‘Why are you really here?’
Our eyes met and I couldn’t look away. ‘I don’t know.’ Given the reality of my life, nothing about this made sense.
‘Then can I tell you how I’ve been feeling?’ He paused. ‘It’s that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. And however bad the timing is, I wish I could get to know you, properly. To make you laugh. To share adventures with you.’ His eyes held mine. ‘And it feels really important to me to tell you this.’
Wow.Just the thought was glorious. A small smile crept across my lips.
‘That’s better.’ He smiled, too. Then it faded.
I sighed deeply. ‘This is crazy. Isn’t it?’ I stared at him. ‘I mean, we barely know each other.’ A feeling of anguish filled me as I plummeted back down to earth. ‘Once I’m married, I never will.’
He gazed through the window, then he turned to look at me again. ‘What if I asked you to give me – us – one evening? Before you sign away the rest of your life?’ He said it humorously but his eyes were serious.
My mouth fell open. ‘You mean, this week?’
‘I guess it will have to be.’ He was watching me.
‘I can’t.’ I’d never felt so conflicted. Or could I? No question, I wanted to. The thought of Gareth at home in our flat held no allure for me. Meanwhile, being here no longer felt wrong. Already, I didn’t want to leave. ‘I don’t know if I can.’ The voice of reason taking over; the next days and hours having already been mapped out – which I hadn’t minded – until now.
‘Well, what if I said I’m working from home tomorrow?’ He paused. ‘I don’t know what we do here. I’m on unfamiliar ground, Tilly. I’ve no idea what you must think of me, asking you this when I know you’re getting married. And I swear I’ve never done anything like this in my life. I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t have a feeling you wanted it, too.’ He paused. ‘I could take the afternoon off – if you wanted me to?’
I had a silent battle going on with myself. OK, so I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted to so much. But common sense was starting to kick in. I’d committed myself to someone else. This, whateverthiswas, happening when it was, it wasn’t right. I felt powerless as I wiped away tears I hadn’t known were there. But as I stood there, a recklessness took me over. ‘OK.’ My voice was husky. ‘I’ll be here.’
I left my drink unfinished. Adam walked me to the door, where I lingered a moment. We didn’t speak. But we didn’t need words. There were hopes, dreams, entire lifetimes in our eyes, promises as yet unlived.
I opened the door. ‘Bye,’ I said softly as I slipped outside.
I felt removed as I walked away. Displaced. The world no longer the familiar place it used to be just days ago. The sun was sinking, the park in shadow as I walked back. Reaching our flat, I could hear the football on the TV even before I opened the door. As I closed it, Gareth cheered loudly. ‘You’ve missed a brilliant game,’ he called out enthusiastically.
Going in, I watched him turn the TV off, then shuffle along the sofa to make enough room for me.
‘You OK?’ For a moment, he looked uncertain.
‘Yes.’ I tried to smile, my eyes taking in the predictable empty cans on the floor.
‘Sorry, babe,’ he said hastily. ‘I must stop doing this. I’m going to change my ways, I promise you.’ He leant down to pick them up. ‘Can I get you a cuppa – or something stronger?’
‘A glass of wine would be lovely.’ Guilt flowed over me. Gareth meant well. And all I’d done these last few days was pick holes in him.
He came back holding a couple of glasses of wine. He sat down and passed one to me. ‘To us.’ He chinked his glass against mine.
‘To us,’ I murmured softly.
We actually talked that night – about our families and our wedding day; how one day not too long from now, hopefully we’d buy a little house. But in bed, while Gareth slept, my thoughts refused to settle. And not because I was thinking about my wedding. The only thing on my mind was seeing Adam.
The following morning, I was up and about early. Leaving Gareth snoring, I showered and dressed. As I made a mug of coffee, my phone buzzed with a text from Lizzie.
Lizzie
How are you? I’ve been worried about you. Call me xxxx
I couldn’t risk Gareth overhearing me. Taking my coffee outside, I closed the front door and called her back. ‘Hey. Are you OK?’
‘Of course I am.’ Lizzie sounded impatient. ‘It’s you I’m worried about.’
‘You don’t need to be. Honestly,’ I said. ‘Everything’s fine.’
‘Have you seen him again? Adam, I mean?’
