“Oh.” His shoulders curl in on themselves, and his left knee bounces. “Well, I can’t really take it later. My dad needs someone to fill it now.”
Shit, well, that complicates things.
“I don’t want you making a decision you’ll regret in a few months on my account.”
“You still don’t trust me,” he murmurs, shaking his head.
“Of course I trust you. I’m just trying to protect you, and I don’t think we’re being rational about this.”
“If you trusted me, you’d let me make my own decisions.” He stands, raking a hand through his hair. “Answer me this—do you want me there?”
I shift in my seat. Well obviously. “I mean, I do—”
“Then I don’t see the problem here. I’ve been out-of-my-mind, wild in love with you since I first saw you, Peaches. That’s not going to change in a few months.”
“I’m just worried you love an idea of me. There’s no way you could understand the kind of mess you’re getting into, and I don’t want you making a decision like this until you understand everything.”
My pulse skitters, thudding wildly in my ear. I want to trust this. I want to be the person who makes irrational decisions because of love. But there’s no way that Liam sees the situation’s reality. He can’t. Not with how his eyes settle on me like I’m holding him spellbound.
He groans, scrubbing a hand over his face. “How many times do I have to tell you you’re not a mess before you believe it, Evie?”
I shift on the bench. “If I say the limit doesn’t exist?” I let out a self-deprecating laugh. But it’s the truth, especially with the weight of the past few days crashing over me. Tidal wave after tidal wave, threatens to destroy me. Our only attempt at intimacy was a failure, something Kylie didn’t seem to have a problem with. Maybe she would make him happier in the end, she clearly wasn’t over him anyway. My reserve weakens. Liam wants to start a family, and there’s no guarantee I won’t ruin that. Another wave, another crash, more destruction. And what about Aunt Norma? Didn’t her husband divorce her for these very reasons?
Another wave. Another crash. And this time, it obliterates me.
“You’re going to hate me,” I whisper. A tear slowly rolls down my cheek, and my body starts to shake. “For real. Not this little game we’ve played all these years. You’re going to give up all these things, and then one day when you’re sick of me, you’ll question why you made so many sacrifices and why sex with me isn’t like sex with Kylie, and you’ll resent me, and the family we can’t have.”
“Evie—” Liam reaches for me, and I turn my body away. “First off, if this is all because of the speech, Peaches, I meant you and me hopefully, someday could make a family. Two people, that’s all. Whatever happens after that, we’ll figure it out together. Okay?”
I nod with a sniffle, but the anxiety still crashes over me, wave after unyielding wave.
“Good. Now I have to ask, what the hell is this about Kylie?”
“It’s nothing. I’m just—” I groan, burying my head in my hands. Liam’s shoe scrapes across the wood as he paces, and I don’t pick up my gaze. He’s anxious, and I can’t handle seeing him like that. “I’m way too overwhelmed, and this trip’s brought up a lot of issues that I was clearly just ignoring and need to work through. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this right now.”
The sharp cut of his foot halting slices through the air. “Do, what, exactly?”
I drag a collecting breath through my lungs because I don’t want to say this, but there’s no way I can handle the pressure of a relationship—a new one, where someone moves to be with me. Not right now, not with where my head’s at. “I think it’s better to cut this off before it gets too serious. That way, no one gets hurt.” I wipe at my eyes, rubbing my arm.
“You know it’s too fucking late for that, Evie. Come on.” He kneels down, gently grabbing my hand and lifting my chin to meet his imploring gaze. “Seriously, please don’t punish me for something I haven’t done. I’ve given you no reason to think I’d do any of that to you.”
And I want to believe him, I do. But another wave of self-doubt crashes over me, and I’m too tired to fight against the tide as it pulls me out, abandoning me in the middle of a depthless ocean. I’m in pain. It never stops. I’ll make plans difficult. I’m dramatic. Selfish. I hold grudges. I’m impulsive in the worst ways and timid when I should be bold. There’s no way he won’t see this eventually. Whatever spell he’s under will break, he’ll have given up so much, and he’ll hate me.
I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking anything through right now, but I know enough to know I need time on my own to figure some things out.
I wrap my hand around his neck, threading my fingers through his hair, and press my forehead against his. “I’m not saying this is final. But I need time. Please. I don’t expect you to understand everything I’m going through now, but please give me that. I don’t get why you’d want it, but we’ll never work if I don’t figure some stuff out on my own for a while.”
He pulls away, pinning a stare on me. “Whatever you need, I can’t stop you. But Evie, I need you to understand something since you’re talking like you’re somehow a fucking burden. All I’ve ever seen you as is my other half. I wasn’t thinking irrationally about this move. I know you, Peaches. And I love you. All of you. I think there’s a chance we could have something great, that maybe we could have that once-in-a-lifetime shit I never wanted to believe in, and I’m willing to take a risk for that, but I can’t force you to see that.”
“I thought you’d be okay with the perfect moment.” I sniff. “Roman Holiday, right?”
“No, Evie, you were right. That’s never going to be enough with you. I want all of you, Peaches. I want the chance for this to be something great.”
“But what if it’s not? What if it crashes and burns?”
“Then at least we’d know where this spark goes.”
“I need time,” I whisper. “Please. I can’t do this. Not right now. Not like this.” Another tear rolls down my cheek, and he brushes it with his thumb.
