‘Everything I told him was true.’
‘Yes, but the way you said it is not how we operate here. We’ve spoken to Mr Shorter and appeased the situation. I don’t think he’ll be making a complaint.’ Nancy’s words suck the anger right out of me.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say again, my tone softer this time as I drop my head and stare at the floor. ‘It’s just … I let it get to me today.’
‘You’ve been through an awful lot in the past year and I hope you’ve found the hospital has done its best to support you.’
‘I have. And you should know that the police know who my stalker is now. He can’t get to me any longer, so the harassment is over. I’m ready to focus on my job.’ I stop myself from saying any more and hope Nancy doesn’t ask any questions about you. I doubt she would be pleased to learn that I treated you.
‘I know.’
‘You do?’ I lift my face and try to hide my surprise. How does she know about you? And more importantly, how much does she know?
‘Yes, and while I’m relieved to hear it, my concern is that today’s outburst indicates that you are under an undue amount of stress. I’d like to refer you to occupational health to see if there is anything we can do to help you.’
I nod. ‘OK. Thank you.’
‘Also, how would you feel about taking some time off? It’s not a suspension,’ she’s quick to add. ‘But I do think you would benefit from a break from work. Just for a week or so. Spend it with your children and enjoy this glorious weather.’
‘I think that’s a bit extreme.’ I try to wrap my head around what Nancy is saying. What would my weekeven look like without work, without the buzz, the distraction?
‘Are you aware that your colleagues are concerned about you?’
‘No. Who?’
‘It doesn’t matter who, Jenna. I’m trying to make you see that today was not an isolated incident. You haven’t been yourself for some time.’
My face flushes hot. The skin on my neck and chest burn too. I don’t know what to say.
‘Have you spoken to anyone about what’s been happening to you?’
‘I’ve spoken to the police.’ It’s not what she means and we both know it.
‘There are victim support agencies out there who can help you.’
‘I know.’ And I do. But I hate the word victim. I know it’s what I am, what you’ve made me, but I hate it.
We sit in silence for a moment but in the end I relent. What choice do I have? ‘There’s still an hour left on my shift. Do you want me to—’
She shakes her head. ‘Go home now. You’ll get a call from someone on the occupational health team within the next week. Why don’t we arrange to meet again in a week’s time and see how you’re feeling? Of course, I’m at the end of the phone anytime, if you need me.’
There is nothing left to do but agree. A numbness takes over as I slip out of her office and head for my locker. I don’t know if I’m angry or relieved.
All I know for sure is that this is your fault. Totally and completely. I hate you for what you’ve stolen from me. I hate you for shrinking me down into a fearful, timid creature I don’t recognize.
Chapter 22
Jenna
As I collect my bag from my locker I check the time. It’s four p.m. Stuart will be at his desk now, using the final hours of quiet on the building site to complete paperwork. What will he make of my leave? I can’t get my head around it. Have people really been so concerned about my abilities as a doctor that they’ve spoken to Nancy behind my back? Who would do that?
Beth and Archie will be playing in the garden at Christie’s house. I imagine the surprise on their faces when I collect them early. I wonder if they’ll be happy to see me or annoyed I’m interrupting their fun. In my current state it’s hard not to think that they’d be better off with Christie than with me, their own mother. The guilt lodges in the pit of my stomach, digging in its spikes.
They’ve watched their mother disappear over the last year.
It’s that final thought that makes me weave through the patients and visitors milling by the main entrance, grab a can of Red Bull from the shop, and make myway up the four flights of stairs to intensive care. I can’t move on, I can’t feel safe until you’re dead or in prison. I have to know who you are and why you chose me. I have to make sure it never happens again.
I’m going to open your phone and see what’s on it.
