassie more than once how much he loved her. But this just felt huge. This wasn’t just sayingI love you. This had to be more than that. And should he even say anything when he couldn’t even work out whether or not he could be the man that she and their baby needed? And there were practical considerations too. They lived on opposite sides of the Atlantic for a start.
He did have to reply to her.
‘Thank you,’ he began.
And then there was a massive screeching of brakes behind them and Dina’s voice called out through the window of her car.
