She had simplified it, of course, but that was basically it. “Right.” She sighed and slapped a newly folded napkin onto the pile. “And he knew it.”
Calla leaned forward and put a hand on her forearm. “Do you honestly think he ever would? I mean, really? Do you even think he has it in him?”
Valerie opened her mouth to deny it immediately, then shut it again. What did she think? “I think that I learned how powerless I actually am. It’s not that I think he would or that he wants to. It’s how powerless I am to stop him if he does.”
Calla sat back and stared at her. Finally, she said, “I don’t have your experience. It’s not up to me to say what you should or shouldn’t think or feel. But I will tell you that assigning someone else’s evil to another person isn’t going to help you. There will come a time when you believe that, or else you’re going to just be scared and paranoid the rest of your life.”
Thoughts crashed against each other in her mind. She couldn’t focus on one thing to think about. She quit trying to act busy with her hands and sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. “I don’t want to think that way,” she said quietly. Hot tears pricked her eyes. “I want to be able to relax and enjoy life. I don’t seek out the thoughts.”
Calla immediately stood and rushed to her side of the table. “Oh, honey, I didn’t mean it that way.” She sat in the chair next to her and angled her body toward her, putting an arm over the back of her chair. “I wasn’t criticizing. But, in all these years of therapy you’ve had, you’ve never turned to God with it. Maybe if you relax, open up to Him, you’ll find peace that will settle into your soul. That’s when you will be able to love and be loved without fear.”
She had never tried any counseling that would bring her closer to God. Did it work that way? Did a personal connection exist that would help heal her? She thought about her mother’s journals, about her certainty through everything in life that God talked to her and that He cared about what happened to her. Could she find that, too? How did one go about doing that?
“Maybe you’re right. It seems like I remember something Auntie Rose gave me, some sort of support group through the church. I’ll look that up and see. Maybe they can help me know how to pray and what to pray for.”
“I think that’s perfect.” Calla put a hand on her shoulder. “In the meantime, I’m here if you need me. So is Sami.”
Valerie smiled. “Thank you.”
Following the classroom signs, Valeriemade her way down the church hallway until she came to the right classroom. Nerves danced in her stomach, and she put her hand flat against them as if to quiet them. Letting out a deep breath, she opened the door and stepped inside.
Valerie didn’t know what she expected. Her last experience with a support group for survivors of domestic abuse had taken place in a YMCA community room. Everyone sat in a circle in metal chairs and uncomfortably stared at each other, while a couple people took turns talking about how bad they’d had it. At the time, she felt like it was a giant pity party and a huge waste of her time.
When she walked into this classroom, though, she stopped short, thinking she’d come to the wrong room. Madison Brown and a white woman with curly dark hair stood at a snack table, taking plastic wrap and lids off brownies, veggie trays, and a cheese ball. In another part of the room, two Hispanic looking women talked and laughed, their faces happy and relaxed.
When she walked into the room, Madison left her station and approached her. “Valerie Flynn,” she said warmly, “I had hoped you’d find out about us and join us.”
Of all the things she imagined Madison would say, that did not approach anywhere near the top. “You did?”
Instead of shaking her hand, Madison hugged her then stepped back and turned, keeping an arm around her shoulder. She walked them over to the snacks. “Yes. When you went through what you went through, this whole church was praying for you. The day it all happened, we had a prayer vigil here for you until you came out of surgery.”
They stopped at the table with the food and Madison released her, stepping away and turning to face her. “Of course, we don’t know everything that happened. No one does, and Buddy keeps mostly to himself. But I know some of it. I’ve seen you attending regularly the last few weeks and wanted to invite you but didn’t know how to approach you properly.”
“Wow. I, uh, I’m a little overwhelmed by that.” The thought that the entire church had done that first embarrassed her then provided her with an unexpected sense of security and belonging.
“I imagine you are.” She gestured at the woman who currently unwrapped a stack of small dessert plates. “Crystal, this is Valerie. Crystal is my right-hand with this group. I could not do it without her.”
Crystal put the plates down and put out her hand. “Valerie, welcome.” Her eyebrows drew together. “Flynn. Are you related to Buddy?”
“Yes. I’m his niece.” She looked toward the door as an older black woman came in. “It’s nice to meet you, too,” she said, turning her attention back to Crystal.
Madison gestured to the group across the room. “We’ll all have a chance to get to know each other later. I just want you to feel comfortable here. We have an agreement that nothing that is said here is ever repeated, even to our significant others. It is a safe room.” She looked at her watch. “We’ll give it another few minutes. We’re missing about three regulars.”
Twenty minutes later, Valerie sat in a comfortable wingback chair, a steaming cup of tea in her hand, a plate of strawberries and grapes on the little table next to her. She felt less anxious, more relaxed, and, strangely, safe. Madison had opened them up with prayer, everyone went around the room and introduced themselves, and then Madison started talking.
Valerie listened to every word with rapt attention as Madison talked about the abusive boyfriend in college who had broken her jaw while sexually assaulting her. She talked about going back to him even as she struggled to nourish herself with a jaw wired shut, crying for him to forgive her, putting herself in jeopardy without ever considering leaving.
So many things she said, so many trigger words, resonated with Valerie. Tears fell down her face as Madison related the experience of killing an unborn child to make him happy then waking up one morning as if from a dream and realizing she had nothing right or good or acceptable about her current circumstances.
“It’s easy to sit back on the outside and see what was wrong. I didn’t even know the depths of hell I’d entered until I took myself out of it and went home to my parents.” Madison looked each woman in the eye. “I went to doctors and therapists and groups and nothing fixed me. Not until I let go and forgave myself, forgave him, and let God have His way in my heart. That’s why we’re here tonight, sisters, so that we can help each other, pray for each other, and bring each one of us to a place where God fills even those dark places inside of us that are closed off to Him because we’re ashamed, or scared, or afraid to let go of that darkness.”
She tapped a finger on her chest in the spot over her heart. “I not only had to face God about my circumstances, but the choice I made to end the life of an innocent child He had started to knit in my womb. And you know what?” A tear slid down her cheek. “He forgave me, He loves me, and He wiped that slate clean. Now I have my beautiful Miriam, and every time I look in her face, I feel His love of me as my Father, and I know that the depth of forgiveness I sought actually exists.”
Silence settled over the room for a few moments, then one of the women sitting next to Valerie spoke. “I don’t know how to get beyond the end. I got out. I got help. But my mind won’t let me go. I think about the years lost and the relationships I let fade all in the name of trying to make a man who hated himself and hated me love me.” A sob ripped from her chest. “How do I make that go away?”
Oh, how much she knew what this woman felt and thought and feared! Valerie could not stop the tears from falling from her eyes. Madison walked over to the woman and knelt next to her chair. “You can’t do anything except forgive yourself, forgive him, and turn to God. There are no wasted years. There are no wasted relationships. God’s word tells us that He’ll take even the bad things and make them good. His love is infallible. When you are able to trust Him enough to accept that love, then you will start to feel His work inside of you.”
She stood and walked over to a whiteboard. “I’m going to go over some verses with you that will help all of us see what I’m talking about.”
