‘Am I asking too much?’ I enquired politely.
‘No, not at all. But very few people would have asked me that. You’re good at thinking up questions, because even I don’t seem to have ever given thought to what I have to make me happy.’ She paused and thought for a moment. ‘When I think about it,’ she continued, ‘I can’t help feeling surprised at myself, because my greatest happiness in the past, rather than being something real which had happened to me, was merely a hope, or an anticipation of something. My life now is no different. Real happiness drifts along ahead of me, and I just chase along behind, snatching at it and hoping and waiting.’
‘It seems like an exhausting life,’ I remarked sympathetically.
‘What can I do, Nopporn? The powers that be in this worldhave determined that my life shall be like this. No matter how I struggle, I can’t escape, so I have to face up to my fate. Your life is worth more than mine and runs a smoother course than mine. In yours, there are only real things. You derive pleasure from situations that happen, and when one situation has passed, you forget it completely, and move on to new situations and new pleasures. That’s the way it goes, constantly changing. My life is confused and blurred. Sometimes I think of happiness, it’s true, but not in any clear or definite way. It’s like a dream floating above my head. Sometimes I manage to catch hold of it. Other times it slips through my grasp. Sometimes I enjoy myself, sometimes I feel worn out. That’s the way my life is, and that’s what I intended to tell you. But it would be hard for you to understand.’
‘It’s a strange, sad life, and it’s not easy to understand, either,’ I murmured sincerely. ‘Now that you’re well off, why don’t you use your wealth to make your hopes come true? Then you’d be happy.’
‘Money is powerful, it’s true, Nopporn, but it’s not everything. As it happens, what I have been hoping for and anticipating is not something that can be obtained through the power of money. This is my great misfortune.’ At this point, Mom Ratchawong Kirati rose. ’There you are, Nopporn, let me end my story there. It’s more boring than interesting. I want to hear about you, now. We’ll take a little walk, and while we’re doing so, please tell me what you’ve been doing. After that, we’ll go inside, and I hope you’ll stay and have dinner with me this evening, so I’ll have the chance to hear about everything in detail.’
I complied with her wishes. There was not much time for a walk before dusk fell. As we walked side by side through the extensive gardens, there was nothing to interrupt the mood. We were alone together in the stillness, in an atmosphere which ought to have evoked the intense feelings of six years earlier. But surprisingly, my feelings were not in the least affected. It was notthat Mom Ratchawong Kirati had lost her former charm and beauty. Indeed, I could still discern these quite clearly, but with admiration alone, and without emotional involvement.
I stayed to dinner and talked with her until nine o’clock, when I left. She told me that an aunt and a niece lived with her, but as it happened, they had both gone to visit relatives that day and would perhaps stay overnight with them. Thus it was that I spent altogether four hours alone with Mom Ratchawong Kirati. I enjoyed myself all the time I was with her, telling her about what I had been doing, and listening to what had been happening to her, without a moment’s boredom. At the dining table, the two of us ate and chatted under a bright lamp for over an hour. I noticed that Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s forty years were beginning to show in the wrinkles that appeared in places on her beautiful skin. But in her manner and conversation, she had not changed at all from the Mom Ratchawong Kirati of old, sweet and charming as ever. While she was busy serving the food, I could not help but recall the kindness she had shown me in the past. Yet all I remembered was that she was like an older sister to me. I felt no passionate turmoil, as I might once have done.
Throughout those four hours, I could not fathom what Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s purpose in life was.
18
Because I was occupied with work, two months or so passed before I went to visit her again. My father informed me that he had made arrangements for my wedding to take place in three months’ time. Once I knew the date of the wedding, I thought it my duty to inform Mom Ratchawong Kirati as a matter of courtesy. On my second visit, she received me in the living-room, but even so, there was no one to disturb us or interrupt our conversation.
Although Mom Ratchawong Kirati had not intended to show her disappointment at the two months’ interval I had allowed to pass between my first and second visits, I could see clearly from the very beginning of our conversation just how disappointed and saddened she felt that I had behaved differently from the way she had expected. However, I was unaware of the cause of such feelings. Whether her feelings of good will towards me were deeper than I realized, or something else, it was beyond my comprehension.
Despite what I noticed about Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s feelings, I made no reference to the matter, as I had no wish to make the excuse of not being able to come and see her often because of being tied up with various matters. Such an excuse might merely have made her feel more bitter, so I did not let on that I was aware of her disappointment. After we had chatted for a while, I brought up the matter I had come to tell her about.
‘I’ve got some news, Khunying.’
‘I hope it’s very good news for you. It must be to do with some promotion at work.’ She awaited my reply eagerly.
‘No. It is good news, but nothing to do with work. I’m sure you’d be pleased if I were to be getting married soon.’ I noticed that she looked slightly stunned, perhaps because she was not expecting such news.
‘You’re getting married?’ she repeated uncertainly. ‘It’s the lady who went to meet you the day you arrived in Bangkok, isn’t it?’
‘Oh, so you knew about us all along, then?’
‘No, I had no idea. I just guessed. Have you known each other long?’
‘She’s my fiancée.’
‘Since when?’ Instead of glowing with happiness, Mom Ratchawong Kirati looked astonished.
‘Seven or eight years ago. A little before I left for Japan.’
‘But all the time I knew you in Tokyo, you never said a thing about your fiancée to me.’ Her voice registered even more astonishment.
‘Maybe that was because I wasn’t in the least bit interested in the engagement myself.’
‘And now you’ve resigned yourself to marrying a lady whom you’ve never been interested in.’
‘It’s my father’s wish, and I have no objections. The fact is, she’s an educated lady and from a suitable background. Marriage will give my life a more solid base than I have at present.’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati looked at me for a moment before she spoke, with a look that was difficult to interpret. ‘You haven’t told me your fiancée’s name yet.’
‘It’s Pree. Pree Buranawat.’
‘A pretty girl, a pretty name.’ She smiled absent-mindedly. ‘I do congratulate you.’
She held her hand out to me and, at the same time, I said, ‘You’re the first to congratulate me.’
