‘I’m sorry about your husband,’ he suddenly said. ‘You’re so young to be…’
I was used to people trailing off when they talked about this.
‘Widowed,’ I supplied. ‘Yes. And thank you. He had a bacterial infection that got complicated, so it was very unexpected. I was looking after him at home and then he took a turn for the worse. By the time we got him into hospital, there wasn’t much anyone could do.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Nick repeated. ‘It must have been tough nursing him.’
I put down my mug and removed the needle from Steve’s back, then started packing away the bits and pieces, glad of something to keep my hands busy.
‘It was,’ I replied. ‘Very. I was glad to be with him, but when my help wasn’t enough, well…’
Now, it was my turn to trail off. I had probably said enough, anyway. The warm kitchen in the early hours of the morning with the three of us there was a safe little bubble, and it would have been easy to pour my heart out. Instead, I changed the subject.
‘When are Astrid and India leaving for Texas?’
‘In the new year. You said – you said that you didn’t think she wants to move.’
I looked at him sheepishly.
‘I’m sorry, it wasn’t up to me to say that.’
‘No, I’m glad you did. I’ve been so focused on my own feelings about them leaving… I know Marilise won’t be hereforever’ – his voice cracked, then he took a deep breath to continue – ‘and now Sofia’s here and she’s so sweet, but she’ll go back to Victoria. Steve is my only constant, but earlier today – well, yesterday, I suppose – I thought I was going to lose him as well.’
‘Everybody leaves.’
He looked up, his eyes hollow.
‘Exactly.’
‘And you’re trying to get a handle on that by being the one who leaves first, as if that will stop it hurting. Aren’t you punishing them, and shortening even further the time you have together?’
‘But they’re leaving me!’ he exclaimed. ‘I’m making it easier. I don’t want to hang around being a nuisance to people. I had enough of that with my father. That was always the easiest way to get his approval: stay away as much as possible.’
His voice was bitter, and I couldn’t blame him.
‘But the family is here at Lyonscroft now,’ I said. ‘They love you. That supersedes however much of a nuisance you are.’
‘My father certainly didn’t,’ he said. ‘He didn’t want me at all, other than to inherit. He just had to get me to eighteen, and it was easier to outsource that to schools and nannies.’ He spoke in a casual, almost offhand way, but the whiteness of his knuckles as his fingers tensed into a fist betrayed his hurt. ‘I suppose it might have been better if my mother hadn’t died; maybe she loved me, but I don’t know.’
Another one who left him, I thought, but I didn’t speak, and neither did he, for a moment. When he did, the detachment had drained from his voice.
‘Iknow,’ he said fiercely. ‘IknowI’m being childish and that I’m lashing out before they can hurt me, but it’s useless, isn’t it? I mean, the hurt’s still there.’ The fist sprang open and he slappedhis hand down, making me jump. His voice softened. ‘How does one cope? How did you cope when your husband died?’
I laughed drily.
‘I’m not sure you should be learning lessons from me.’
‘What do you mean? You seem so… together.’
‘I’m not,’ I said, looking up at him, finally. His face had lost all trace of its customary humour, or of the pain that had twisted it just now, and instead taken on a sincerity that was hard to resist. For the first time in three years, I wanted to pour my heart out. Maybe it was meeting another person who struggled with risking their heart, who was wounded by loss, who had shown me their vulnerability.
‘I’m not. Together, that is. I’ve not been so very different from you. Since Paulo died, I’ve spent my time moving from house to house, always working and living in the short term. I’ve slapped down a boundary that says no one gets close, gets in, and I’ve covered it all with an unarguably noble veneer of helping others.’
‘What about your family?’
‘My family means well,’ I said. ‘But they’re not very… sensitive.’
‘So, you avoid them?’ I shrugged. ‘You’re punishing them, even though they love you?’
