This is why no one ever will.
You’re crazy. Insane. Unreasonable. Stubborn. Frustrating. Too much. Too much.Too much.
I sobbed into my arm, panic replaced by hopelessness. My anger had been loud so I hadn’t had to listen to the doubts that whispered in the silence. The fears. But it was silent now.
Why couldn’t I just be like Dex? He was in pain too, he was hurting too, but he could control it.Why can’t I control it?
I’m not good enough.
Dex would return and see that he’d been right to leave me. And the next time he left… he wouldn’t come back.
By the time I heard his bike coming down the road and into the driveway, I didn’t want to move. I didn’t have any rage left for him. All I could do was sit here and wait for him to find me. Wait for him to decide that this was it, this was too much for him.
The door opened and closed so softly that if I hadn’t been sitting in the next room over, I wouldn’t have heard it. Maybe he was worried about what he’d be walking into and was trying to becautious. I heard the creak of the stairs as he climbed them, but I didn’t make a sound. Let him think I’d left.
After a minute, I heard the creaks again as he descended. Closer. Until all that remained between us was a jammed door. Only whenheturned the handle, of course it opened for him.
Dex inhaled sharply, no doubt taking in the chaos I’d caused. I’d thought maybe I’d get some satisfaction from him seeing the destruction, but all I felt was more shame.
After a moment, he pushed the door open the rest of the way, and then disappeared out the way he came. I figured he’d go for the front door, but he took the stairs again. Was he waiting for me to leave now that it was open?
I didn’t have to wonder for long before his heavy footfalls bounded closer, like maybe he was taking the stairs two at a time. Then he was back, kneeling in front of me, concern and hurt in his tired eyes as he gently pried my arms away from where they hugged my knees, getting a better look at what I’d done to myself.
Leaning forward, he placed a kiss on the top of my head, achingly soft and lingering. Then without speaking, he opened the first aid kit and got to work.
forty-one
Dex - Past
NO MORE HIDING.
The door to the living room was one of many things on my list to fix. The handle twisted on both sides, but the latch only engaged if you turned it from the outside. I’d made a mistake by forgetting to mention that to Jonah. But the biggest mistake I’d made had been leaving him. Again.
It shouldn’t have mattered that the Strays needed me. I’d been trying to contact Snake for the past two days, and when he called, I figured he was just calling me back. How wrong I was. Another body. He’d been so panicked. I wasn’t used to hearing a man usually so cold, arrogant, and sure of himself crying like a baby, barely able to get a breath in. Still, Jonah should have been my priority.
I’d done what I’d needed to and stepped up while Archer slacked off, but I couldn’t keep it up, not with Jonah needing me as much as he did. If it were between the Strays and Jonah, I’d choose Jonah every time. But I hadn’t shown him that.
A conversation needed to be had with Archer. He’d asked me to give him time, but I couldn’t. He needed to get his shit together or start delegating to others, because I was done. It didn’t matter what conversations had been had with Henrik. It didn’t matter that there were others who’d put their trust in me. The only person who mattered was sitting in front of me, and even then, he wasn’t truly there.
Jonah’s eyes were dull and vacant, like the day I’d found him in the shower; violence had carved out the fire from the core ofhim, only this time it was violence against himself. I’d rather bury a thousand bodies for him than patch up a single wound on his perfect skin. I wished I could take them from him, because each laceration hurt me twice as much as if they’d been carved directly into my flesh.
There were two that were particularly savage, marking an X over the existing scars on his outer calf. He’d carved them right through the denim of his jeans, the fabric as torn as his skin. They seemed to be the only ones still actively bleeding. I tore away the rest of the ruined material as gently as possible to reveal the full extent of the damage, then applied gauze firmly to the wounds, adding another layer when it soaked through too fast, waiting patiently until the bleeding eventually slowed and then stopped.
“This is going to sting,” I warned, my voice just above a whisper after I’d pulled the bloodied gauze away and reached for the antiseptic. Jonah nodded softly but didn’t speak, still numb to me and to himself until the damp pad made contact with wounded flesh and he hissed, gritting his teeth and groaning. He didn’t stop me, so I continued cleaning and disinfecting his leg and then his fingers.
I placed more closure strips than was probably necessary to the worst of the damage, holding his split skin together, and I hoped reducing the chances of further scarring. Then I wrapped his leg and fingers in more gauze until his pain was hidden beneath deceptive white.
There was blood on the floor, soaking into the carpet. I didn’t care. Tomorrow I’d figure out what to do about that; today I’d been away from Jonah long enough. We still needed to talk about what happened, but he was tired, and so was I. What I needed now was to hold him, to have him, to keep him. I believed he needed the same.
Without forcing either of us to speak more than necessary, I gently eased my hands under his legs, around his waist, waiting for him to protest and then lifting him when he didn’t.
I carried him to the bedroom, setting him down softly on the bed before undressing him, cautious of his injuries. He let me, and when he was left in only his underwear, I did the same.
Just before taking my place on the bed beside him, my phone rang again, and I didn’t miss the way Jonah tensed at the noise. I reached for it, seeing Bryce’s name on the screen before switching it off. Whatever he needed, someone else could deal with it.
Where I needed to be now was here, with him. I found my place beside him and pulled him into me, his skin against my skin. Then I tugged the blankets over us both, sealing us in with each other like the covers could shield us from the rest of the world.
I kissed the back of his shoulders, inhaling the scent of him deep into my lungs. The scent of my home.
