“But we can’t. We learn as we go along.” Rob drew in a breath. “When I write a book, I work with my instincts, let the characters lead me in their story. The difference there is that I can go back and clean up my mistakes.
“I like that. Maybe it’s why I’ve been alone for so long. Maybe it’s why I’m a writer instead of a doctor or an accountant.” He met Jasper’s eyes and he smiled, sad. “Life is all instinct. We don’t get the chance to go back and fix everything so it reads like a perfect narrative, so there aren’t loose ends and plot holes.” He laughed. “Sometimes I think life is made up solelyofloose ends and plot holes.”
Jasper edged closer. He put his head on Rob’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “We can make a difference.Now. That’s why I called my dad today. We’re still awkward as hell around each other, and who knows where things will go from here. We may never have the relationship I once dreamed of, pined for. But what we’ll have is based on reality—and I can be good with that.
“But we said we love each other—and that’s growth I can’t even measure. We may never be great pals or even a close father and son. But you know what? That’s okay. Because I made a turning point—I see him for who he is. As a man. A person. Andnotmy dad. We can only love what we get, not what we wish for.” Jasper cuddled closer to Rob.
“You’re pretty wise for your age,” Rob said.
“I don’t know about that. Sometimes it seems like things take forever to get through my head. But I learn as I go.”
“Me too,” Rob said. He slid an arm around Jasper. “She brought us together, you know.”
The mention of Lacy brought Jasper up short. Hot dampness sprung to his eyes. He turned his head toward Rob. “You really think so?”
“I’d love to say ‘I know so’ but the truth is, I don’t. No one does. I mean, knows what happens after we die. But in my writer’s mind, I like to imagine a scenario where shedidbring us together, where she’s looking down with a smile at two men who were important to her and they’ve found each other. I like to believe that makes her happy, even if she’s somewhere else. I like to believe she sees that we learned some truth about her—and that our love and memories of her live on in our hearts. Does that sound corny? Don’t answer. I really don’t care if it does.
“The heart speaks the truest true we know, so I’m okay with sentimental.”
Jasper snuggled closer. “And I like to believe that the two of us together and our love for her and maybe for each other comforts her.”
Jasper remembered Lacy out with him at this or that bar, in Andersonville or along Halsted Street. In retrospect, looking back on those vodka- and lust-fueled nights, he could safely say that he always witnessed two warring emotions on her face. One was sadness because she knew he could never be hers, not in the way she wanted. Yes, maybe it sounded egotistical, but it was true. And he was only thinking to himself here anyway.
The other thing he saw, though, was hope. He knew she could put aside her own wants and long for him to find a special someone who would love him as much as she did.
He was grateful for that hope. It meant, of course, she wanted what was best for him. But it was also a reassurance that maybe her suicide had nothing to do with him.
“That’s a nice thing to believe,” Rob said.
Jasper was confused for a moment, thinking Rob had read his mind. Then he recalled what he’d said about their love.
“Do you love me?” Rob asked.
And Jasper edged away, sat up straighter. “I don’t know. Not yet. But I think I could, maybe.”
“You don’t think I’m too old? That you’re just after me because I can be a father figure, the daddy you longed for but never had?”
Jasper laughed. “You don’t mince words, do you?”
“In my line of work, you learn that economy—when it comes to words—often makes for the best communication and the loveliest prose. In real life, we need to think about using fewer words and making the ones we do use more meaningful. So I’ll stick my neck out here and be like your dad, butnotyour dad.” He took a deep breath, and then he said, “I love you, Jasper.”
Jasper felt a tingle go through him, a weird electric shock, like static electricity. He scratched his head. “I’ve never been in love before. I don’t know how to recognize it.”
Rob pulled him close. “I’m willing to wait, to see if it comes up and bites you on that beautiful ass.”
“Aw. Flattery will get everywhere. Or at least into my bed.”
Rob stood. In the sweats-with-no-underwear, his erection stood out proudly. “I’ll take it.”
Jasper followed him into the bedroom, sniffing the scent of rain.
And in the kitchen, in that window glass? He saw a reflection of her, not looking out, but lookingin.
She was smiling.
Epilogue
THE SUMMERday outside was gorgeous.
