‘No. At least not at a time like this.’
‘You’re just the opposite of me. When it’s quiet and my mind is filled with the beauty of nature, like now, I can’t help thinkingof the things I love most. I think of my father, my mother and my younger sisters at home, where everything was so happy and peaceful. I think of life ten years ago when we were all living together, and I think of my own life then, a life that was full of hope and happiness. You’re very hard-hearted, you know, Nopporn, not to miss it at all at times like these.’
I wanted to answer, and almost did, that in her presence, in the presence of such charm and riveting beauty, I never thought of anything else and would have found it difficult to be able to. I dared not say this out loud, because I myself was still not clear why I had such thoughts. ‘I’m not hard-hearted at all, but I have to take my studies seriously. Besides, if I may speak quite frankly, right now I’m enjoying being of service to you.’ What it was that made me give voice to my true feelings, I do not know.
‘Such fine-sounding words!’ I looked the other way. ‘How many more years,’ she continued, ‘do you have to study?’
‘About five years. Once I’ve finished my studies, I intend to find a job here for a while, so as to get some experience.’
‘That’s a long time. You might end up becoming Japanese. Perhaps you’ll marry one of those Japanese girls you admire so much and settle down here.’
‘Oh, that’s impossible,’ I was quick to counter. ‘It’s true I do admire Japanese progress and Japanese women, too, but that wouldn’t make me become Japanese. I never forget, even for one moment, that I’m Thai, and that I’m part of a Thai nation that still lags far behind other countries. The reason I’ve come here to study is to seek progress for Thailand. My ultimate destination therefore lies in Thailand. And marriage, too.’
The fact that I mentioned marriage was because Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s remarks had reminded me of the girl who was my fiancée. Yes, that’s right. She was merely my fiancée, whom my father had chosen for me, as insurance that I would return and marry her, or at least as a warning to me not to get involvedwith women in Japan. Since she was only my fiancée, and not a girl I loved, when I thought about her, I did not actually think of the girl herself, but rather of what married life would mean to me in the future.
‘Your ambitions are very praiseworthy,’ she said sincerely. ‘You have two major things awaiting your attention in Thailand, work and marriage. What plans have you made?’
‘I intend to specialize in banking because, as far as I know, there are still very few people in Thailand who are interested in it. So that’s where my future profession probably lies. As far as marriage is concerned, I have absolutely no plans. I think it’s too big a matter to get involved in at the moment.’
I felt a little uneasy at not having told Mom Ratchawong Kirati, quite clearly, that the reason I had no plans on that subject was because the plans had already been made. Unless something unforeseen occurred, I would have to marry my fiancée, whom I scarcely knew and for whom I, as yet, felt neither love nor understanding. I do not know why I did not tell Mom Ratchawong Kirati. Was I trying to conceal it from her? I am not really sure. However, I did not lie to her, nor tell her something that was untrue. Perhaps I was not trying to hide anything from her, because I had not been asked whether I had a fiancée waiting for me in Thailand. But suppose she had asked, how would I have answered? My heart was pounding.
‘You’ve got a wise head on such young shoulders,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati said when I had finished speaking.
Our rowing boat, meanwhile, was drifting gently in the middle of the lake. I picked up the oars and propelled it forwards. I was in a state of some agitation and wanted some movement which might prompt a change in the topic of conversation. Our boat was following another one in which there were two girls. They were singing softly in harmony, rowing slowly and gazing up happily at the moonlight.
‘They’re singing nicely,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati remarked quietly. ‘They seem quite caught up in the song. It must be a very appealing one. Can you translate the words for me?’
‘It’s a song of consolation, not of love,’ I told her when the two girls had ended their song, ‘telling you to be content with your lot in life. It says that if we’re not cherry blossoms, we shouldn’t resent being another kind of flower; all we should ask is that we might be the most beautiful of our kind. There is only one Mount Fuji, but all other mountains are not without their worth. Even if we’re not samurai, may we be the followers of samurai. We can’t all be captains, because without sailors a ship won’t sail. Even if we can’t be the road, let us be the pavement. In this world there are jobs and work, big or small, for everyone, but we’ll have a job or work to do, for sure. If you can’t be the sun, then be a star. Even if you weren’t born a boy, don’t feel slighted at being born a girl. Whatever you may be, be it, no matter what it is. The important thing is we should be it to the best of our ability, regardless of what it is.’
‘It’s a song of consolation with a very valuable message,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati murmured when I had finished. ‘And you translated it very nicely. I’d like to hear it again. The pair of them seemed to be enjoying it so much when they were singing it.’
‘I see that you seem to be enjoying everything here in Tokyo,’ I continued after we had passed their boat. ‘Can you tell me why it is you’re so happy?’
‘Anything beautiful makes me happy. But then again, I tend to see beauty in almost everything. Just take the surface of the water with its small ripples around the edge. I love beauty because it arouses beautiful feelings.’
‘In that case, you’d really enjoy it if you went to stay somewhere like Nikko, where the natural scenery is beautiful.’
‘You’re right, I really would. I’d like to go to Nikko, to see the waterfalls and the moonlight shining down on the mountainlakes. I’d like to go to a seaside district, too, and watch boys and girls swimming and walking along the beach, laughing and giggling together. I heard Chao Khun mention that he’d take me to these places soon. There’s no doubt I’d really enjoy it.’ She clasped her hands together and rested her chin upon them, a smile crossing her face as her eyes darted back and forth. ‘I’d like to go to Europe, too,’ she murmured dreamily. ‘I’d like to go and see new kinds of beauty. I’d like to visit England and France in winter. I’d cross over to Switzerland and then go on to Norway to see the midnight sun. And I’d end my trip in Italy, spending most of my time in Rome and Florence, where I could admire the paintings of Raphael, Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo, the three great masters.’
‘You must be an artist, then?’
‘I love art. I spend time practising drawing.’
‘Oh, I didn’t know!’ I exclaimed with a mixture of surprise and delight. ‘No wonder. You find beauty in everything, and you look at everything in such detail. You never mentioned it.’
‘That’s because I was afraid of your flattery. Besides, my level of ability is nothing to boast about.’
‘How long have you been drawing?’
‘For several years now. At least five or six. Since I first began to feel lonely.’
‘If you were to go to Italy and see some good examples and get some proper tuition, maybe you’d become very famous, like those three masters.’
‘There you go again,’ she scolded me, and frowned. ‘Don’t try to make me forget myself, Nopporn. I have to keep my feet on the ground if I’m going to remain able to talk to you. I draw because I really love art. Besides, I have my own special reason. By directing my interest to something, it greatly helps to ease my loneliness, calm my mind and eliminate fanciful thoughts. Have you ever considered that mental activity is like physicalactivity? There’s a constant flow of movement, except when we’re asleep. It’s part of our nature, that whenever we do something, we always have to think about it. We never stop. If we tried to be completely still, it would be like torture. You can try it now. Keep your hands still and sit perfectly still without moving any part of your body and without thinking about anything at all. You’ll find it very uncomfortable. When you move, your movements are either beneficial to you, or not beneficial, or actually harmful. It’s the same with our thoughts. If we don’t think in a way which is beneficial, then we’re thinking in a way which is not beneficial or which is actually harmful. Since our minds are perpetually active, I think that if we can find a distraction which is useful and which continually absorbs our thoughts, then life won’t be worthless and we ourselves will be able to enjoy our lives to a greater or lesser extent, regardless of our position. It’s no good just letting our thoughts wander; that way we tend to end up feeling bored with life. Women in my position need a lot of things to help them in this regard. If I had nothing useful to think about, I would certainly think about useless or harmful things. It’s only natural. And I can say that, since I developed a love of art, art has become my good friend, too. I’ve been going on too long. You must be bored.’
‘It’s been most enjoyable listening to you,’ I said quite sincerely. ‘I’d like to – but why is it that when I offer sincere compliments, it frightens you? Or is it my sincerity which frightens you?’
‘You’ve answered all your questions. Is there anything else you want me to answer?’
