He sobbed, his body trying to twist away from me, but I didn’t let him, determined to wake him up from his nightmare. Then he gasped sharply, his breathing coming in short and sharp and far too fast.
“Are you awake?” I asked again, my hands still rubbing his arms in an attempt to soothe him.
He sobbed and flinched again in response.
“I’m here. I have you.”
“—oots.”
“What?”
“Boots.”
Boots means no. I pulled back, taking my hands off him even though all my instincts screamed at me to hold him together while he was breaking apart. Heat prickled behind my eyes. I didn’t understand was happening, why he’d used our safeword for something as simple as my hands on his shoulders. But he didn’t want me to touch him right now, so I wouldn’t, despite how badly I wanted to.What did I do wrong?
“L-lamp,” he choked out, and I scrambled to the nightstand to switch it on for him.
Warm light flooded the room, and I took him in. He wasn’t looking at me, his head tilted back to look at the bedroom wall.
“Baby, please look at me.”
He didn’t. His face was wet, tears streaming steadily from the corners of his eyes as he kept them focused on the wall.
What was happening? What did I do?How do I help?
Without thinking, my hand rested over his, but he pulled it back as if I’d burned him.
“I’m sorry!” Emotions swirled around inside me in a panicked and confused storm. I wanted to touch him again, to comfort him,but that seemed to be the problem. “Tell me what to do. Please. Tell me what you need. I’m sorry!”
He let out a broken sob, and I shuffled closer without touching him. When he still wouldn’t look at me, I followed his gaze, finding the childish dinosaur stickers on his bedroom wall. Their exaggerated smiling faces blurred as I looked at them, becoming a smear of color. A truth I didn’t want to know became clearer as they distorted.
It wasn’t a nightmare at all. It was a memory. Here, in this bed, someone had hurt him.
I stayed where I was, trying to think of something I could do that wouldn’t make things worse for him, but I felt completely useless.
When his breathing finally evened out again, he turned to look at me, and I’d never seen so much pain in his eyes. I sobbed.
“Come here,” he whispered, his hand finding mine.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to make it worse. I’m sorry.”
“I’m okay now, baby. I need you to hold me.”
I fell into him, wrapping my arms around him, and he held me just as tight.
“I’m sorry,” I said again into his shoulder.
“I know, Rabbit. It’s not your fault.”
Maybe he was right, but I still felt like I’d made it worse for him. I needed to apologize for not being able to fix it, and I didn’t want him to comfort me. He was the one who was hurting. I needed to just be here for him now, without him feeling like he needed to take care of me as well as himself.
We lay in silence, holding each other until his breathing was slow and deep and calm once more. Until I might have thought he was asleep if I weren’t paying quite such close attention.
“Who was it?” I asked eventually. Dex was silent for too long for him not to know what I meant, for it not to be a confirmation ofmy fears. “Give me a name.” My voice sounded way more affected than I wanted it to. “Or… names?”
“Just one.”
“Where are they?” Something dark and ugly bubbled inside me, something I didn’t know how to deal with. But I couldn’t shove it back down. I wasn’t sure what I’d do with the information I was asking for, but I already knew I had to do something. I’d hurt whoever had hurt him. I was sure of it.
