“Really? You’d want me there?” Aulie’s face radiates with a brightness that no longer brings stars to mind. No, she’s the whole freakin’ sun, and I am a planet that revolves around her, basking in her glow.
“Of course I do. I’d sling you over my shoulder and take you with me tomorrow if I thought the drive wouldn’t hurt.” I cup her cheek and relish the warm comfort of her velvet skin.I’m still considering it, even if I’d be an ass to move you in your condition.
“What about your no-dating rule during the season?”
I swallow. Today on the ice, instead of the fiery music of Dropkick Murphys, a cheerful oldies song about rainbows, sunshine, and lollipops played in a loop in my mind. There’s an unsettling feeling deep in my bones that choosing Aulie means I’m picking her above my edge, above being the best I can be for my team.
But how could I not? How could I let this brilliant, unique, beautiful woman go?
“There was always an asterisk to that rule.” I shrug.
She quirks a brow at me.
“No dating during the season—” I lower my mouth to her cheek and press a kiss there. “Unless the woman that—”I love.The words dance on my tongue, but I don’t say them. She has to know. I’ve shown her enough—what’s the point of declaring them? It’ll just make everything overly mushy, and no one wants that. “I’ve been desperate to kiss for years finally notices me.”
She snorts. “Oh, well, that’s silly, Jack. You’ve been well and noticed for twenty years, didn’t you know?”
ChapterThirty-Five
Aulie Desfleurs
Play:Stay by Maurice Williams and the Zodiacs
Jack Parker reported back to the Badgers last week. According to inside sources, certain members of the training staff have expressed concern over his lack of commitment to his fitness regimen while away from the team, stating that he isn’t in optimal shape for the season.
Are you surprised, Jeremy? The man has never committed himself to anything. They’ve got to trade that guy’s ass. Yeah, he’s talented, but he’ll never be the guy—it’s time to move on and let him be someone else’s problem.
“And that’s enough of that.” I turn down the speaker in my car and push away the guilt gnawing at my chest. If Jack is out of shape, it’s my fault. Since my surgery, he cut his time at the rink in half, sometimes not going at all. In hindsight, I should have pushed him to go instead of reveling in all the flannel blanket snuggles and early morning conversations about nothing.
I drive down the road near the baseball field and put the car into park. A blast of November wind greets my cheeks as I open the door and step out to my family’s plot. Winter in Chawton Falls is almost here. I’ll have to stop visiting soon, but after being unable to come this past month, I’ll need a few more trips before I’m ready to let go.
After a quick brush of the dried crust of leaves off the granite markers, I grab my Seven Novels book and blanket, rolling it out in front of my Memere’s marker. “Salut,” I say to her, placing a coffee on her grave. “Gosh, I’ve missed you.” A shiver works down my spine, and I sip my coffee, hoping to warm my insides a fraction.
“I know, it’s getting colder.” I shrug off her concerned look shining down on me from above. She’d hate that I came out here when it’s this chilly and I’m recovering from surgery, but tough. “We’ll finishPersuasiontoday, and I’ll be content to visit in the car after this.” My fingers wrap tighter around my coffee mug and find comfort in its warmth. The metal sphere around my finger that Gus gave me yesterday as a belated birthday gift presses against my skin. “Oh! You’ll never guess, but Gus surprised me with your ring for my birthday; he had it restored, and now I’ll be able to take you everywhere. You would love what he did, and I guess Jack too, with the band. It’s absolutely gorgeous.”
I twiddle with it some more while a ghost of a smile curls my lips. Gus couldn’t afford to do this on his own. The stones on the band were definitely from Jack, but we hadn’t acknowledged our feelings for each other yet when he did this. And he hasn’t tried to claim any credit now that we’re…something.
I don’t know what to call what we are since neither of us took the extra step to define the relationship before he left.
How long has he been quietly doing these small, thoughtful things?
“You remember Jack, right? Well, he and I are…seeing each other. Although he had to go back to Boston.”
I’m unsure what his departure means for us, either, but I’m remaining optimistic. Despite his track record, I believe he meant it when he said he wanted to keep exploring our relationship. Though, it’s unclear how long that intention will last under the weight of the season’s pressures.
“Can you believe that? Me, dating a hockey player! How ridiculous is that? But he’s so thoughtful, sweet, and funny.” I shrug, taking a sip of my coffee.
“You know how Captain Wentworth’s half agony, half hope? I feel like that’s me. It’s like I’ve never let someone this far in. Because it hurts when they leave. None of you meant to abandon me, I get that, but heck, it still shattered something inside of me. Sometimes, I want to be angry at you all. You taught me to love with this deep passion and never taught me how to cope when I have all this love to give, and the person isn’t there anymore. I’m terrified that I’m there with him, that he’s as deep as Emy or Gus, and I don’t know that I trust him yet not to demolish me.
“But I guess if Mr. Wentworth could let Anne go for eight years on a boat, then I could learn to do that, too. What am I saying? He just went to Boston. It’s not like he’s a world away.” I shift. “Just a feeling—I don’t know—” Stretching my legs out, I lean back on my palms to relieve some pressure off my pelvic area. The sun streams through the barren branches above, and I soak in the pale warmth.
“I know. I know. Worry about the future when it becomes the present because it’s undecided until it becomes so. You’re right.
“I’m going back to the fair in a few days forPersuasionweekend, so that will do nicely. Oh yes, let’s finish our read.”
Opening the page to where the silk bookmark lies, a little prick of hope sparks in my chest. Anne and Mr. Wentworth are about to confess their love to one another and embark on their journey of a happily ever after. It’s an ending I usually revel in fictionally.
But today, despite all my misgivings and fears surrounding my current situation, there’s an undeniable voice whispering that maybe a happily ever after in my life is possible after all.
