‘Of course. I shouldn’t have bothered you.’ I feel like an idiot again and wish I could rewind my day by five minutes and not shout out to her. I should be visiting Matthew right now, not standing here talking to Jenna.
‘It’s OK. You don’t have to keep apologizing.’
‘Sorry.’ I shake my head. ‘It’s a habit.’ We share a smile and I don’t feel so bad now.
‘I’m sure you must be worried about your brother. I was just up in intensive care, actually,’ she says, and something in her face changes. She looks so pale in the sunlight, highlighting the dark circles under her eyes. ‘Matthew has been brought out of the induced coma.They wouldn’t do that if there wasn’t significant improvement with his brain injury. Have you seen Matthew’s doctor in intensive care?’
I nod, thinking of the portly Dr Daghestani who came to check on Matthew on Saturday just as Nick wanted to leave. ‘Yes, but I didn’t really understand what he was telling me. And he was in such a rush that I didn’t feel I could ask him stuff.’
‘What kind of stuff?’
‘Like, will he remember things, from the past, I mean?’ In the distance, a siren whoops. The sound hits me hard, like it always does. A memory slips out of its hiding place. Giant orange life-of-their-own flames, smoke as black as coal, and the police officer holding me back.
‘Every brain injury is different,’ Jenna says, her voice cutting through the images clogging up my head. ‘And I’m not an expert, but I think it’s going to be a case of wait and see. The drugs they’ve given him need to leave his system, so it could be a while before they can assess his cognitive function.’
‘Of course. I’m sor— I mean, thank you.’ We smile again at my slip.
‘It’s really no trouble, Sophie.’
Jenna walks away in the direction of the car park and I move too, forcing myself towards the hospital and Matthew’s bedside.
The siren blasts again from somewhere on the road and I hear the policeman’s voice in my head.‘Where was your brother when the fire started, Sophie?’
An hour later I unlock the door to the apartment and head straight towards the bathroom for a shower, almost missing Nick sitting silently on the sofa.
‘Where have you been?’ Nick drags out each word as he stands.
‘Hi. I just went for another run.’ I take in the set of his jaw, the quiet fury, and a fear sweeps through me.You weren’t supposed to be here.
‘In thirty-four-degree heat. Of course you did.’ Nick swallows, his Adam’s apple jutting out with the movement.
‘I thought you were working until seven.’ It’s a stupid thing to say, like I was trying to hide stuff from him. I am, but I don’t want Nick to think that.
‘I would’ve been,’ he hisses, ‘but then the police came to see me. Apparently someone told them that I don’t get on with Matthew and so they wanted to know where I was on Thursday afternoon. They think I pushed him under the bus. I tried to call you but once again you didn’t pick up.’
‘My phone was on silent. I was visiting Matthew. I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘What did you tell them?’
Nick rubs his hands over his face before looking up at me. ‘I panicked and just wanted them to go away, so I told them I was home with you.’
‘But you weren’t.’ I keep my voice even while inside a storm rages.What the hell did you say that for?I want to scream.
‘I know that, Sophie, but I didn’t think.’ Nick stands and moves towards me. ‘Can you tell them we were here together going through the rota?’
My head jerks up and down in a fast nod as Nick reaches out and pulls me into his arms. I’ve never seen Nick scared before. There’s a danger to it I don’t want to think about. ‘Of course I will.’
You coward, Soph.
‘Good. Now, I’ve got to get back to work,’ he says,his anger vanishing. ‘I’m going out with some friends later and won’t be back until late,’ he calls over his shoulder as he walks to the front door.
I don’t shout after him. I don’t ask who he’s seeing. I don’t ask him where he really was on Thursday. Nick is the one who likes to ask the questions, not me. But it’s not the questions that worry me. It’s the answers.
I’m shaking all over by the time I step into the bathroom. I stand under the spray of the power shower, but for the first time there is no joy at being in this apartment. All I feel is trapped again in a life I don’t want.
Chapter 25
Jenna
My head is spinning when I drive out of the hospital. The photos of me and the ones of Rachel flash in my thoughts and every time they do I feel your hand grabbing me. All I want to do is collect Beth and Archie and take them home, bolt the door and never leave again.
