‘We’re getting married, Gareth.’ I frowned. ‘That’s a pretty major change by anyone’s account.’
‘Yeah, but we’ll still be living here, going to work, seeing the same people.’ He shrugged. ‘Our day-to-day lives will be exactly the same.’
For once, he was bang on. But if that was the case, why were we doing this? I stared at him, suddenly curious. ‘Why do you want to get married, Gareth?’
He looked startled. ‘What kind of a question is that?’
I shrugged. ‘I want to know. I mean, I’ve always thought getting married is a big deal. If it isn’t, I’m wondering why you want to do it.’
Coming over, he sat down next to me. ‘What’s really going on here?’ he said gently.
‘How do we know?’ I searched the blue eyes that were so familiar to me. ‘That we’ll always feel like this? That what we have is enough?’
‘We’ve been together for years. I love you, Tilly. I kind of assumed you love me too. Isn’t love enough?’ He looked hurt. ‘No one knows what the future holds.’ He frowned. ‘Or has something happened?’
It was my perfect opportunity to tell him the truth. ‘No.’ I looked away, unable to do it. ‘It’s just that marriage is a huge commitment. There are things we haven’t really talked about – not properly.’
‘Of course we’ve talked.’ He frowned. ‘I don’t know what you’re getting at.’
‘But we haven’t,’ I persisted. ‘Not about children, for example. I’ve always assumed you want them. But until now, I haven’t actually asked you.’ I paused. ‘Do you? Want children?’
‘Of course I do. Doesn’t everyone?’ But he looked evasive. ‘In time. We’re young. There’s no hurry. We’ve plenty of time to think about having a family.’
There it was. The giveaway hint that when it came to children, Gareth really wasn’t that bothered about it. But I didn’t want to believe it. ‘I suppose we’d need a bigger place,’ I said thoughtfully.
‘Exactly,’ he said quickly. ‘See? A few years down the line, when we’ve bought a house, maybe, that will be the time.’
A few years down the linewasn’t at all what I had in mind. But I didn’t want to fight.
He frowned. ‘Is there anything else?’
I folded my arms. I’d hoped that by expressing even a single concern, it would open up some honest conversation between us. But instead, there was an awkward silence that was far from satisfactory, while I knew if I pushed him, he’d only get angry.
He got up. ‘Fancy a cuppa?’
‘Thanks.’ Sitting there, I watched him walk across the room, listening as he filled the kettle and switched it on. That he could just gloss over what felt like the elephant in the room, this close to our wedding, I absolutely knew it wasn’t right.
It wasn’t going to solve anything, but suddenly I needed to get out. As he came back in carrying two mugs, I got up. ‘I just had a message from Lizzie,’ I lied. ‘She wants to talk to me about something. I’m going to meet her for a walk.’
‘You’ve just spent the entire day with her.’ Gareth sounded sulky. ‘It can’t be that important.’
‘It’s to do with the wedding.’ I kissed him briefly on the lips. A kiss he didn’t reciprocate. ‘I won’t be long.’
It would never occur to Gareth that there was no message from Lizzie. With hindsight, I should have texted her on the off chance he’d call her. But I knew he wouldn’t. And I knew she wouldn’t call him. Gareth and my sister had only one thing in common, and that was me.
As I walked along the street, I tuned out the traffic noise. I had the strangest sense of being at the centre of a life I was rapidly losing control over. There was this lavish wedding paid for by my parents. And that was the essence of the problem. If it had been some tiny do at a pub, it would have been so much easier to call it off. But a hundred people had been invited. They’d bought outfits and presents; planned their weekends around mine and Gareth’s nuptials. Knowing that made it impossible to cancel it.
It meant I had no choice but to go ahead. Stopping at the end of the road, I waited for the traffic to clear before crossing it and entering the park. Surrounded by trees, I watched a group of kids kicking a football about. It wasn’t helping that everywhere around me there were couples – younger ones, loved up, their hands entwined. An older one, arm in arm, an expression of quiet contentment in their eyes.
Would Gareth and I be like that? Our love enough to see us into old age? But how did anyone know? The fact was no one did. You had to believe in marriage, in each other, enough to want to take the chance.
‘Tilly?’ The voice came from behind me.
I froze for a split second, feeling my heart start to race, already knowing it was Adam as I turned to see him standing there. ‘Hi.’
‘You look as though you’re carrying the cares of the world on those narrow shoulders.’ He paused. ‘Feel like sharing them?’
‘I’m not sure it would help,’ I said ruefully.
