Mychest aches with how badly this is not whatIfucking want.
Sheclasps her hands under her chin, the knuckles white.
“Okay.”Hervoice cracks. “Timefor me to get out of your world and back to mine.”
Asshe moves toward the door, it’s as if my heart is being pulled from my chest toward her.Mystomach clenches, my head spins.Ican’t hold myself back any longer.
“Rose.”Myhands are on her face beforeIknow whatI’mdoing. “Thishas been amazing.Youare amazing.”
Onetear rolls out of each of her shocked eyes.Istroke them away with the backs of my fingers.
“Yeah.Shamethis would never work.”Shetakes hold of my wrists and pulls them away from her face. “Timefor me to pack.I’llleave in the morning.”
Christ,Idon’t want her to go.Shedoesn’t even have a place of her own yet.
“Wherewill you go?”
“Itook care of myself for a long time beforeImet you.AndI’lltake care of myself for a long time after today.”
Shestares at the floor as she heads toward the door.Withoutlooking back, she says, almost to herself, “I’llfigure it out.”
28
ROSE
Ishut the bedroom door behind me, drop my bag on the floor, and throw myself face-first onto the bed.
EveryemotionI’vebeen stamping on for the last few minutes, in an effort to maintain a brave face, spews out.
Myheart thumps against the covers, my stomach roils, my shaking hands clutch at the comforter.Ihaven’t felt this bad sinceMomdied.Thisis what comes from getting close to someone.It’snever anything but a world of hurt.
Therewas a moment before he started to speak whenIthoughtConnormight have been about to say to hell with whatMaxthinks he should do, what we have together is worth standing firm for, worth the risk of his brothers thinking he’s being disloyal, worth a try, forGod’ssake, just to see if we can figure it out.
AndIwould have said yes.
Asterrified asIam of letting anyone close, of opening myself up to anyone, of letting anyone in, and of being distracted from my studies,Iwould have given it a go for him.
BecauseIthink he’s worth the risk.
Buthe obviously doesn’t thinkIam.
Or, at least, he thinks it’s more important to do what he believes pleases his family.Andthat might be worse.Itbeing over because he doesn’t like me enough would be one thing.ButifImean as much to him as his face saidIdo when we spoke to his parents yesterday and the one reason he’s walking away is because he thinks it’s the only way to be loyal to his parents, brothers, and cousins, well, that’s the saddest thingI’veever heard.
AndI’mnot sure he’s right.Theyall seem perfectly reasonable to me.Well,Maxis a bit pushy, but there’s a good chance they’d all just want him to do whatever makes him happy.
Turningonto my side,Ipull my knees to my chest and curl into the fetal position, my body shrinking in on itself as my stomach churns with nausea.Andno amount of deep breaths seem able to stop my heart from pounding like it’s trying to escape.
Thecomforter is wet with tears and cool against my face asIrock silently against the bed.Imight not be able to stop myself from crying, butIsure as hell am going to do my damnedest to make sure he doesn’t hear what he’s done to me.
Or, rather, whatI’vedone to myself.
HowhaveIallowed myself to get so out of control and so caught up in this man thatIfeel like someone’s wringing me out like a wet rag?
HowhaveIallowed myself to stray so far off the pathIknowIhave to stay on, the path of my goals and dreams and planning for the future with no distractions?
Ihaven’t let myself down or been so disappointed in myself sinceIfailed that first year of college.Andthat was because of a man too.IknowIsaid it then, butI’msaying it again now—never again.Never.Again.
Soreally,Connorjust did me a favor.Hesaved me from myself.Andfor thatIshould be eternally thankful.
