Victoria frowned, confused. “Then what is the point of my going?”
Henrietta sighed. “Do you really need a reason? Would it not be nice just to spend one night as a lady again? Wear a fine dress? Dance with handsome gentlemen?”
Victoria had to admit, it was a very tempting idea. It had been so long since she had been to a ball. She had always loved them…
However, that was not who she was anymore. Even disguised, she might be recognized by someone familiar with Emily and the family. Plus, when Victoria thought of dancing with anyone other than Edward, her stomach churned.
“I will think about it,” she said at last. “But I cannot promise anything.”
Her aunt grinned. “That is all that I ask, my dear. Though, I do believe you would have a marvellous time.”
Sighing, Victoria nodded and took a long sip of her tea. A ball, even a masked one, would likely be a disaster.
Yet there was still a small voice in the back of her head urging her to go.
Chapter 34
A couple more days passed with no word from Edward, and Victoria grew more and more despondent. She tried not to think of him but to no avail. There were reminders of him everywhere she turned. It also did not help her aching heart to see Emily and James together.
Victoria was so happy that they were reunited, but their obvious affection for each other was only a constant reminder of what she was missing. What she wished she could have with Edward.
When she thought of their night together, though, she had no regrets. She would not take back what they had done together for anything in the world, and she also did not care that she was ruined in the eyes of proper society. She had no intention of marrying anyway, so that did not matter. Even if he did not want more from her, she still would not regret it. What had happened between them had been beautiful and fulfilling.
Still, the aftermath had left her feeling hollow and shattered. Victoria could not deny her feelings for him, and she could not deny that she wanted more from him. However, what she wanted and what she was able to actually have were different.
Why would Edward want to be with her, after all? She was only a nanny. The scandal alone would haunt his family and follow them throughout Society. Of course, he would not choose her over his reputation or the reputation of his family.
She was simply not enough.
It was a sunny afternoon, two days after her visit with Henrietta, and Victoria was weighed down with melancholy. Emily and James had taken Lily out to visit friends, and Victoria was free to do as she wished for the afternoon. She sat in the library and tried to read, hoping she would be able to distract herself for even a short amount of time, but that was proving a fruitless endeavour.
When a knock sounded on the library door, she sighed and put the book she had been forcing herself to read down.
“Yes?” she called out.
The door opened, and one of the maids popped her head in.
“Beg pardon, Miss Clifford, but you have a caller,” the girl told her.
Victoria frowned. “A caller? Who is it?”
“It is Mr Hutches,” the maid said in an excited whisper. “He is waiting in the drawing room for you.”
Alvin was calling on her? Victoria felt a spike of annoyance. What in the world could he want?
Nodding, she replied, “All right, I will go down and see what he wants.”
The maid inclined her head and turned to slip back out of the room. Putting her book aside, Victoria stood and smoothed out her skirts. Making her way out of the library, she took her time getting to the drawing room, not looking forward to the encounter waiting for her there. Stopping outside the door, she paused and took a deep breath before entering the room.
Alvin was standing in the middle of the room, his hands clasped behind his back, looking around as if inspecting the space. He did not appear to notice Victoria until she cleared her throat to catch his attention.
Turning, he smiled at her. “Ah! There you are, Miss Clifford. I am glad I was able to catch you. I am sure you are very busy with your duties.”
She stayed near the open door, aware of how improper it would be if she stayed alone in his presence for too long.
“Indeed I am,” she fibbed. “It is quite kind of you to drop by, but I really cannot be away from my duties for long.”
“You can spare some time for me,” he stated with a grin. It was not a question.
