Nigel shrugged.Yet he still did.“I remember being sad myself, but I do not think… I do not think I understood that… well, that he was gone, not truly.” Nigel ran a hand through his hair, frustrated at himself. “It wasn’t until I was older, and there were things a father should teach a son, that I really felt his loss. That I could have my own sadness.”
“Perhaps it would have been easier if he had died while I was young.” Alexander leaned against a nearby tree and slumped to the ground.
“Do not say that. I would give anything to have had these last few years with him.” Nigel felt fury course through him.You have had so much more time than I, and you will get far longer with your own family.
Alexander waved a hand in apology. “That was… poorly said. I only meant… Well… I’m not sure what I meant.”
Nigel slumped beside his friend. “I know… It does not get better. That’s the wrong word. I always think of those dark feelings after father died as this sort of giant cloud.”
“A cloud?”
“Yes. A big one. And it just… takes up all this space.” Nigel threw his arms wide to demonstrate and accidentally hit Alexander in the face. “Ah. Sorry, Rokesby!”
“S’quite all right, Maxton.” Alexander gestured for Nigel to continue.
“What was I saying? Right. Yes! That cloud! At first it takes up… everything. But over time… well… the space around the cloud, it gets bigger…” Nigel paused for breath, willing the words to form in his mind.It is like a cloud of molasses has settled over me.“And so, that pain… it becomes more bearable… It is still - hic - there, but you aren’t constantly stumbling over it or into it.”
Alexander nodded. “I would like the space to be bigger.”
“In time friend, in time.” Nigel clapped him on the shoulder.
Raucous laughter brought Nigel back to the present, and he glanced to his left, catching sight of a group of young men laughing together. The looked no older than one and twenty, and he felt a twinge of jealousy in his chest.They do not know how lucky they are.
“You have a rather black look on your face, old friend.” Alexander glanced at the youths. “Though I admit, they are being rather loud. Perhaps we should have a word with the steward.”
“I am sure we were the same at their age.” Nigel shook his head. “Besides, we were so drunk the last time we were here, I am quite convinced we caused as much of a disturbance.”
Alexander grinned. “I suspect there is more than a little truth to your words.”
Before either man could say anything more, a waiter arrived with their wine, and after testing it and deeming it adequate, Nigel dismissed him.
“What shall we drink to?” he asked, holding his glass a loft. “Old friends?”
“Old friends and growing families!” Alexander clinked his glass against Nigel’s. “And to seeing more of both!”
Nigel laughed, trying to hide the stab of pain. The truth was, as much as he loved Alexander and spending time with his friend, it had become harder for him to do so. Alexander had a loving and growing family, one that he would grow old with.Meanwhile my time grows shorter and shorter; I find it harder to be reminded of all that I will never have.
In an effort to stifle this thought, Nigel downed his wine. Alexander followed suit, and before either of them could fully understand how it had happened, they were on their fourth bottle.
Nigel blinked his eyes hard, trying to focus on Alexander’s words as they stumbled from their chairs and made their clumsy way out of the club.
“Love. Love is… it’s very nice… I want YOU to find love.” Alexander swayed as he said it and poked Nigel in the chest.
Nigel shook his head and instantly regretted it.If the world would just stop spinning, I could think.“I need a wife… I don’t have – hic - time for – hic - love.”
“Everyone has time for…” Alexander swallowed and then continued, “Everyone has time. For love.”
Nigel felt his chest tighten. “I don’t want love. I just – hic - want a life. No, a wife!”
“Very well.” Alexander attempted to look sombre briefly, but Nigel could see the grin beneath. Or at least he thought he could. “So what are you looking. For?”
Nigel stroked his chin. “I hadn’t give it much thought. Just need a li- wife. Wiiiife.”
“Issa hard word to… say.” Alexander thumped Nigel so hard on the back that Nigel almost fell over.
“It IS a hard word.” Nigel steadied himself. “I need a wife. By the end of the season!”
“What’sa rush?” Alexander looked confused. “You’re only six and twenty. Plenty of… time.”
