‘The morning?’ I frowned.
‘The marquee,’ she said impatiently. ‘We’re going to start decorating it – for your wedding – remember?’
As she carried on running, Adam turned to me. ‘I hope we haven’t put the cat amongst the pigeons.’
‘We were just walking.’ But instead of its earlier lightness, my heart felt heavy. If this was just walking, why this guilt? ‘You know, maybe I should go back. You see, I’m not quite sure what we’re doing here.’ I gazed at him. ‘I mean, I’m about to get married – and you and I are practically strangers.’
‘You’re right.’ A look I couldn’t read crossed his face. ‘It’s just that…’
My eyes met his. ‘Just what?’
‘Is it just me?’ He hesitated. ‘Because it doesn’t feel like that, does it? Like we’re strangers?’
Thoughts crowded my mind. Thoughts that didn’t belong there, that I was struggling to make sense of. Emotions, ditto; feelings I’d never known before. ‘It doesn’t.’ I felt a brief, delicious curl of something inside me, before guilt struck again. ‘I really have to go,’ I said quietly.
‘You’ve done nothing wrong. We’re just walking.’ As he spoke, there was something about his voice.
‘But we’re not, are we?’ This time, the words burst out of me. ‘I feel something – something I shouldn’t. Not when I’m getting married this weekend – to Gareth.’
Without waiting for him to reply, I turned and started heading back to my car, fighting the urge to look back, to see if he was still there, watching me.
Reaching my car, I got in and just sat there for a moment. What was I playing at? I loved Gareth. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him – it had already been decided.
Even if I’d wanted to, when Mum had been living and breathing our wedding for the last few months, there was no way I could change my mind at this stage.
As memories come flooding back, I remember how conflicted, how out of my depth I felt. I watch the uncertainty ripple across the younger me’s face. The truth is the dilemma I was in has been lost in the years that have passed. I made my decision. Since, I’ve mostly buried all thoughts of Adam; thrown myself into married life, until said married life spat me out again.
Now, however, given this window onto the past, I’m questioning myself. The way I’d rationalised how drawn I’d felt to Adam; why it seemed worse to cancel a wedding than to marry the wrong man.What had I been thinking?
But I’d believed I loved Gareth. It’s easy enough with hindsight, though, to see how in marrying him, I’d made a mistake of monumental proportions. The gift of good old hindsight – and it was one that changed the course of the rest of my life.
When a part of me had always known Gareth and I were missing something, it’s no surprise that ever since, our relationship had been so up and down. Even before we were married, the warning signs had been there.
It seems now that meeting Adam had been one of those signs; a gift, to jolt me out of the complacency I shouldn’t have been so comfortable with. But instead of listening to my instincts, I’d blocked them out.
What if… I find myself thinking. What if I could go back… If I could have found my courage. Told Gareth it wasn’t right between us; that there was no rush to get married. That we were young; I needed time. Had a conversation I would have absolutely dreaded with my parents. And OK, so my dad would have had plenty to say on the subject of commitment, but after the initial disappointment, I like to think they would have understood. And I would have been free – to be myself; to see where this thing with Adam would have taken us.
But if I had, I wouldn’t have the twins, would I? Now, I can’t bear even the thought of a life without Robbie and Alex. Even knowing what I know now, I’d marry Gareth again in a heartbeat rather than not have them in my life.
I feel myself sigh. Gareth and I were never soulmates. I doubt Gareth even knows what a soulmate is. Whereas Adam…
2
Back to the Future
I hear a distant voice calling my name. Then as the vision of my younger self starts to fade, a sense of panic consumes me. I can’t leave her, not like this. And I need to understand why things happened the way they did…
‘Tilly?’
The voice has an accent I don’t recognise at first and as the image of the past disappears, I’m pulled back to the present; remember where I am.Crete. The rain storm. Michail’s house… Falling.
Relief fills me. I’m fine. I was obviously knocked unconscious, but it’s like I’ve come around from the strangest dream. I already know what I want to say.Don’t worry, it was nothing… I’m OK.
I try to open my eyes, to form the words.
But I can’t.
Fear floods through my veins. I’m alive. I can hear machines bleeping around me. I understand what’s going on… It means my brain is working. But I can’t communicate. Nor can I move.
