But I’m frowning. ‘What do you mean? About him having a past?’ How come Lara knows more about it than I do?
‘For a while, there were a lot of women in his life. All casual …’
‘Hold on a minute …’ My mind is racing as I work out what she’s saying. Matt’s never mentioned any of this. I frown at her. ‘How do you know about this?’
Looking awkward, her eyes shift slightly. ‘Nothing, really. It was a throwaway comment. I mean, everyone makes mistakes, don’t they?’
Suddenly I see her with a stranger’s eyes, noting her slim figure, her smooth fair hair and radiant skin, as. my brain starts pulling the threads of what I know together, in some warped way, tying knots I can’t untangle. The calls. The way Matt would stop by to see her on his way home from work. He tried it on with Cath. Why not Lara? I stare at her in shock. ‘You and Matt … You have to tell me, Lara. I know you were friends. But was there ever anything more between you?’
A look of horror crosses her face. ‘Of course there wasn’t. I’ve been planning your wedding, Amy. Nothing’s happened between us. Look, you’re upset and it’s not surprising …’
But I interrupt her. ‘You and Matt,’ I repeat, my voice dangerously quiet. ‘I’ve never asked him. I never thought I needed to.’ I shake my head. I have to know. ‘You have to tell me, Lara. It was more than friendship between you, wasn’t it?’
She stares at me, smoothing a long strand of hair behind her ear. When she doesn’t speak, my stomach turns over. It’s like it was with Cath, as suddenly I know. Pushing my chair back, I stand up. ‘How could you?’ I’m rigid, my voice tight as I look at her.
As I watch her face, her eyes shift sideways. ‘It isn’t what you’re thinking.’ She speaks quickly. ‘It happened about a year before he met you. We had a fling. Sex, Amy. Just once. I was one of several women in Matt’s life at that time.’ Lara looks uncomfortable. ‘He made it very clear he wasn’t up for anything more than that. We both knew it was a mistake. Matt and I were only ever meant to be friends.’
It’s like with Cath. I want to believe her. But as I imagine them together, Matt touching her, kissing her, Lara’s long, pale hair against his skin, my suspicions run away with me. ‘It changes things. Can’t you see that?’ My teeth are gritted. If Matt had been honest when we first met, before I let Lara get close to me, before any of this started, maybe I would have felt differently. But finding out now puts a different perspective on it. ‘When you have sex with someone, it changes things. You should have told me. Heshould have told me. Otherwise, it becomes this big secret between the two of you that I don’t share. I thought we were friends and friends are supposed to be honest with each other.’ I break off, upset. ‘I want you to leave.’
For a moment she doesn’t move. Then she stands up. ‘This is insane. You’re overreacting, Amy. As far as Matt and I are concerned, it should never have happened. I’m sure you’re nodifferent. You had sex with people before you met Matt, but it doesn’t demean what exists between you.’
I look at her, filled with disbelief that she doesn’t understand. What happened in my past has no bearing on anyone who’s in my life now. I haven’t lied or kept secrets, the way she and Matt have. It makes all the difference in the world. ‘How am I supposed to know whether I should believe you? For all I know, it wasn’t over. All the time I thought you were helping planourwedding …’ I break off, defeated, my mind running haywire. ‘For all I know, you were trying to sabotage it. How do I know you’re not the other woman who reported Matt missing? Or if it was you he was with that last night?’ Whether it’s the stress or the antidepressants, my head is spinning as I stare at her. I know how irrational I sound, but something stops me believing a word she says.
Lara looks outraged. ‘This really is insane, Amy.’
‘I’ve no idea if it is. That’s the problem.’ As I speak, my hands are shaking. ‘Don’t you see, I can’t tell? I’ve just found out Matt tried it on with another woman – someone I thought was a friend.’ There could be anything in Lara’s past that I don’t know about. How well do I really know her? But I don’t want to. Not now. ‘Surely, on top of everything else that’s happening, you can understand why I feel like this?’ I watch her face for any flicker of compassion, but it doesn’t happen. ‘It’s best you go.’
Lara’s silent for a moment, then she gets up. ‘Amy, please … You’re wrong about this. I’m as worried about Matt as you are. And I’m your friend. I want to help you.’
‘Friend?’ My laugh is hysterical. ‘Friends can trust each other. To find this out now, after so many lies, can’t you understand it’s too much?’
‘I’m so sorry.’ As she picks up her keys, her face is white asa sheet. ‘I thought he was making it up. But I can see now exactly what Matt meant.’
‘What do you mean?’ The blood drains from my face. ‘What exactly did Matt say?’
‘Only that when you were upset, you became irrational.’ Her voice is suddenly deathly calm. ‘I wasn’t going to say anything, but he came round to see me – after one of your rows. He told me …’ Shaking her head, she breaks off. ‘Never mind what he said. He didn’t mention it again. When the wedding was still on, I assumed you’d reached an understanding.’
Her words leave me completely blindsided. ‘And you believed him?’ When I went out of my way to avoid rows, it was another lie. I was never irrational. There were occasional rows, but they were short-lived. ‘What else did he tell you?’ I demand. But Lara doesn’t answer. As she starts walking towards the door, I follow her. ‘Don’t you think I have a right to know?’
When the police talk to her again, she tells them that Matt had told her I was unstable. That once, I became so aggressive towards him, he was frightened for his life. That my thoughts were irrational and I’d been aggressive towards her, too. She doesn’t tell them how she and Matt had been keeping a secret from me.
At the door, she stops, then turns to face me. ‘I’d be careful, Amy, if I were you. You need to calm down. If you carry on like this, no-one’s going to believe anything you say to them.’
She walks out, closing the door hard behind her. Seconds later, I hear her car start, listening as she revs the engine and drives away. Though my face is a mask of calm, underneath my emotions are boiling. She has no right to suggest my behaviour is in any way unreasonable. And it might have been just a fling between her and Matt, but that isn’t the point.
After she’s gone, I angrily pull on my coat and go outside. Looking across the garden towards the Downs, my breath freezes in small clouds and my anger starts to dissipate. Glancing down, I take in tiny white cyclamen unfurling, their leaves still coated in frost, as a tentative sense of calm comes back. Maybe I did overreact. Maybe I shouldn’t have spoken so angrily, or accused Lara of having an affair with Matt. Maybe it was just a fling – I’ve no way of knowing. But whichever way I look at it, I come back to one fact. Both of them lied.
But it isn’t her I’m angry with. It’s Matt. It was him who’d always been so adamant that we should tell each other everything, that there should be no secrets between us. It’s further proof I’d rather not have, of how one-sided our relationship was, of my commitment versus his betrayal, my honesty and his lies, as he kept things from me. It’s like I ask the police next time we talk,what else didn’t I know?
*
My afternoon is interrupted by a call from PC Page. ‘We’ve found his phone.’
Chapter Thirteen
The faintest of hopes flickers, that at last there will be answers. But if they have his phone, where is Matt?
‘Where was it?’ I say urgently to PC Page.
