‘Yes, that’s right. It’s time I shook things up. I’m not running away, you know.’
‘I wouldn’t suggest that for a moment. Although people have said the same to me about the Greece plan.’
‘Are you? Running away?’
‘Maybe. But you can never get away from yourself, can you? And that’s more terrifying than anything. I’m not so lacking in self-awareness that I don’t know I’ll still bemein a charming little rustic cottage in Greece, as much as I’m me here in Dorset and was me in a sticky-floored bar in London.’
He slumped back in his chair and stared at his empty plate.
‘Lando? If you don’t mind me saying…’
He raised a small smile.
‘Go ahead.’
‘TheyouI’ve seen, well, there’s nothing wrong with him. And he sounds very different from theyouthat lived it up in London. Not different so much as a character maybe, but different in his choices. And isn’t that whatmakesthe difference in life? Our choices? I’m not sure you need to force yourself into such a severe lifestyle to protect yourself anymore. Are you so worried that you’ll relapse?’
‘Not really. I feel more confident now than I ever felt then. That was all bravado and front. But I’m so…wrecked. I don’t have anything to offer – other, maybe, than the art I produce. I had a nervous breakdown, for God’s sake, so I clearly can’t cope. Who needs that in their life? My father has found Daphne, for which I am truly grateful, and I don’t want to inflict myself on anyone else.’
Listening to him, my eyes filled with tears.
‘What’s wrong? You see, I’ve upset you, brought you down. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have invited you here tonight.’
He stood up abruptly and cleared away our plates, then disappeared into the room at the back of the studio again. I was glad of the breathing space to think over my answer, and when he reappeared, I felt more composed. Mind you, that was put in severe jeopardy when he placed a bowl of chocolate mousse decorated with crystallised orange pieces in front of me and poured some dessert wine from a tiny bottle.
‘You haven’t brought me down at all. I’m just so sorry to hear you speaking like this. You’ve got so much to offer – your wonderful talent, your generosity as a host – and you’re brilliant with the twins.’
‘No,’ he said stubbornly, ‘I don’t bring anyone any good. Look at you, saving Caspian’s life today. I couldn’t have done that.’
‘But I could only do that because I’m trained to. That’s luck, not some innate skill or talent. Take a first-aid course if it would make you feel better.’
Thank goodness that made him laugh, because I was beginning to feel worried about how to answer this complicated man, when all I really wanted to do was put my arms around him and tell him everything would be all right. A ringing noise sounded across the room, and I looked up.
‘Sorry,’ said Lando. ‘That’s mine, ignore it. Look, Penny, I’m sorry for being so morose. Thank you for listening to me…’
The mobile rang again, and again Lando made no move to answer it, but continued speaking.
‘Are you sure I haven’t brought you down? This was meant to be a nice supper, not a therapy session.’
‘It is nice. It’s really lovely, thank you. And please don’t worry, I don’t mind these big conversations. Better out than in.’
‘That’s exactly the sort of thing primary school teachers should say. Do you find yourself saying it every day?’
It was good to see that the cloud had lifted and Lando was back to a more cheerful, teasing frame of mind.
‘Yes, that’s right, it’s my go-to phrase in myriad contexts, most of which I’m sure you don’t want to know about.’
The phone rang yet again.
‘Sorry, I think I’d better answer that – someone’s obviously keen to get hold of me and it’s unusual.’
‘Of course.’
He snatched it up.
‘Hello? Oh, hello.’
I was trying not to listen, but it was difficult in the small studio. He sounded rather annoyed with whoever it was.
