My eyes flit between PC Page’s and the psychologist’s, as I take in what she’s saying, frowning as I wonder why they’ve spoken to Sonia.
Dana looks at me. She’s pretty, with reddish hair and pale skin, the kind of looks no doubt Matt would have found attractive. ‘Have you heard of gaslighting, Amy?’ When I shake my head, she goes on. ‘It’s when a man – usually it’s a man – starts altering the reality of the woman he lives with. It starts in small ways, such as him telling her she’s forgotten something he never asked her to get, or reminding her about a conversation they’ve never had. Gradually it escalates, until she starts to doubt herself. Eventually she thinks she’s going mad.’
As I listen, there’s an uncomfortable familiarity to what she’s saying.
‘Your daughter gave me an example.’ PC Page speaks slowly. ‘She told me how when you were planning your wedding, you were going to get married on a beach. You’d even picked the venue in the Caribbean. Jess said it was the wedding you’d dreamed of. You’d even emailed them and confirmed a date.’ She pauses, watching me. ‘Then after buying the dresses, Matt reminded you you’d discussed it and changed your plans. You were getting married here, but you’d obviously forgotten. He was kind, but firm. He’d already booked somewhere else. There was no way you were having the beach wedding you’d dreamed of.’
As she speaks, I feel my mouth fall open, then tears fill my eyes, only this time they’re tears of release pouring unchecked down my face, as a new feeling comes to me. Relief – that I’m not mad, that I didn’t imagine it. God, I remember that night so clearly. How thrilled I’d been to have found fairytale dresses for both Jess and me, picturing a weddingunder the Caribbean sun at this gorgeous guesthouse I’d found. I was so sure that Matt had agreed, otherwise I’d never have bought those dresses, but in the end, when he disputed it so confidently, I’d believed him, just as I’d always believed everything he said to me. What PC Page described is exactly what happened, countless times. ‘He must have deleted the emails.’ I’m dumbfounded. ‘I knew I didn’t remember having that conversation. I was sure we were planning a beach wedding.’ I look at them both in disbelief. ‘He did that to me so many times. I can’t believe I didn’t see it.’
‘That’s how it works,’ Dana says quietly. ‘Nothing too aggressive to start with, just a subtle undermining, chipping away at your reality, until before long, you’re so under their spell, you believe everything they tell you, to the point you question your own sanity.’
I gasp in surprise at how accurately she describes it, because it’s exactly how it was. Even at the end, when Matt told me it was me who was controlling him. That he was was walking on eggshells, when in fact it was the reverse of what was happening. I knew he was wrong, but through sheer force of will, he’d convinced me he wasn’t.
Dana continues. ‘Very often, there’s an abusive background. It’s a means of avoiding emotional intimacy.’
Instinctively, I shake my head. ‘What if he was doing it intentionally? Trying to wear me down?’
‘That’s what we need to establish.’ PC Page’s voice is grim. ‘Because that’s what it’s starting to look like. And if he was, the next question has to be why.’
‘I have to ask you something.’ My voice is shaky, unsure how much I should tell them. ‘The woman Matt was seeing …’ I watch PC Page exchange glances with the psychologist. ‘Have you spoken to her?’
After a pause, PC Page nods. ‘We’ve interviewed her, yes.’
‘I imagine she will have said things about me. The way Matt could behave … he could have said anything he wanted to about me – true or false – if it served his purpose.’ I pause for a moment, looking at them. ‘You do realise that, don’t you?’
‘We do understand he was playing with you.’ Dana sounds reasonable. ‘Did you have any idea that there were other women?’
Leaning forward, I sigh, for the first time being completely honest – with the police, as well as with myself. ‘I suppose, once or twice I did have suspicions, but I told myself I was imagining it. I really couldn’t bring myself to believe that Matt would do something like that. When he was the same as he always was towards me, and with the wedding coming up, I was convinced I’d made a mistake.’
Dana’s quiet for a moment. ‘It must have been so hard for you. I think the fact that he managed to carry off this double life, shows the extent to which he’d been manipulating you.’
Leaning forward, I rest my head in my hands. ‘It sounds weak, but I couldn’t acknowledge that he was mistreating me. I kept asking myself, was it really so bad? No relationships are easy all the time but I thought he loved me. If I’d challenged him, it would have meant the end of our wedding, of the future we’d planned …’ My voice is uneven. ‘I’d been on my own for so long. When I met him, I was so happy … There was a lot that was good in our relationship and that’s what I focused on. It’s what I do when things are painful. It’s a way I’ve learned to block them out.’
‘I can understand why you’d do that.’ Dana’s voice is kind, but there’s an edge to it. ‘But this is a police investigation. Right now, it’s crucial you tell us everything.’
Chapter Thirty-Two
The following morning, when I’m taken back to the interview room, I ask for a moment with my solicitor.
‘I’ve been here three days. How much longer can they keep me here?’
Andrew Nelson looks uncomfortable. ‘If they have reasonable evidence to incriminate you in the case of Mr Roche’s disappearance, they can charge you and remand you in custody until the case comes to trial.’
As he speaks, blood drains from my face. ‘But they can’t do that. I haven’t done anything.’
He sighs. ‘Unless they’ve found new evidence, I don’t think they will keep you much longer. I will request that you are allowed to leave, but it’s impossible to guess what they’ll say to that.’ As he finishes speaking, footsteps come closer, then the door of the interview room opens.
‘Good morning.’ PC Page sits opposite me, DI Lacey next to her.
Before either of them can say anything, Andrew Nelson speaks up. ‘In the absence of a body being found, and unlessyou have further evidence to the contrary, my client would like me to voice very strongly on her behalf her objection that she is being held when she is clearly innocent.’
‘Noted.’ It’s all PC Page says, glancing at the notes in front of her before turning to me. ‘As it happens, we do have such evidence. Since we’ve been holding you, we’ve uncovered a potential murder weapon at the back of the drawer in your workshop table, buried under various garden items – old trowels and secateurs, packets of seeds, brown string, that sort of thing. It’s a knife, part of quite a new set in your kitchen that someone had obviously tried to clean but not well enough. As well as finding your fingerprints, there was a microscopic amount of blood on it, of the same type as Mr Roche’s. This, added to the fact that Mr Roche is still missing, a person who according to several witness accounts described you as unstable, who was frightened of what you were capable of, a man who tried to help you but whose help you repeatedly refused, I’d say the picture is getting clearer.’
Of course the knife has my fingerprints on it. Everything in my workshop does. But as she speaks, my fear escalates. Suddenly I’m terrified. They really believe they have proof I killed Matt. My body starts to shake. ‘Have you found him?’
‘Not yet. But I can’t imagine it will be much longer. We still have one or two leads to follow up.’
I stare from one to the other. ‘How can you accuse me of murder when there’s no body?’
