CHAPTER1
Feather
My world was agony and darkness, my soul nearly crushed, and my mind filled only with regret. Well, regret and curiosity. And maybe a tiny bit of butthurt.
I was annoyed, and I wasn’t the only one. The mysterious being who still would not tell me his name, after a hundred and fifty years or so of guessing, was in amood. He wasn’t humming, or singing, or even speaking as I floated in the darkness, trying to get used to the suffocating weight of evil I’d carried along with me. The burden he’d talked me into accepting, even if it was to save my life.
I was starting to wonder if the endless, excruciating suffering was worth it, especially if the jerk who’d convinced me this was what I needed to do wasn’t going to sing it all better. Or buy me an invisible beer, or something.
I kept being born and living and dying on Earth, and the choices I made each time were starting to stack up on my soul. I felt filthy, the kind of dirty that came from doing a lot of bad things to save a lot of innocent people. A justifiable murder here and there didn’t seem so awful at the moment. But every time I died and ended up in this weird place, I felt the memories of what I’d done clinging to me like some sort of immovable shell.
Was I evil? Maybe. But at least I wasn’t a jerk like my Mystery Man was being. He wouldn’t even answer my questions today with more than one syllable. That wasn’t stopping me from making expert guesses at his name, though. I’d come up with about a hundred names so far, over the past dozen lifetimes or so, and none of them had been right. But I was going to guess this guy’s name if it was the last thing I did before I was crushed for eternity under the weight of all the evil I carried around.
“Okay, so… Pancimanci?”
“No,” he snapped. The word kind of stung the space where I thought my ears would be, if I hadn’t died and been zapped into the ether until my soul could get its shizz together.
My stomach growled. I’d died hungry, and I hated the feeling. I’d died way too many times from starvation, or while starving, anyway.
“How about Chocolate?” I’d tasted chocolate mixed with honey and vanilla in a past life, and I’d made it a personal goal to have it in as many lives as I could. So far, I’d only had it once. But you never forget your first chocolate, even if you’re crushed under a boulder two minutes later.
He was quiet for a long moment. “That’s not even a name,” he muttered, his voice still sexy-sounding, even if it was curt and angry.
“No, it’s a life goal,” I agreed. “Hot chocolate in a tub the size of a pond, with at least four handsome attendants dipping crystal cups into it, and serving it to me as fast as I can drink. I would be their Queen of Chocolate, and all would worship at my succulent feet.”
He grunted once, then said, “Your feet aren’t succulent. They’re filthy.”
I gathered my energy and sent my foot toward him, hoping to deliver a donkey kick to his gut. If he had a gut. I’d never been able to see the guy, so I wasn’t sure what body parts he might have.
“One more guess. From now on, we’re only doing three guesses.”
“What? No, that’s not fair!” I felt a swirl of panic. His presence was the only thing that kept me from feeling the crushing agony that was this void, or wherever I went between lives on earth.
I guessed he was still mad, not that I’d done anything to cause it.
Three lives ago, I’d finally lived long enough to have… grown-up feelings. Desires. Not that I’d been able to explore them with the boys who helped tend the flocks of the warlord who’d taken over our village. There had been a few sweet guys who’d tried to help me out of my virginity behind the hen houses, but none of them had been able to see it through.
But after I’d come back here, I’d really messed up. I’d told Mystery Man about my failed attempts to have sex. He’d made a disgusted sound and vanished, leaving me to float alone.
Even after he came back, he’d been quiet and weird every time we met in the void place. Had I made him feel uncomfortable? I’d only asked for general details about sex; it wasn’t like I’d asked him to do it with me.
As far as I could tell, I was going to be living crappy life after even crappier life on Earth until the end of time, and I deserved a little fun along with the fudged-up. But I could fit what I knew about sexytimes into my left nipple. Not like…
Wait.I swallowed hard. Maybe Mystery Man hadn’t ever had a sixty-second trip around the maypole of bliss either. Maybe he’d never felt the mystical moment of masturbatory magic, the pounding pleasure pulse of paradise, the teetering tentpole of—holy shizzle sticks.Maybe he didn’t even have a penis.He’d been really cagey about describing himself to me, claiming I’d be disappointed if I knew what his form looked like.
An invisible something landed over my mouth. I was pretty sure it was a hand, though the fingers felt thick. Girthy, even. In my thoughts, my lady parts made a considering sound.Hmmmmm.Did a guy even need a peen with fingers that size?
“I have felt those things and more, little brat. Many times. I’m not the child here.”
And more? Huh.Sounded just like the kind of thing a mysterious virgin would say.
I licked the invisible hand-ish thing until it moved away, and cooed, “Sure you have. I bet all the noncorporeal, nameless beings want to get busy with ya. You’re probably really hot under all that invisibility.” I imagined patting him on the cheek. “Don’t worry, my guy. Someday we’ll both get lucky. Even if you don’t have a penis, those finger things would probably do the?—”
Suddenly, he wasn’t touching me, and the pain came racing back. All the evil that I’d taken on in my last life began to press in on my soul, like it was trying to crush the last little spark of life out of me as fast as it could.
“Help?” I whimpered, sensing him moving ever farther away. He was angry; the darkness practically shivered with it. “I’m sorry I brought up your penis.”
He snapped, “Stop talking about my… about sexual topics. You’re an infant. It’s inappropriate.”
