“But if you want to,then—”
“No.” He silenced me with another kiss. “I don’t want anything that isn’t good for you too. If it’s not good for both of us, then I don’t want it at all. I’m more than happy with what we already have, and if that’s all we ever do, it’s more than enough for me. Do you believe me?”
I nodded, because I did.
“So you just tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable and we won’t do that. Okay?”
“Okay. Later, though?”
“Of course.” He kissed me softly again. “Whenever you’re ready.”
I hated that there were things that had been ruined for me. Things I’d never get to experience the way they were supposed to be experienced the first time, and every time after that. I couldn’t have him touch me in a sexual way while I was sleeping. I couldn’t have him give me a blow job. I couldn’t bottom for him. Those things were tainted, taken from me, and it felt like now I was taking them away from him in a different way. Denying him the experience of even trying them.
More than anything, I didn’t want Jonah to feel like he had to be cautious around me, or for him to treat me like I was weak, fragile, broken. I loved it when he got needy, when he was demanding and selfish. Especially when it came to sex. It had taken him time to relax around me and be confident like that. I didn’t want to lose it again.
I kissed him again, gently at first, then deeper. He matched me, softly, cautiously, until my tongue pressed into his mouth and his was eager to meet it. Until he kissed me back the way he always did.
When our lips parted, I rested my head against his again, the tip of his nose cold as it brushed against mine.
“So…” I smiled softly. “You’re in love with the Devil?”
Jonah huffed, rolling his eyes. “Apparently.”
“Would you still be in love if I had killed him?”
He looked at me for a long moment, processing, before he spoke again. “I would.”
I believed him.
“I love you too, Rabbit.”
I kissed him again, deeper. I wanted him, craved him,neededhim in ways so much more than sexual. He kissed me like he understood. Like I wasn’t tainted.
“I need to feel you.”
He nodded softly. “Take me home.”
“Are you sure?” Jonah asked me, his skin flushed pink and bare beneath me.
“Don’t do that,” I pleaded with him, stealing his lips again. “Don’t treat me any differently.”
“I’m not.” He spoke between kisses. “I just—” I silenced him with another kiss, not wanting to hear it, because if he felt like he needed to check in with me when I said I wanted to do something, then hewastreating me differently. “I—” another kiss. Jonah shoved my shoulder, forcing me to release his lips. “Will you fucking let me speak?” he snapped.
I sighed, an ache in my chest. “What?”
“I was just trying to say, you got fucking injured last night. If this position hurts, we can just lie down like we did last time.”
I laughed softly, relief easing the tension that had built in my chest.
Once we’d arrived home, we’d wordlessly taken a shower together. I washed him, and he’d done the same to me, cleaning away the remnants of that forest from our skin. Now I was more desperateto feel him than ever. To have a connection with him that brought us as close as physically possible. I didn’t think I could take it if he rejected me right now.
But he wasn’t. He was accepting me as I was. Even knowing what lived beneath my skin, he still wanted me—still loved me.
“I’m okay, I promise.”
He nodded. I reached for the lube and kissed his lips as I uncapped it. Refused to leave them except when we needed to breathe as I opened him up with my fingers. Then I was pushing inside him, where I needed to be. Where I belonged. And he accepted me like he always did. Until my hips pressed against his ass and I was home.
It wasn’t possible to be closer to him than I was right now, but still I wanted to be. I didn’t even want skin between us. I wanted to become this beautiful grotesque combination of the both of us, where there was no place he ended and I began. I wanted to fuse our bodies, our souls, until there was no way we could ever be separated. But I suppose this would have to do.
