Instead of taking another Uber, I chose to walk. It was a warm summer day, but it wasn’t too humid. And I felt like I needed the time to clear my head. Take the time to think and figure a few things out. Along the way, I stopped at a small store and grabbed a bouquet of roses and a bottle of water. When I arrived at the cemetery, I found my way to Trish’s grave.
“Hey Trish.”
Guilt hit me hard at how long it had been since I had visited. It had been over six months, if not longer. In the beginning, I was here every day. Bringing fresh flowers, crying, and talking to my late wife because I was so lost. How was I going to raise our son alone? We were supposed to do it together. We were supposed to grow old together, too, and now I was just going to do that alone? It wasn’t fair.
I sniffed as tears stung my eyes, pushing some of the dirt and leaves from the ground before I sat down. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here sooner.” I glanced around the empty cemetery before I spoke again. “Boston won the cup, Trish. It’s still fucking crazy to me. I wish you could have seen it. I wish...” My throat grew tight. “There are a lot of things I wish right now.” I peeled the clear packaging back on the flowers, popped open the bottle of water, and poured it into the vase that was built into the headstone.
“I met someone.”
Trish knew about my sexuality. Back when we were young kids, we had both experimented. We had told one anothereverything, and it had never been a shock to Trish when I told her about my sexuality. We never judged each other because we loved one another.
“I think you’d like him.” I placed the roses in the vase and arranged them before I spoke again. “His name is Dean.” I dragged my fingers over where her name was engraved. “He gets along really well with Cole, too, and I think I might be falling for him, which terrifies the fuck out of me.”
I could imagine Trish shaking her head at me. Telling me to get my shit together and tell Dean how I felt.
“I know, but I’m scared. What if something happens to him? I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this again. I nearly lost myself when I lost you.”
“Promise me you’ll try to find love again someday, Beau.”
And I had. But that was only because Trish had asked me to. I had never thought it would happen. Ten years had gone by, and I had been happy with the life I had. I had an amazing son. I had hockey. And now I had Dean. This beautiful, smart, funny man who had stumbled into my life when I wasn’t looking. I thought of his smile, the sound of his voice, and the way he laughed.
“No, I know that I’m falling for him.”
I slid my phone from my pocket. “Isn’t he perfect?” I asked once I had a picture of him pulled up. “Dean’s young, but wise beyond his years. I think the two of you would get along. Jackson is engaged to his brother, Maverick. They’re in a band together. A huge band, actually. They’ve won Grammy’s and everything.” I pulled up my music app on my phone to find a Mulligan song. “Dean’s the guitar player.” I realized that I was gushing about him like some kid with a crush, and I guess I was.
“I didn’t just come here to talk about Dean. You should see Cole, Trish. He’s gotten so big.”
I went on to tell her about how proud I was of our son; about how dedicated to hockey he was and how he had come out as bisexual. Even to her parents.
“Your mom and dad took it great, too. I should have known they would.” I watched as a cardinal landed on her headstone. “Are you trying to tell me something? Are you telling me that you’re here and listening to me?” The bird stayed for a second, staring straight at me, before it flew off again.
I chuckled softly. “You think I should tell him?” I dragged a hand through my hair before I stood up to brush the dirt off my backside. “I was going to ask him to move in with Cole and me. Cole thinks it’s a great idea. Plus, Dean will be closer to his brother, which I’m sure he would like.” I nodded. “Yeah, I think I will.” I placed my hand on the headstone. “You’d be so proud of Cole. Sometimes I miss you so much. I wish you could see him. I wish you were here to help us...” My voice cracked, and I closed my eyes. “I promise that I won’t stay away for so long. And I know I should bring Cole with me. He’s so perfect. Just like you.”
I rushed off before the tears could fall.
BACK AT THE APARTMENT, I took a shower and changed my clothes. I texted back and forth with Cole, who was having fun at camp. He always enjoyed going there, meeting up with his old friends, and making new ones. I tidied up a little bit, even though the cleaning people would come by this week as well, and then just when I thought I might call my sister, Dean came home.
“Hey, Pink.” I hadn’t realized I had missed him until he walked through the door, his eyes shiny and a bright smile on his face.
Dean leaned up onto his toes, and I planted a kiss on his lips. “Hey, babe.” His cheeks burned red. “Miss me?”
“I sure did.” I wrapped an arm around his waist. “How did it go meeting your future nephew?”
Dean’s smile grew wider. “Beau, Andy is amazing and such a talented drummer. He was a little shy when he saw me, a little nervous, too, but that disappeared after a few minutes. He sings, too, and he’s already written a few songs. Maverick and Jackson are already smitten with the kid. It’s kind of hard not to be. They’re going to be the best parents. I really hope they can foster him. They’re going to need a bigger apartment—”
I stopped him by pressing my mouth to his. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hear about Andy or how happy everyone was. I just couldn’t help myself. Dean’s eyes grew wide with surprise, then he melted against me, his hands slipping up my chest so he could wrap his arms around my neck. He sighed happily, and I wondered if this would be the right time to ask him to move in with me. It was a big step, a serious one, and I wasn’t sure I could take the heartbreak if he said no.
“Oh.” Dean pulled back. “I have to leave on Friday for California.” My stomach dropped at his words. “I know. It totally sucks. I have a few interviews and more shitty photoshoots to do.”
It did totally suck. “For how long?” I touched his cheek with my palm, enjoying the feel of his skin beneath my palm.
“I’ll be there until right before the wedding. I know, I’m sorry. I had no idea, and I know we had planned to go together.” Dean dropped his gaze.
I tilted his head up. “Hey, it’s okay, Pink, I understand. You have obligations.” I hated it, though. I had been looking forward to spending all this time with him. Flying to his hometown together.
“But we have a couple more days together.” Dean’s eyes flashed with heat. “And I still want you to fuck me.”
All the blood in my body suddenly went south. “I think that can be arranged.”
