I cycle through all the information he just laid on me. How long exactly has had feelings for me? And how could the man sitting in front of me think he didn’t have a shot with me? I’ve been pretty obvious about my affections for him.
I sit there and think.
And think.
And think.
While his thumb continues to stroke the top of my hand.
The passion behind Jack’s kisses and the recent looks of longing gives more weight to his declaration, rather than my practical side’s argument that he couldn’t possibly feel a thing for me.
“What do you think, Dessy? You’re kind of hanging me out to dry here.” He laughs nervously.
“It doesn’t make sense.”
“What doesn’t?”
I toss my hands in the air. “Any of it. Jack, I don’t fit.”
He purses his lips. “What do you mean, you don’t ‘fit’”
“Into your life. I’m not your type. I’m not a supermodel capable of orgasming five times in one session. I don’t use the GOOP egg.” At this, Jack raises his brow. “I read it on Veronica’s Instagram. But seriously. I don’t even know if I’m good at sex. I’ve only done it with Tyler a few times—and oh my god—why am I sharing that with you? I can’t go out often. And even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. You’d get bored with me in two seconds. No, I think risking our friendship would be a bad idea. There’s no way you’re thinking this through; you’ve just never thought about me like this, and you’re suspended and confused—”
“Hey, hey, hey, come here.”
I lean forward, and Jack pushes a strand of hair away from my face before gesturing me to scoot closer. I shift, and he gathers me up onto his lap.
Laying a hand on his chest, I feel his heartbeat pound under my pulse, and again I can’t deny my way out of this reality.
For whatever reason, Jack likes me—as more than a friend.
“First off. I didn’t do anything with Veronica, so I can’t speak to her abilities.”
My wandering gaze searches his face. How? I’ve seen all the pictures on the gossip sites of them holding hands, renting out restaurants, and her security moving her bags into his apartment. Did he have the markings of a man in love? Not exactly, but Jack’s typically a stoic guy, so I didn’t read anything into that—all I knew was he’d stumbled into a relationship with a woman that was as close to perfection on this earth as I’d ever known. The kind of person he deserved. “You didn’t?”
“No. We weren’t really dating. But even if I had, that wouldn’t change my feelings about us. This isn’t some sudden development for me, Aulie. I’ve never had a type that wasn’t you. I don’t know how I can be clearer about that. And I don’t need to go out—those are things I do to quiet my brain. But just sitting with you on the couch or having you here makes everything quiet, too. So if all you want to do is cuddle on the couch or out here—I don’t care. I want to be with you.”
“What about when you go back?”
He blinks for half a second. “I don’t know.”
“You hadn’t thought that far.”
“I’m still figuring this out—hell, Dessy, until the last few days, I didn’t even realize you had feelings for me.”
“Really?” I laugh. “I thought I had been very obvious.”
His eyes narrow. “I’m clueless about this stuff. You’re going to have to be gentle with me.”
“I can be gentle.” I slowly work on undoing one button on his shirt.
“I wish I could promise you the fairy tale ending with the Prince Charming you deserve instead of a bumpy ride with the court jester. But if you’re okay with all the bumps along the way, I promise I’m going to do my best to become somebody you deserve.”
“I don’t want somebody else. I want you,” I whisper, letting my lips brush against Jack’s in what I hope is a reassuring kiss.You’re so much more to me than you seem to know.
It’s reckless, really, to risk our friendship. One that’s so important to me, especially since I’ve had far too many people leave. Jack has a no-dating during the season rule for a reason, and who’s saying he won’t re-enact it when he re-joins his team? The thought terrifies me.
But the prospect of not trying at all—we’re beyond that. For once, safe isn’t an option.
