I shook my head.
‘It’s all right. It’s all just a bit embarrassing.’
‘Not embarrassing. Life.’
I continued, ‘So, I’m feeling happy…I suppose that’s what’s worrying me. I think Alexander is – lovely. And yes, I do fancy the pants off him.’
‘But?’
‘But…’ I stopped, feeling awful about what I wanted to say. I looked up at Constance’s plain, intelligent, calm face and felt encouraged. What I had to say next came out in a rush. ‘It’s Theo. He’s a great little boy, but I’ve always had major reservations about becoming a mother. I just think I’d be terrible at it, especially with a child as sensitive as Theo. And I’ve never been that interested in serious relationships at all, let alone with men who have kids. I know it’s ridiculously early where Alexander is concerned to be saying this stuff.’
I stopped abruptly and stared miserably into what was left of my pie. I braced myself for the usual:you’ll come round to motherhood, give it time;how can you not want children, you’ll love it once you do;aren’t you jumping the gun a bit, it was one kiss?But Constance was different.
‘I can see your dilemma, and you’re right to think about it now. There are plenty of hearts to be broken if things develop with Alexander. As far as deal breakers go, it’s a biggie. With my most sensible of sensible hats on, I’d advise you to stop this thing before it has properly started. Alexander comes with Theo, it’s non-negotiable.’ I nodded, feeling tears pushing at the back of my eyes. ‘Deep breaths,’ instructed Constance, draining her glass. ‘I’m going to get another of these – do you mind driving my car back?’
I shook my head and grabbed the opportunity of her going to the bar to take the breaths. I started to feel better, and more ready for the most difficult part of my admissions, yet to come. Constance returned, placing a glass in front of both of us.
‘I’ve ordered pud as well, two different ones so just take what you like when it comes, or I’ll tackle both if you don’t want anything.’
An unexpected bubble of laughter erupted from my mouth, and she looked at me quizzically.
‘Sorry! I’m all about the puddings, so I’m afraid you’ll only get one. I was only laughing because having lunch with you is a very different experience from having lunch with Mum.’
She raised an eyebrow.
‘I’m sure. Couldn’t live like that myself, but we do what we have to do. Being a glamorous celebrity comes with some upkeep, I imagine.’
‘Just a bit!’
‘I’m much happier scrabbling around in a muddy field and enjoying puddings, myself, but it takes all sorts. Ah, here they are.’
I chose the apple pie with custard, while Constance had the sticky toffee pudding. We ate for a moment in silence, and then she said, ‘So, finish the story. I know there’s more.’
‘There is more. The hardest bit. The thing is, that after all these years of feeling one way and being perfectly happy…I think my feelings are changing. And I don’t know how I feel about that. I haven’t done some massive one-eighty: I’m not about to start baking and knitting baby bootees. It’s more that it feels like a little window has opened somewhere in me, that I could contemplate…’
‘You’re changing.’
‘Yes.’ I busied myself for a moment, scraping my bowl. ‘That’s what it feels like, but is it true? Can one change so suddenly, and in such a big way?’
‘We do change, and there’s no shame in that. We should embrace it, not fight it, but of course it can feel slippery and terrifying, so of course we run scared. And these changes thatfeel so huge, well, often they’re pretty much in line with who we already are, even if they don’t feel that way.’ I looked at her curiously, not sure what she meant. ‘There are plenty of ways to skin a cat, my dear. Motherhood doesn’t automatically equal a love of baking and flowery aprons. If it does come to you, you’ll do it your own way, and that won’t be any better or any worse, but it will be the best thing for any child involved – that you just be yourself. Look at me: hardly the catalogue version of a mummy, but I loved it, deeply, still do. Had to bat off a few opinions along the way, but that’s true of everything in life.’
‘But that’s it!’ I burst out. ‘Being any sort of mother is fine, but the loving it deeply bit. How do you guarantee that? How do you know you’ll be able to be selfless, to give the child what they need?’
‘Being selfless and giving a child what they need are not necessarily the same thing. An exhausted, resentful, frustrated parent is no good to anyone. But you muddle through and do your best and make mistakes and try to sort them out. I suppose you’re thinking about Jacqueline?’
‘Yes. I understand what she was doing with her career, and why, and I appreciate that, I do, but I felt so unwanted and even now she still always makes me feel like I’m not good enough. She’s always trying to upgrade me in some way. What if I do the same? Become a mother and then get bored with the whole thing?’
For a moment or two, Constance regarded me in silence. Finally, she said, ‘I can see why you’re worried. But we don’t have to repeat patterns, especially when we recognise them. You already have your life, your identity, your success. From what I know about the situation, Jacqueline was very young when she had you and was still chasing those things. It’s very different. And she loves you, you know, very much. She’s just hopelessly clumsy at showing it. But I see her looking at you, see the pridewhen you talk about your work, or when you helped Theo out with the sanctuary. I can see the inner glow she has for you.’
‘Really?’ I spluttered.
She nodded seriously.
‘Really. It doesn’t take away the fact that your childhood wasn’t ideal, but it’s true. I know it might be an impossible ask, Fallon, and this is by no means a directive, but you did ask for my advice…’
She looked at me questioningly.
‘I did. Please say whatever it is.’
