She nodded.“It makes sense.You were a bench warmer.At times, you were a bratty little sister.You are a grieving sister.You were passed over by the boys, your ideas were dismissed, and you were last chosen for the team.
“But they’re just roles you’ve played from time to time.
“Those roles are vignettes.But you are more than the roles you have played.You are the whole story.”
She leaned forward, her gaze intent.
“Some of these you’ve left behind as you grew up, at least on the outside.And there are things that you’ve brought with you that have made you the amazing woman you are today.But all of it is part of your story.You have to own it.And when you do, you’ll see, you’ll be able to see yourself in whatever role you want.”
She sighed.“You have a man who thinks you’ve hung the moon.And you think you’re second best?Second choice?Maybe you need to see yourself the way you are now instead of viewing yourself through the lens of your wounds.”
I sat with my eyes wide on her face, her words tumbling around in my brain.Was it possible?Was it possible I saw myself a certain way and assumed everyone else did as well?
“Dad and I, we see you.You’re poised on the edge of something beautiful.And we’re worried you’re not going to allow yourself to have it.For the love of God, Harley, why?”
My lips turned to wood.
I had the strangest sense I’d been in this exact place before, poised on the edge of a moment that had the potential to shatter everything.
As the truth was wont to do.
“Hunter texted me the day he died.”
Mom visibly jerked in her chair; her attention riveted to my face.
I closed my eyes briefly.She was going to hate me.
“He told me he was on his way to Mistlevale for supplies and asked if I wanted him to pick me up.”My lips trembled.I stared over her shoulder, unable to meet her eyes.“We were supposed to go together.I ignored his text because I was having a good time with Noelle.”
Tears streamed down my face.
“That’s why,” she breathed.“That’s the reason—”
“—he died.Yes,” I sobbed.
“No!No, Harley!”She stood up and whipped around the side of my desk and fell to her knees beside my chair.“That’s the reason you hold yourself back from everything good.Honey, baby, it wasn’t your fault.”
I covered my face with my hands, my voice thick and wet with tears and snot and saliva.“If I had been there—”
She gripped me around my shoulders and crushed me in her arms.“If you had been there, I might have lost you both.If I hadn’t asked you to go for supplies.If Hawk and Hunter didn’t have an argument.If, if, if.There are thousand possible ifs but only one outcome and that is the one we are living.Harley!Don’t let your life pass you by because Hunter lost his!He’d hate that for you!”
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on her shoulder.Her narrow shoulder that carried every one of us.
“I just wish I’d been with him.If I could turn back the clock…”
She tangled her hand through my hair to grasp the back of my neck.“I can tell you with 100% certainty,” she said, her voice thick, “that your brother is doubly glad you didn’t go with him that day.”
I bit my lip and shook my head against her shoulder.“If I went, the timing would have been off.He wouldn’t have reached the crossroad when that truck came through.He would have missed it, and we’d still have him.If I hadn’t been wrapped up in myself, he’d still be here.”
“You can’t know that,” she soothed, her voice hitching.“And you can’t think like that.Otherwise, where does it end?If I hadn’t asked you guys to go to Mistlevale to get the tablecloths.If Dad had picked up the right ones the day before.If we never opened the resort in the first place, if, if, if.Harley, ‘if’ is the black hole.‘If’ is the dark place.You can’t live there.”
She swayed slightly on her knees, rocking me back and forth.“You need to let this go.You’re not honoring his life by stifling yours.”
37
Wanna Go For a Spin?
Idugmyhandintomy pocket to feel for my treasures, filled with an immediate sense of relief as my fingertips brushed Daire’s sea glass before closing around Hunter’s key.
